today's random musings

I pause and reflect.  I wonder how after all this time, it has come to this.  Maybe it was inevitable.  I give credit where credit is due.  I wonder how I am ever going to make that all important decision.  I agonize endlessly over it.  I realize time is running out.  Will it even matter years from now, I wonder.  What really is the most important thing here...as I agonize about where I am doing the right thing, I take a brief moment to be thankful.  I call home and talk to Ma and Pa.  And I am instantly calmed.  N and I are goofing off in the evening, and I ask him if he loves Mamma.  He gives me his usual naughty smile in answer, because he knows I want him to say yes, and he teases me by saying anything but that.  I thought he would continue playing, and suddenly he says he loves Jajja and Momma and G Maama and R Athe...just like that.  My heart constricts, and I miss all of them all over again.  To think that the child misses them as well is nothing short of wrenching.  I was told Life is like that when I brought something up.  Just like that, that has become an explanation.  For everything.  Well, whatever.  I shake my head gravely.  Illusions have a darned funny way of playing with the mind.  N teaches me more about love everyday.  P teaches me patience.  My friends teach me endurance.  We are all enduring different things in this life.  When I see some of them suffering, my own anxiety about this or that pales a little bit in comparison.  I reach out.  To touch their life a little bit, just like they touch mine.  Everyday.  In the end, I look at all these relationships.  In the end, that is what is going to endure us.  And redeem us.  I am certain of it.