Of ups and downs and everything in between...

Hoping for a break
The tiredness is calling

Hoping for some good news
The bad news was wrenching

Hoping for some laughter
The mind it is drowning

Hoping for a tear
The sadness is looming

Hoping for light through the darkness
Feeling low, low, low

Life is full of ups and downs.  We all know that.  Mine is no different.  Just going through a rough day, I guess.  I know tomorrow will be different.  The sun will rise.  The birds will sing.  And my sweet love will call my name with all the innocence and intent of the pure of heart.  And then I know that joy will course through my veins again. :-)

My music

Decided to bring back the old music to my life today.  Decided to train my voice again to remember how it used to perform.  When I think of the years invested in formal training, the hours of riyaaz, the sense of achievement, but more than anything else, the peace of listening to myself, the joy of singing for others and noting with satisfaction their appreciation....suddenly feel the need to get back to that.  I remember my father's words...he always said, and still does..."your voice is a gift from God.  Make the most of it"...:-) 

Anyway, switched on the shruti instrument, and as I listened to the strains of Sa-Pa-Sa....my respect for this music began to take hold once more.  And when I let my voice find the same notes, the connection was instant.

Dug up all my old lesson books.  Voice is rusty from ages of no practice.  Will take some work to open it up and get back in shape.  Am not beyond getting that done.  Not yet, anyway.

more dramatic prose...:-)

This day has wrested from her her last vestiges of patience and perseverance.  Frustration wells up inside and threatens to show up as a mood.  And she had willed herself not to let it come to this.  She had willed herself and it had worked.  Until today.  Realization dawned clear as the light of day.  Many times in life, you put way, way more into something than you get out of it.  And so it was with this.  And with that realization, there also dawned a sense of clarity that was so sharp, so poignant, so real that it almost made her smile, even with a wrenching of her heart.  Suddenly, she knew what to do.  Suddenly she knew how to make sense of it all.  Maybe this was how it was supposed to be, all, all along.

I tell myself...

...that this too shall pass.

It has to...

right?

fitness

Behaving like a gym rat these days.  Sudden inspiration from God knows where.  Of course, not a bad thing at all.  Yoga, cardio on the elliptical and treadmill, strength weights and cycling.  Went during lunch at work yesterday and got a little carried away.  When I got off the treadmill after the final bout, I realized that maybe I had overdone it a tad bit when my head was spinning for a half minute after I stopped.  Too much blood in the brain probably...:)  In any case, I was fine in a couple of minutes, and I was feeling great after that.  The rest of the day at work went remarkably well.  Except for a couple of difficult conversations with a couple of difficult people.  Hehe.  But then, nothing can get one out of those, really.  Comes with the territory.  Whateva!

pictures

Looking and sorting through all the wedding pictures.  They are so beautiful.  Almost tearing up...
Amazing pictures.  Amazing memories.  The photographers and their very expensive cameras have exceeded expectations, to say the least!

Thoughts

When something is on your mind so constantly, how do you de-focus from that and get your brain into normal functioning mode?  Perhaps you concentrate on a difficult task, so that you are forced to think of something else, and work at it.  Or perhaps, you start talking to someone to become engrossed in that, even if for a while.  Maybe you start reading something important, something interesting.  The mind is such a crazy thing.  So difficult to train it, to command it, to stop it, from thinking, thinking.....

Cake!

Am such a fan of cake.  No, seriously I am.  Was enjoying a piece of yummy, fluffy cake at work with good friend C, and we were talking about Food Network, which I'm a big fan of BTW, and baking.  She asked me if I liked to bake, and my simple answer was no.  The more appropriate answer is actually that I don't know how to.  I have never taken the trouble to try baking.  Given that I am more than a decent cook (based on general feedback now) and the fact that I don't at all mind cooking, its interesting to say the least that I don't bake often.  I know a few easy things to make, and I bake them from time to time, but its pretty sporadic at best.  Especially when I love baked stuff, desserts, and such.  And there is SUCH a variety to try.  And most of it is not even that hard, from what I can tell.  By watching FN (hehe).  I love to watch the baking shows.  So C and I were talking about watching baking shows and that how wonderful it would be if soon after watching them bake something, it would actually be delivered to our front door!  And hey, right there, isn't that a swell business idea?  How many impulsive buys would you have?  Tons, I would think. 

Anyway, I'm such a die-hard fan of cake.  Love it.  Pineapple is my all time favorite flavor. Maybe it is time to take up baking as a new hobby.  Why not, indeed?

Change

Have asked for that change at work.  Let's see what happens.  I'm the sort of person that's completely averse to change, of course of the less than positive variety.  I usually don't like it at all, and I usually take more than my fair share of time to deal with it.  In this case, however, much time has passed, and I feel I am ready for something new.  Again, no idea what things I have set in motion by initiating those conversations.  And part of me is nervous of the consequences.  But I am learning that in life, nothing is gained by sitting around and thinking about stuff.  Boy, am I learning.  Get out there and do it, if you've been wanting to.  That's what I have learnt.  Life is just too short.  Before you know it, it will have passed you by.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is, its time for a change.  And this time its been up to me to kick it off.

Wishing myself luck for things to come.  And they surely will.

So...

Have this super strong urge to write something, but I don't quite know what, and more importantly, how.

:-)

So, I guess you know what that means....more random ramblings, that will verge on boring, or worse, aggravating.

Apologies in advance.

And...

All I'm going to say is, Thank the Lord for small mercies.....

:-)

raftin down the riva

Went white water rafting with the team on the James river in Richmond yesterday.  Was good fun.  The first part verged on boring thanks to a few class II rapids on what was lowish water levels thanks to recent decrease in rains.  Most of the fun was had by cracking jokes within and across rafts - there were six of them, and splashing water with the paddles or water guns onto the other rafts.  After a point we were just floating down the river on what was actually a gorgeous day, beautiful sunshine and a serene environment...we were not even allowed to race.  People started jumping into the river and swimming around and goofing off.

Post lunch though was a different story.  We started checking out class III's and one wannabe class IV.  That was cool.  People fell, lost things, rafts got stuck on rocks, and all the usual rafting mis-adventures ensued.  Finally landed in downtown Richmond and got out of the river.

Have to say that the white water experience itself paled in comparison to Kern river, in Kern county, California.  Still, very decent time pass.  Not a bad way at all to spend a Wednesday. 

hmm

The skies are so blue...
The breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees
And brings the scent of something wonderful to me
And brings the memory of something wonderful to me

Am tired, and if I could sleep now, it would be so good
If I could dream now, it would be so good
But for now, I cannot, and yet,
In my tiredness, I smile
For the heart, it is happy
And the mind, it is at peace.

Of old friends...

To be able to pick up the phone and just call.  And just talk.  Or just vent.  Or just pour my heart out.  To not be judged.  To talk.  To listen.  To be able to put down the phone feeling tons better than before.

This is a luxury that has to be earned.  One has to be lucky to have this in life.

Thank you, my friend.  For today, and all those other conversations before.

Perspective

Every now and then, a little perspective is always a good thing.  The perspective I got today was a very good thing.  Spot on.  Given everything, given all the years, given the past, it drove the point damn straight home, I am still amazed by it.  Thank you N. 

Question is, what am I going to do with it?

What, indeed?

Words

So much to say....and yet...

Where to find the listener?

Where to find the moment?

And where, oh where...to find the words?

Home

Just over a year still makes the anticipation almost unbearable.  It is and always will be.  Home.  Was a long journey with N to get here.  Have to admit I was nervous of making the very long journey all by myself.  N exceeded all expectations and was a really good boy.  Made my life relatively as easy as a twenty two hour journey could possibly make.  Anyway, I'm here now and that's what matters.

Been a few days now, but still severly jetlagged and tired as hell.  Happy days ahead, so its all worth it.

Ah, home.  This is truly where my heart is.

This Idol thing again

Cannot believe I am hooked onto this nonsense again.  The batch seems to be better overall this time.  Down to 6 kids.  Almost sure which one will win.  Sorely, sorely missing Simon Cowell and his no-nonsense frankness.  The set of judges are useless, Jennifer Lopez included.  Steven Tyler is a hoot.  He looks bored most of the time.  Sure he will not bother next season.  Best joke was when the current season began, someone shrieked that Paula Abdul's drug problem had made her appearance really hideous.  Until someone else pointed out that that was not Paula, but Steven Tyler.  Hilarious.

Ah, the joy of engaging in such frivolousness..

Go Idol!

To Jude

Been a completely stressful day.  Cannot believe how tired I am.  Times like these, I wish I could just walk away by myself somewhere and sit down for a few minutes and do nothing.  Not think, not feel, nothing.  Just let my body and mind rest.  But for now, that feels like a luxury I cannot hope for.  For now, I have to plough on.

In the midst of it all, her gentleness feels like a soothing balm on my raw wounds.  Jude.  My yoga teacher.  She's awesome.  Her smile, her voice, instantly begin to calm me down from the second I step into the class.  I wonder at her.  At her life.  She's given up a lot to pursue yoga.  How does one do something like that.  How do you give up the rest of your life to choose this path?  I am so far from doing something like that, but I really have to wonder.  Looking at her, her sense of peace, her grace, her calmness, and I think maybe there is something to stopping, taking a really really deep breath - the Ujjayi kind, and assessing what you really want from this life.  What is important amidst the myriad priorities on your plate.  Is not peace of mind at the top?  Should it not be?  Then, should you not pursue that which will get you there...I wonder.  Especially on days like today, when exhaustion is threatening to snatch my sanity away.

Hoping for a good night's sleep.  Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Dreams

Somewhere in her dreams there is a rainbow.  And a promise of a love song.  Sung just for her.  And only for her.  Somewhere in her dreams there is that thing that makes her heart beat faster, and brings a smile to her lips.

And then she wakes up with a start.  Was that a dream?  Or another memory?  She decides it does not matter.  All that matters is that it was the lovliest feeling ever.  And for now, that will suffice.

Paying your dues

Nothing comes free in this life.  That's the bottom line.  The price of things varies, and the form of payment varies, but nothing comes free.  You have to pay your dues.  Before you expect any form of return.  Or redemption.  At work, at home, with family, friends.  In time, every facet of life demands its payment.

How often do we look around us, at other people's lives, their shenanigans on Facebook and think - hey, they have a great life.  Or at least it certainly looks that way.  How often do we think we have something that other people see on the outside and wish they had in their life.  Maybe even feel envious.  The truth though, is that you have paid your dues for what you have achieved, or have accomplished, or have created.  The pain arises when the return is still out of sight.  That is the case with almost everyone, I believe.  Certainly with my own life.  Nothing has come without having paid my dues.  Nothing has come free.  And in some cases, I am still paying.  And just hoping that redemption will come.

This is the reality of being an adult.  

Visit to the Dentist

Decidedly unpleasant experience.  Even though what I had to get done was nothing major.  I just don't like the poking and prodding.  Or the sensitivity and pain.  Even with the Novocaine.  And the anesthetic. :-).  Ok, so I am kinda pain intolerant.  Well, quite a bit.  I got a talking to, that if I had gone more often, it would have been easier.  And I was advised to go more often from now on, at least twice a year.  That seems like too much, but we'll see.  Also, looks like some teeth extraction is in my future.  Wisdom teeth at that.  Crazy.  Wonder how long I can put that off.  Four teeth have to go, and I have to be put to sleep for it.  And be driven home, and not be able to function properly for an evening.  And be in pain for a few days (knowing me, that will be quite unbearable).

Ugh.  Who has the time for all that now?

Anyway, shall decide all that later.  For now, there's happier things to look forward to.  :)

The Reader

Its happened to me more than once, that I now believe its the way to come across absolute gems without looking for one.  Random channel surfing in the relatively very little time we have to channel surf or even watch television these days, and one of those random arty-farty channels has this movie playing.

The Reader - an outstanding film.  Intense and captivating.  Set in post World War 2 Germany.  Very powerful story line.  Kate Winslet is simply outstanding in it.  I believe she won an Oscar for it.  Not surprising. 

Wonder why this movie didn't get the publicity that I think it deserves?  Or did I miss it, like so many other things?

Brilliant stuff.

Deja Vu

He was sleeping next to me, and I languished in the snugly warmth of our bodies.  He turned to face me, still fast asleep.  Then he tilted his head back, as if to check me out, and yet his eyes were closed.  And then he gave a little shake of his head, and wrinkled his nose just a wee bit, as if to say "Hmf, she'll do". And then he put his head right back on my shoulder, snuggled closer and continued to sleep.  That's when I had a most awesome deja vu moment.  He had done this two and a half years ago, on the day that he was born.  The exact same thing.  The tilt and shake of the head, the wrinkling of the nose, and the expression.  Exactly the same.  I remembered experiencing the most awesome feeling of love back then.  And I felt the very same thing again today. 

Couldn't ask for a better start to the day.

Happy Ugadi

Happy Ugadi to all.  May the new year bring you accomplishments, wisdom, and more meaningful moments with loved ones.  Above all, may it bring you more peace.

It's a HUGE day :-)))

N is a big boy now.  Weeks of collective effort (reading a couple of some really good books not withstanding) seem to be paying off.  Part of me is heart-broken that he's not my little baby any more.  But a bigger part of me is absolutely thrilled.  He's awesome. Makes me so proud.

Of course I have to make sure that the characters on the garment are either Thomas the Train or Mickey Mouse. Hehe.

Oh, yes, the book I recommend is called "Potty training your little boy".

:-)))

ToastMasters

For some strange reason, I always thought this was a silly hobby.  What's the big deal about a group of people making speeches, I used to think.  I used to do a ton of public speaking when I was in school.  That was many many years ago, dammit.  And I absolutely loved it.  And then for another strange reason, I stopped doing it in college.  Literally clammed up.  Crazy.  Realized recently that I need to hone my speaking skills, especially in front of large audiences.  Need to learn to project in the right way, exude confidence, blah blah.  And so along came Toastmasters.  Bunch of folks on the team formed the club at work and I avoided it for a year.  Again, for some unknown strange reason.  Finally joined a couple of months ago.  And I must say that I LOVE it!  Its really a whole lot of fun.  Its a very safe environment to try stuff, practise, get some good feedback and generally have fun.  You get what you put into it, so when you prepare an actual speech and deliver it and get critiqued on it, you really get something back from it.  Besides, its a fun group of folks.

Toastmasters is a really really huge organization with chapters all over the world.  Was really amazed to learn how widespread and active it is.

Doing the right thing

It is times like this that validate you being the bigger person.  Not that one should need the validation.  But c'mon, we're all only human.  And constant selflessness is a thing for saints.  And so, when it really is about the survival of the fittest, doing the "right" thing is not always foremost on the agenda.  Doing it for the sake of doing it, that is.  Until you do it.  The right thing, that is.  And suddenly the feel good factor is almost indescribable.

N's favourite reads

As of April 2011, these are N's absolutely favourite reads...

- Fun at the Farm Elmo and friends
- My Oh My Oh Dinosaur
- Special Boat
- Jungle Book
- Grover's cute little baby animals
- The Old Alligator
- Hop on Pop
- Giggle, Giggle, Quack
- I Spot
- Cat in the Hat

He's a book lover.  Can go on and on for hours.  Especially at bed time.  Have to finally drag him away to sleep.

Of checklists and endless planning

My mind is in over-drive.  Absolutely abuzz - with to-do lists, doctor appointments, tons of things at work, making and ticking off from the travel list, and yes, countdown of days....couple of weeks now before the big trip.

Days and nights seem to overlap, blend into one, as I plan furiously.  I'll admit. I'm a planner and a worry wart.  But being prepared is more than half the battle, I believe. 

I am managing to keep all my yoga appointments and classes, though.  Feels awesome.  So far, the year is on track.  Things at work are getting interesting.  JM leaving was a big blow.  Lets see what happens by and by. 

Waiting to see G and R together :)

Victory!

It certainly was euphoric.  Adrenaline pumping.  Sweet victory.  Joy!  We cheered, and so did N!!  He jumped and danced and clapped in glee.  Happy because happiness surrounded him. He's such a people person :)

Sachin's dream, they said.  How true.  Also the dream of one billion people.  Took me back to 1996 and the quarter finals between India and Pakistan.  Only reason I wasnt in the stadium with everyone else was because I had my ISC Physics exam the next day and had to "study".  Of course I spent the entire time watching the match on TV.  What joy then! 

This time though must have been more joyful and crazier (I definitely heard that it was).  Wish I had been there. 

MSD, the Man - too good!

Siddarth

I met him a couple of months ago.  I was looking for a very long time to do something in this space that is so close to my heart.  For many reasons, I feel very strongly about visually impaired people, and especially children, and how they cope and learn and function in this world.  In Bangalore, I supported and volunteered with Samarthanam for about two years.  I read, transcribed, and helped children and students with their school/college course work and preparing for exams. 

Samarthanam is a great organization with ambitious goals, and the drive and ability to meet those goals.  It was founded by three blind friends who wanted to create a better facility for children who do not have the ability to see, something the rest of us take for granted.  The main founder, Mahantesh is an incredibly guy.  I have met him several times, and blindness is a total non-issue for him.  He does not stop at anything.  He travels the world to raise funds and support for Samarthanam.  He has climbed Mt. Everest. 

When I left Bangalore and came to the US, I looked around for something similar and found the Braille Institute in Los Angeles .  I happily volunteered there for a year, although that was not with children, but with adults.  When I moved to Virginia, for a few years, I got thoroughly busy with work, life and family.  Then, when life began to settle down ever so slightly, and routine dictated predictable schedules, I started looking for options in the area.  Much to my surprise I had to search a lot, and there were none that I could find in the vicinity.  I could not travel as far as Maryland or DC, given time constraints. 

And then I found Mcnair elementary school and Kathy Miller, the teacher for visually impaired students.  She's awesome.  And she introduced me to Siddarth.  He's five years old, and he cannot see.  Never has been able to.  And I have been working with Kathy and Siddarth for the last ten weeks.  In addition to blindness, Siddarth has some other neurological issue that affects how his brain has and is developing.  Although he is five years old, he lacks the cognitive and developmental skills appropriate to a child of his age.  He cannot read or write, yet.  His speech is impaired.  He has attention issues.  And discipline issues.  The biggest reason for that is that at home, his parents have allowed him to do whatever he wants all his life.  They adjust their lives around him.  They adjust their lifestyle around him, instead of it being the other way...instead of assimilating him into their regular lives and teaching him how to cope there. 

Kathy has done a wonderful job with him for about 8 months now.  He is learning.  Very slowly, it seems like, but he is learning.  And he knows who I am and has learnt to trust me.  When I work with him, it is challenging, because he will not give his sustained attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time.  He does not have the natural curiosity of children to explore, to experiment, to learn.  He is easily bored and then that quickly leads to disruptive behavior.  It obviously takes an incredible amount of patience.  Kathy has that.  She's been doing this for thirty something years.  I wonder at the dedication.

When I see Siddarth, and how incapable he is of functioning without constant adult supervision, I experience despairing moments when I wonder how he will be able to function in this world.  Then I will myself to remember how resilient children are.  And I look at the facilities he has access to here.  And the dedication of the teachers.  And I will myself to have faith.

I will continue going to Mcnair.  Kathy and the classroom teacher are more than happy to have me help out.  I hope I can make some small difference.

Kathy asked me when I met her why I was interested in doing this.  Especially given I have so much else going on in my life.  I asked myself that also.  In the end, I think it is for several reasons.  In part, it is because I am thankful for my own family's health and wellness.  But it is also because, it is just not enough to count our blessings in this life.  What do you give for what you have?  I ask myself that every day.

My boy

He is the child who looks out for his friends.  As his teacher, she has seen him do that many times.  In fact, he is the only child in the class who does that.  When any of the kids in the class is crying, he will run upto them and give them a hug, or take a tissue for them to wipe their tears.  When a parent is dropping off their child, and the child begins to cry, he will stand by and wait tentatively.  When the parent leaves, he will give the child a big hug.  And a tissue to wipe their tears.  He is the only child that does that.

I have not seen this happen, because I'm not there when it does.  But I am so, so grateful to Agata for telling me this.

And when she did, I could not stop my own tears...if this is not pure innocence, then what is?  If this is not sensitivity, and humanity, and empathy in its most raw, pure and selfless form, then what is?

Teary-eyed as I am when I write this, my heart is swelling with joy and pride and something else that I cannot quite describe.

Values

What are the values you live by?  The ones you instinctively trust?  The ones you want to define your actions with?  These will create the purpose you need to live every day, to get that one foot in front of the other when the chips are down.  These will motivate you when you awaken each morning.  And these will give you a sense of peace, that the day was lived the way you wanted, when you go to bed each night.

For if you dont define to yourself what your values are, you have nothing.  You have no purpose, you have no spirit, you have nothing.

Taking a few moments to remind yourself of your values every now and then is the best service you can do yourself.

What are your values?  When your life has come to pass, will you be able to say you knew all along what they were, and that your life was lived by them?

What are your values?  Clarify them before its too late, before the years have rolled by, and the regrets have rolled in.

What are your values?  And how will you pass them along to what matters the most - your children?

Take a moment to think about it.

Spring

Spring is in the air.  Hard to believe from the still obstinately low temperatures, but it sure is in the air.  And on the trees.  Yes, the blossoms are surfacing, and as usual, it is amazing.  For the sixth year in a row, we drove into the Capital to see the cherry blossoms, and they did not disappoint.  The peak bloom is still a few days away, so shall see if we can do it one evening during the week.  Maybe take off from work early, pick up N and drive into DC.

Any such outing with N is still fairly stressful as he's not old enough yet to fully understand what we intent to do.  And as usual, everything has to be well planned, and in advance.  Wonder when I can go back to the days where I did not have to plan every single thing, think several hours, if not days ahead at a time.  Maybe never again. 

In any case, it was not too bad overall.  It was still cold, but we were all bundled up well, and we did manage to enjoy the sunshine, the flowers and the gorgeous views of the Tidal Basin. 

Reminded me again what a beautiful city DC is.

Countdown

Four more weeks!  Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

JM

Not taking the news that he's leaving at all well.  Sucks.  Super sucks, actually.  But this, is exactly how life is.  Unexpected and full of change.  Especially the changes that you don't want.  Ever want.  Sigh.

JM - the best thing that ever happened to me in COF.  Best thing for my career, my team, my role.  Unbelievable guy.  He's 2 years older than I am, and he's VP of Stats and DAs for all of Card.  And I know how long it takes for an average person to get to VP in Card.  The other VP's are at least ten years older than he is, if not more.  Super achiever.  But that's not why I think he's unbelievable.  He's the best people manager, leader, visionary, transformer that I have ever come across.  He oozes authenticity, and confidence.  He's the best boss one could have (well for me, boss's boss's boss).  The past three years on the team have been incredible.  At times, its been tolerable because of him.  And not just for me. 

And now he's onto his next super-star opportunity.  After twelve years at COF.  That's a third of his life.  I wish him only the very very best.  Maybe someday I will get to work for him again.  When I went to his office to say goodbye, he alluded to that.  Its a small world, he said.  Easy enough to bump into each other sometime, somewhere.  I hope that happens.  I know I will miss him.

JM, thanks (no, really) for everything.

Did it!

Really thought my student days were way way in the past.  Indeed, its been 5 years since I gave my last major exam.  Until last week.  For four days I sat through an intensive class, from 8 AM to 6 PM, and then back home.  Played with N for a bit, followed by his dinner, bath and bed time.  Then homework and practice tests for about an hour and half.  Then crashed into bed to get as much rest as possible before repeating it all over again the next day.  Fair to say I was fairly strung out towards the end.  However, I was as prepared as I could be on the morning of the 5th day, and, yes, I passed!  Got the certification, very happy to say!!

Been meaning to do this for a while, and it had taken a backseat due to more pressing priorities.  This time, though - I set the goal.  Decided to just go for it.  Got the time off from work, got COF to pay the pretty hefty fee, and found the will power to commit to doing it. 

But the most important and amazing thing that made it even possible was P and N's co-operation, support and collaboration.  I am one lucky, lucky gal.  For sure.

Antidote

What shall be the antidote to anxiety, and angst?

Shall it be your smile, and your laughter?

What shall be the antidote to fear, and doubt?

Shall it be your voice, and your words?

What shall be the antidote to restlessness, and stress?

Shall it be your happiness, and your amazing ability to live in the moment?

Yes, I rather think it shall.

Control our lives?

Is not each of us in control of our lives?  It is true.  We are.  So many times, we feel like we have no control over how things shape up.  So many times, we feel like we are losing control, that things spiral out of control.  It is easy to fall into that trap, though.  Yes, there are times when things don't happen the way we want or plan.  There are times when we don't have a say in how something turns out.  However, it is a mistake to think that in aggregate, we have little control over our life and the course it takes.  Come on, really now?  Take a look around you.  There are thousands - no - millions, of people who actually do not have any control over their life.  They don't have a say, they don't have a choice.  They don't have freedom, or the luxury to question, to even think that it is possible that their life could be or should be any different.  Makes me think - what moment of randomness deigned me to be who I am, where I am...such that I am able to live my life.

So anyway, you and I? We are in control.  We have control.  We just like to think - way more often than we should- that we don't have control.  That we are helpless victims of destiny.  That there is nothing to do but come to terms with the fact that we don't control our life.

Its crazy, really.  So easy to fall into that trap.  And so difficult to admit to ourselves, that we are really in charge of what happens in our life.  So difficult to accept, and so difficult to take responsibility for how things have come to be.  For how we have made them happen to be.

How much to reveal?

How much do you reveal about your self?  Obviously, the way you relate to people is totally dependent on the situation and circumstance.  You deal with people at work.  Then of course there is immediate family, extended family, friends, acquaintences.  And finally random strangers you come across. 

How much of yourself do you reveal to each of them?  One important category of people are your colleagues.  Team mates, direct reports, managers, and senior executives.  There are meetings and forums of all sorts and types.  Varies settings.  Numerous opportunities to speak up and speak out.  Question is - how much do you reveal about yourself in these settings?

I got some feedback at work that I dont do this.  And that sometimes it is necessary.  I try to keep things at work about work. I am fairly gaurded about what I say about my personal life.  When I listened to the feedback, I understood the point of it, though.  After a while it becomes important to relate to people on a personal level.  Even at work.  Even in a professional setting.  The key is to do it safely and maturely.  That's when the connection with people grows stronger.  So, I got the feedback and am taking it to see if I can change anything.

However, that got me thinking to how I operate in general.  Even outside work, I am fairly guarded about what I reveal about myself.  I began to question that.  Why do I do that?  I see people around me who have absoultely no qualms about talking about any aspects about their lives to a wide and diverse audience.  Just log into Facebook and there is more than ample evidence of this.  Truth is, I'm a little repelled by that.  How can you talk about intimate things about your life to random people?  People upload information and photos like nobody's business.  About their lives, their vacations, their kids!!

I dont understand it.  However, that is entirely their business.  They seem to be adults who should know how it works.  The point for me though, is that the disinclination I have to reveal things also permeates others facets of my life, I think.  In general, some people have told me on and off that I just keep my cards so close to my chest.  It is true.  I dont share what I dont feel like sharing.  What I feel is not really anybody's business but my own.  Even with family, even with friends, I am reluctant to let everything be known.  Why, though.  Am I afraid of getting too close?  What's wrong with that?  Or is it just the cynical me who has tried to do this and then realized that the way the world works is that somehow you end up paying some sort of price for that...and that is has happened enough number of times for you to decide to clam up once and for all....

Anyway, seems like I am rambling on.  I have noted this point seriously enough though.  I need to work on what and how much I can change about this.  In a way that still makes me feel safe.  Its important to not be too closed up.  Its important to let people (as much as it makes sense) know things about you from time to time.  I get that.

Just do It

If you want to do something - just do it.  That's it.  Just go ahead and do it.  The time for excuses is over.  The need for over-analyses is done with.  The same old fears and doubts must be thwarted.  The habit of procrastination must be crushed.  Once and for all.

I have applied this to three things starting beginning of this year.  And all three have worked out great.  I need to continue to focus, continue to invest to see that it comes through.  Beginning is only half the battle.  But I have begun.  And that's the important part.

So, if you've been wanting to do something, and you wanted it really bad - just push yourself and go do it.  You might just be surprised by how well it goes.

Of mentors and whizzing time

Its just amazing when I stop to think about it - how time just flies by.  Whizzes by.  I have a mentor at work.  He's a very senior guy and someone I respected from the first day that I met him.  The way he applies himself at work, manages a team, creates value, and develops relationships with people on the team is just inspiring.  I want to learn from him.  And also just use him as a sounding board for ideas and thoughts on the progress I want to make in my career.  So, I asked him to be a mentor.  He readily agreed.  He is currently mentoring some ten or so folks across various teams.  Obviously a sought after person.  I am glad that he's making the time to talk to me.  Every three weeks.  After each conversation, I leave feeling energized, and more engaged in the investment that is my career.  Each time I meet him, I realize another three weeks has just flown by.  Again.  Just incredible. 

Thanks GP for your time.

More on relationships...

Yes, I'm probably seriously harping on this, but its hitting me over and over again these days.  Relationships.  How these turn out, as time goes by.  There are good ones, and great ones, and strained ones, formal ones, energizing ones, superfluous ones...and then there are the ones that define who you are.  The ones that are at the core of your existence, really. 

Then there are ones that sustain you.  Ones you cannot do without.

And also, there are ones that no matter what you invest in, or think you should invest in - that always leave you holding the short end of the stick.  So, what you have to do there, is to let it go, and move on.  Some things are not worth it, and no matter how you try, there is no justification for how things turn out.  The world does not operate by your sense of what is right and what is wrong.  Tough pill to swallow, but there you have it.

Bottom line - cherish the relationships that bring you positivity - perhaps as energy, peace, love, friendship, joy...

And forget about the ones that don't.  Move on.  They're not worth it.

What matters...

Things in your life will come and go.  How you deal with these is not relevant in the grander scheme of things.  What ultimately matters, are the relationships closest to you.  In the end, the very end, those are what you will remember, and those are what will be your legacy...

What an amazing week its been

A really amazing week is moving along and coming to a close.  Well, at least the weekday part of it anyway.  What a week its been.  So much got done.  And so much more to be done.  I think I lived on sheer adrenaline the whole time. 

Today I am going to the school, to meet the student and the teacher.  Lets see what happens.  I have been looking forward to this day for a long while.  And then there is yoga after that.  Perfect way to unwind after the week, and yet be energized at the same time. 

The weather is simply perfect these days.  Making sure we spend all the time outdoors that we can.  N is just loving it.  He can spend infinite amounts of time at the playground.  Ah, childhood....and yet, I love spending all that amount of time there with him...

Life really is too short.  I want to remember all my blessings, and I have many.  I will do what I have to do, and just try to live the moment to the fullest...

Monday morning (Sunday evening) blues?

It's going to be a long week.  A really long week.  It's that feeling you wake up with on Monday morning.  In fact, it starts on Sunday evening.  After N went to bed last night, I started organizing how my Monday would go in my mind, and of course my calendar.  My brain is buzzing with the list of things to be done.  Much is on the list.  For work as well as outside.  A day of travel also included.  And of course there is the exam.  It's time to start preparing in earnest for it.

It's going to be a long week.  Best to go into it head-long, and knowing it.

Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Skiing down the Mountain

Proved to myself (again) that I am not beyond trying something completely new...and seemingly risky.  I am proud of myself, seriously.  How often it is easy to take the easy way out, look for that path of least resistance.  I am just glad that I have the willpower to fight that inertia, and step out of that comfort zone.  And learn something new.  Just like that.

Yep - went skiing and hit the slopes on Friday.  With COF jantha.  Most of them hit the advanced slopes, coz that's what they are - advanced skiers and snow-boarders.  Me, a total novice.  A few years ago, I tried my hand at snow-boarding and had a rather hard time staying off my back-side.  It was tough, and I did not learn properly.  I should have.  I let the pain dominate over resolve.  Anyway, that was then.

This time, I decided to brave it out and learn to ski.  So, I signed up for a lesson.  Wanted to learn the basics.  So, there I was, all geared up (unbelievably heavy those boots are, damn it!) and ski-d up, and ready to go.  Of course, even with the instructor's guidance I fell.  Many, many times.  This stuff is not easy.  And it is painful.  And if you are not careful how you fall, you can hurt yourself really bad.  That's solid packed ice out there. 

What I am proud of though, is that I didn't give up.  I almost did, mind you.  But I kept at it.  A little over an hour of really trying, and I finally started to get the hang of it.  I finally started to master the baby slopes.  I made a few complete runs down without falling.  The intermediate slopes were a little more challenging.  For a true beginner such as myself, its scary not having control when you start zipping down.  The only way to slow down or stop is to turn your skis and make a turn.  And that is really the key thing to master.  And it is super difficult until you get it.  Like cycling.  The problem is, each time you fall, it really hurts, and then you have to take off a ski to be able to stand up.  Then you have to put it back on.  And that's challenging because you are on a slippery slope.  And finally when that's done, you have to start again.  You end up using muscles you never knew existed to try to keep your balance.

Several hours later, I got back on the bus aching all over.  I knew the next 2 days were going to be super painful.  However, it felt great that I had made the attempt to learn something.  And that I actually did.  Now I just need to go back again and practise.

To-Do Item # X - learn to ski - Check.

Taking another chance....

Do you quit while you are ahead?  Or do you take that chance once more...just once more, you tell yourself.  But, you have the benefit of past performance.  You have the wealth of historical data.  Should you use that to project into the future?  Should you use that to extrapolate the future end-state?  You already know the down-side....so, is taking the chance worth the upside?

How do you make these really difficult decisions?  It is a choice, ultimately is it not?  And the choice is all yours.  Should you be like that software program on standardized tests that tailors future questions based on correctness of answers to current questions?  Should you even bother to be that analytical in the first place?  Are these life choices meant to be handled in a completely different way?  With the heart and not the mind?

Do you quit while you are still ahead....or do you take that one last chance....because it makes sense in your heart.....

Inception

Finally watched it on Netflix yesterday.  Clearly, I am beyond late to this party.  But that is how it is these days.  In any case, I loved it.  Clearly superior script writing and plot.  Superb acting by Caprio and gang.  Chris Nolan delivers once again, just like he did with Memento and Dark Knight, etc.

Somebody please just answer one question - its obvious (or is it?) that in the end (and here I un-ashamedly throw in a SPOILER ALERT), Cobb is dreaming about finally landing in LA and meeting his kids.  But, the question is, is he dreaming it in the 4th level where he is in "limbo" with Saito?  I think so. 

Disagree?  Tell me why....

Relationships

As you go through life, it is amazing how some key relationships work out.  In your younger days you have very set notions, you assume that these relationships will be a certain way for always.  And then you get pleasant shocks as you go through, grow through life.  And sometime rude shocks.  Very rude shocks.  But this is the reality of relationships.  And some of them, the ones you depended on in those younger, more naive days - the ones that you thought would be the ones to sustain you as you went along - those are the ones that end up being the most disappointing.  Sometimes gut-wrenchingly so.  Suddenly one day you wake up and realize that you have changed, they have changed, almost everything about the relationship itself has changed.  It is symbiotic no more.  It is energizing no more.  And it is nurturing no more.  And yet you have to invest at least the bare minimum in it.  Because that is how the world works.

For me, I have had some life altering realizations in these last couple of years.  As far as relationships are concerned, that is.  I have had eye-opening moments when I have realized which should be the key relationships in my life, and which ones end up being more investment than any kind of positive return.  My world-view has changed.  Mostly for the better.  But sometimes, my heart has been broken.  Not because I am not strong enough to handle it, or that it is the end of anything.  Not at all.  On the contrary, I have gained almost as much as I have lost.  My pillars are still in place.  I am heart-broken because these are the relationships I thought would be the most important ones that I would have in this phase of my life.  Well, anyway, life does not work that way.  Any naivete you had about these things when you were younger and less worldly-wise is appropriately dismissed by life's reality.

In any case, I am just thankful for all the positive relationships in my life.  I am fortunate for what I do have and that is what I will invest in.

Soulmate

Who is your soulmate? 

Is it the one who knows you like you know yourself....

Is it the one you think of in the midst of every random thought....

Is it the one who understands you when you need to be understood...

Is it the one who sings a love song in your dreams....

Is it the one you turn to when your mind is troubled....

Is it the one you want to share your joy with...

Is it the one who gives you forgiveness when you need it...

Is it the one who comforts you when you hurt...

Is it someone fate destined you to meet...

Is it someone who is more than a memory...

Who is your soulmate?

Mistakes

It is BETTER

to make a mistake and then realize the folly of your way and make amends...

THAN

to make a mistake and know it and yet be so full of ego that you carry on without a care for the havoc you created...

THAN

to make a mistake and not even realize it...

THAN

to not ever make a mistake at all...

...Because....

you are only human...and that is the way you grow and learn...

that....always...you have miles and miles to go...

Where has the humour gone....

I used to like writing humorous stuff.  I liked to put a funny twist on things I wrote.  I look through all the recent posts, and almost none of them fits into that category....why, I wonder?  Have I made some kind of sub-conscious choice?  Seriousness seems to be the over-riding theme.  Why, though...  Then again, is it a reflection on the way I have grown and the way I function in the demanding framework that is my life these days....what would it take - to be light-hearted and funny, to laugh at myself...

Should life be taken that seriously, anyways?  Hmmm.....

Long but good days....

Packing in solidly productive days these days.  And the best part is its completely balanced.   Definitely feels good, and rewarding.  My to-do lists are getting checked off.  I wake up in the morning with a sense of intent, sense of purpose.  And at the end of a really long day, I reflect that much has gotten accomplished.  Much to my satisfaction.  Do not under-estimate the effort though.  It takes a lot of careful planning, and especially careful planning to make sure that the balance remains - between work, and home and N and friends and family and yes - me.  Yes, planning and teamwork.  And yoga.  And the sound of sweet, innocent, pure and unadultrated laughter for inspiration.  Only way to make it work....
Goals for 2011?  Yes, I do have some of them mapped out.  Trying to phase them out.  Seems to be working so far.  Let's see what happens by and by.

There really is no better feeling than being productive, in good ways.  Makes the exhaustion completely worth it.

People and Change

The one thing I have realized is an absolute truth is that you cannot change people.  Adults, that is.  You somehow think that if you stress enough, or that because the way you feel is justified, somehow you are entitled to them having to change for you.  Forget about even you sometimes.  You just think and hope that somehow, someday those people will change.  For your peace of mind.  Or for the greater good.

Fact is though, that that is never going to happen.  I'm convinced that "never say never" is not even an option here.  Not by a long shot.  People will continue to be what they are and who they are.  They will continue being how they are to you, and with you.  Trying to change that, or thinking that somehow you can, is a complete waste of time and energy - both of which are rather precious resources better spent on yourself instead.  People in general are too egoistic or self-centred (apologize for the cynical stand here) to change for anyone. 

Not liking that or them because of that, is totally and completely only your problem.

Time is flying...

Can you believe its the last day of January?  A whole month in 2011 has already passed.  Where has the time gone? Comes Monday...and before you know it Friday is here, and the weekend is even more jam-packed, and then its Monday all over again.

I look outside the window and see all the snow from last week's storm.  Another month and we should start stepping out of this winter.  Can't wait.

N is delighting us with his chatter these days.  I spilt a couple of drops of his cereal this morning during breakfast and he looks at me and says "Chair-pool Mamma, chair-pool" ("Careful, Mamma, careful" - these days I am constantly telling him to be careful when he's monkeying around)!

:-D

How will you be great today?

How will you be inspired today?

How will you be productive today?

What will you do to know the time was well spent...?

The will to be deliberate, to put the good health you have to good use.  The fortune of a discerning thought process, the ability to make something worthwhile of your time and energy....you are way ahead of a sweeping percentage of the population because of just who you are.....use it...for a purpose, whatever that may be.

Think about it when you wake up in the morning....how will you be great today?

Negativity, arghh

Nothing puts me off as much as negativity and pessimism from interactions with people.  Such people drain me of energy so quickly that I wish with all my heart that I had not even interacted with them in the first place.  The length of the interaction is immaterial.  A couple of minutes is all it takes sometimes for me to get super pissed off.  I have to will myself to let the negativity in through one ear and right out through the other.  Why do people do this to others? Granted different people have different things going on in their lives, and granted that different people have different ways of dealing with their issues.  But how can they assume that being negative with others, about others, and to others will help them in any possible way???? Nothing comes out of being negative people!! 

And just to clarify - there is a difference between having a bad day or a bad week, and letting off steam or looking for solutions and help AND complaining and whining all the time.  OK, so life is not fair (if the problem is really "life" and not all the choices you made in the first place).  But really, is being negative all the time going to get you anything?

Of course, at the other extreme are people who are striving every second to be optimistic.  Its pathetic to see the forced cheer, false positivism, and fake enthusiasm spewing forth.  Ask them how they have been, and the answer is a loud, over-amplified "FANTASTIC".  Which is also fine once in a while, but not every single time, every single day.  These people are always "on top of things", "having a great day", or "kicking butt" at whatever they are doing.  Come on, seriously??  Just because they are constantly announcing how great they are, does not at ALL mean that they are.

I for one, do not like spending too much time with either category.  All of us have to be more balanced.  Be more positive in your thoughts and actions.  But throw in a generous doses of reality into life's issues.  And for heaven's sake, do not be negative all the time - with yourself or with others.  Because pretty soon, they will not want you to bring them down every time you talk to them.  And they will just find reasons to stay out of your way.

Happy Republic Day

Happy Republic Day to all.  Memories: celebrating in school. We always had a holiday, but I was a girl guide, and in the NCC after that and so we always attended early in the morning, all smart and alert in our ironed uniforms.  we did the drill, and some chief guest would hoist the flag, we would sing the anthem, and someone distributed sweets and we ate them and went back home to joyously spend the rest of the holiday.

after those school years, the colony always had a flag hoisting ceremony in one of the empty plots. i would be surprised, but most of the colony jantha would actually show up for this and the Independence Day ceremony.  Some local politician would show up, give a speech.  Some appointed resident would sing some songs (I think one year it was me and someone else, if I recall, and we sang some desh-bhakthi song, it turned out pretty well). Then the national anthem of course, after flag hoisting.  Sweets distributed and we went back home.  Last year, we were back home.  Parents were attending the flag hoisting, and they ended up taking N with them.  Moi decided to catch up on some much needed sleep.  So off N went with his grandparents for the ceremony.  Apparently he was a very good boy there.  I'll bet he had a total blast (as he did with everything on that trip).

And then, the residents association plans a get-together in the evening with programs from the colony kids...the usual songs, dances, skits, etc...some adults also take part. Followed by dinner.  Good way for the neighbours to meet up and socialize.  Good opportunity for the kids to show case their talents.  One year, G and I did a few pop numbers.  I belted away the songs and G accompanied on the guitar.  Good stuff.

Anyway, I miss all this these days. 

To my Love

You are tall, fair and handsome.  Your eyes are the biggest ones I've ever seen.  Your smile lights up the universe.  You are smart and funny and intelligent and goofy.  Your appetite for fun is limitless.  You are sensitive and sometimes shy.  You are innocent.  You love people and attach yourself to their hearts.  Your mind is exploring the world, and it fascinates me to see it work.  You are figuring things out fast.  You are learning two languages at once.  You are polite with strangers.  You are patient with your friends.  When you give me a hug or a kiss, I feel such incredible joy that I cannot believe it.  You are tall, fair and handsome.  When I put my face against yours, and feel your soft skin against mine, I feel peace.  Sometimes, you drive me up the wall, but you make me forget that in a second.  Your eyes are so huge and magnetic, I wonder how I will keep the girls away from you in a few years! 

You are tall, fair and handsome.  And you are mine......

....at least, until you walk out that door one day, to your own world, to your own life, to your own new beginnings.  You will break my heart when you do that, but you will leave a part of you with me always.

And that will be with me forever.

Blogs galore

I like blogs. I like reading blogs. I obviously like writing in my own blog, though it doesn't end up being as frequent as I'd like.   I still like reading other people's blogs.  Some of them I read regularly.  Others I come across through blogs I read or random surfing when time allows me. It amazes me how many different kinds there are. And the way in which different people write.  Never in the history of humankind has such a variety of expressions been unleashed!  A few minutes and an inclination is all it takes for thoughts to become online print, for creative juices to flow, for opinions to be stated and over-stated, for diatribes to be put forth, for random ramblings to be penned down, for vitreol to be vented....

Some blogs are a pure pleasure to read. Some humorous, some poignant, some touching, some genuine.  Some informative, some inventive, some entertaining.  And equally - some annoying, some unbelievably opinionated, some verbose, some boring.  In the end, its totally the writer's prerogative, so read only if you want.  That's the best part. 

I know of people who have formed blogging communities.  They met through their blogs, and outside that, their lives would not have intersected in any other way.  They go on to become a tight-knit circle of friends offline too!  The power of the internet sometimes is crazy and amazing.

If Ifs and Buts...

It amazes me sometimes when I do get around to thinking about it - how restless the mind is.  My mind, at least. P wonders why I have to complicate things always.  He's wrong now.  I do not complicate - I guess. I just think, maybe over-think things. Well, he is right in many ways, as he usually is about many things, contrary to what my - ahem, histrionics may lead one to conclude I feel.  But that's a completely separate point.

The point originally was about my restless mind and the way in which I play out and re-play out scenarios, consequences, alternatives, and the what-ifs.  Its just my wiring. I cannot imagine being any other way, and, while, again as P rightly points out, this is the leading cause of a lot of perhaps unnecessary heartburn, I do believe that its what makes me me - the person who over-thinks and over-feels, yes, but the person who always looks out, thinks ahead, plans and makes sure that the engine runs smoothly. The person who makes sure intent meets execution, the one who can be counted upon at the end of the day. Well, anyway..

Sometimes, though, it does seem like it would be simpler to simply abandon the ifs and the buts and just go with the flow, even if for a fleeting while. So that the mind might rest, take a breather and let that really elusive thing called acceptance in for an even briefer fleeting moment....sigh...

Cobbler

Fresh Fuji apples+  Cinnamon+ Flour+ Vanilla extract+ Butter+ Brown sugar+ Baking powder+ 375 degrees for 40 minutes = amazing apple cobbler. 

Best to be consumed with vanilla ice-cream.  Optional of course for the calorie conscious.

By very popular demand, made another batch the next day.  This time I threw in Bartlett pears and cherries as well.

Deliciouso.

Of old friends...and old, old songs

Hearing from that friend from ages ago...what a refreshing way to start the new year.  Looking forward to the conversations.  Sometimes, making a little bit of time is so worth it.

On another note (no pun intended), I was driving back home yesterday with N, and out of the blue, I started to sing that old old Bengali song...."Dhithom Dhithom"....at first, the words completely eluded me....its been what? 15 years?  My God!!! And what a history that song has....prize-winning and heart-warming, and a hundred other things.....those days, all of us, forgotten friendships, competitive spirits and putting your heart and your soul into something that you believed in, and wanted to be the best at!!  And we were...oh, how we were...

Anyway, as I was saying....I started to sing....and faltered.  The words seem hazy, but I totally remember the tune of the lovely song....and as I struggled with the first few words, suddenly they came back to me....and suddenly, there I was...belting the beautiful words out loud!!  The melody became clearer and louder and there I was, singing away to my heart's content.....and I looked back to see N staring with mouth open...what was Mamma doing....haven't heard this one before?  And as I finished, N starts to clap, and looks all happy and amused!  Perfect end to a perfect memory.

I am amazed that I remembered all the words.  Exactly as I had learnt them all those many years ago.  Sweet memories of that sweet girl....Thank you Baisali....

Reaching out

Reaching out....

To people who I have not reached out to in a long while.  To say Hi and see how they have been doing.  To see where life has taken them.  To hear their voice or see them in person.  See that they have moved along just as I have...a new wife, a new husband, a new baby...a new place, and new beginnings...

Staying in touch....

With people that I want to stay in touch with.  But have not been able to, for various reasons.  People I liked, people I loved.  People who made me smile, laugh and love.  People who meant a lot, still do.  People who make me realize that life really is way too short...

Search

You search for the thing that you think will make you happy
You search for it high and low
You stress and you fuss and you hem and you haw
And yet you know it eludes you...

You search for the thing that you think you have wanted
For so long that time seems inconsequential now
You look for it here and you look for it there
And still the thing eludes you

You give it time and you give it your soul
And yet there seems to be no answer
that will ease the pain and calm the mind
And your search - it continues...

You search for the thing that you think you deserve
And suddenly after all the time has gone by
You finally open your eyes and you open your mind
With a little help from outside

You open your eyes and you finally see
That which is plain and clear
The thing that you have been searching for for so long
Is right there right in front of you.

Mantra for 2011

More patience, More positivity, More perseverance, More passion.

And more letting go....

Amen.

Happy New Year

Take a moment to reflect...

Did you stand up for what you held true to your heart?

Did you stand up against non-sense, unfairness, or that which did not resonate with the values you were brought up with?

Did you take the time to listen to people who needed a sounding board?

Did you give good advice?  Did you ask for it?  Did you take it?

Did you put in your best, so that you could sleep at night knowing you did all you could?

Did you take stock of your body, of your health, and take steps in the right direction?

Did you read for the sake of reading?

Did you make somebody else's life a wee bit better?

Did you look at your child, and see yourself in his eyes?  Did you promise again to do anything at all for him?

Did you tell your parents you loved them?

Did you show your husband/wife how much you loved them?

Did you learn to cook something new?

Did you welcome a friend into your home?

Did you realize how important your family is to you?

Did you find something at work that made you want to go there every morning?

Did you take a long walk on the beach?

Did you stop and smell the flowers?

Did you breathe deeply, and let the breath be the pulse of your mind and your heart?

Did you smile and laugh sometimes for no reason?

Did you see the sunrise or the sunset and think how insignificant you are in the grander splendour of this universe?

Did you count your blessings?

Did you say "Thanks"?

Did you love?

Did you occasionally at least think of your life as a gift...?

If you did some or most or all of these this year, it must have been a fantastic year for you in total. 

If not, then today is the day you have a chance to resolve to do them in this coming new year :-)

Happy New 2011!!!

Takes all kinds

I am trying to understand.  What is it?  The need to be different?  Always, different from everyone else? A rebellion against the ordinary?  Why, though?  And after all these years, no less!  The necessity to move along in circles that look condescendingly almost upon the rest of society that leads such ordinary, un-interesting, "usual" lives? 

It hurts my brain to go through all the material.  To read the stuff that is written with the design to appear uber-intellectual, uber-opinionated....so "open" about everything, all the viewpoints, the arguments, the "know-it-all-ness", the non-sense.  Uber-annoying is what it is.  Coming to recall, that's how it was, all those years ago too...

Guess it takes all kinds.  That's all I can say.  Just didnt think it would be this kind.  Ever.

And this is where we are...

Today has been unbelievably eye-opening for me.  I am still internalizing what I have learned.  It will take a while - to fully absorb it, and to reflect on it, and to come to terms with it.  Look at this life.  Look at the different places it takes us.  Each of us.  Everyone of us.  Today once again, I am being forced to put my life in the perspective of the grander scheme of things.  The grander scheme of people...from my present and my past.  But especially my past.  Look at their life.  People from my past.  I have not been in touch with them.  They have not been in touch with me.  I know my life because I look at it - everyday.  But today I got to look at their life.  And I am still grasping at what I have learnt.

How much time we spend dwelling on ourselves and who we are.  And all the time, things are happening to and with people all around us.  People from our present, and people from our past.  Especially people from our past.  And this is where they are, today.  And this is who they are, today.  And I am amazed and in disbelief.

For one thing, I will feel very differently about many things from this moment onwards.  For sure.

que sera sera

I know that Today is what matters, since the past is over and the future is not ours yet...

But again, is it so wrong to dream about the future, plan for it, and work towards it...so that if and when it does come to us, we can hope for that contentment we strive so hard for?  Isn't that what we all want....a more content future than today....isn't it?

My Pillar...

Today, as on a million occasions before, you inspired me, and comforted my anxious mind.  Your wisdom, your patience, your strength and your faith in me always serve to keep me grounded.  How I wish I could be with you right now.  How I wish we could go on a long walk together, and talk about everything, share stories, and jokes.  How I wish I could see you today - the quiet strength in your eyes, the eternal optimism of your soul....but for now, I have to be content to listen to your voice.  To listen to your advice.  To confide in you, and let your experience and words of wisdom wash over my doubts and questioning mind.  You are my pillar of support, always always have been.  You are my role model.  Waiting to see you...soon.  Love you lots, Pappa...

Dancing with my baby

I believe it now.  That those moments of sheer joy are the ones that utlimately define life.  Sometime ago someone tried to convince me that there is ultimately no one thing that is magical about life.  No one monumental thing will change it, or transform it, or be the cause of happiness or joy.  We can wait and wait for that "big" moment to change things, to make things "better" or to open our eyes and minds.  We will likely wait for ever.  Or a really really long time at least.  In the mean time, the years will roll by, and things will pass.  Life actually, is simply the sum total of a million little things that happen or you make happen along the way.  The sum total of little things.  Little things.  Like dancing with my baby.  He runs to the music system and switches it on.  He knows which button will turn on the channel he loves.  The channel that plays the liveliest, most upbeat music.  The songs that make you want to move to the beat.  And then he starts to dance.  Jumps up and down and does his version of snapping his fingers.  Swirls around and squeals in delight.  And then he looks at me with sheer and complete joy in his eyes.  The biggest of grins spread across his face.  And I have no choice but to join him.  To dance with him.  And I feel the incredible joy that makes my heart soar.  And I never want the moment to end...

Of trips, and old friends and Mickey and Minnie...

It's been a really busy couple of months...not the usual-usual, but other things thrown in as well....nice things :-)....catching up with friends in town...Halloween...N dressed as a chimp...not that he needs a costume!....Diwali night....lighting diyas....little baby boys in kurtas...delightful!....Thanksgiving....trip to the Big Apple....catching up with friends after so long....so nice....NY is a truly awesome city...back to our suburban abode...winter sets in...wrapping up a ton of things at work...planning a trip away from the cold...the Sunshine State beckons...again.....unexpected trip in between to meet an old old friend....more catching up....back home...its snowing now!....and finally off to the south...beaches, and gators, sunshine and spa.....Lion Country Safari...the rhino and the giraffes took the cake!....visit to dear uncle and aunt's place, where N was spoilt thoroughly again...then off to see giraffes, and turtles from glass-bottom boats...and of course, Mickey and Minnie and Donald for good measure....roller-coasters and trains and gizmos and things.....certain people didnt want the fun to end.....
Back home now, and a few more days before the new year rolls in.....hmmm...

Letting go

How do you let go...of that memory, of the joy that grips the heart when you recall that memory, of the regret...how do you let go of the notion of what it could have meant.  Of what it would be like.  And how do you leave it behind and make your way forward?  Do you let go of all of it? Cold turkey?  Or do you hang on by the last threads of the memories that make it bearable.  Because the first lets you make a clean break and start afresh without looking backwards, and the second lets you be yourself again - for a brief, exhilarating moment longer...

Wint(e)rials

Pretty though this winter is - NOT fun when flights get delayed, plans go awry and you're far from home.  I finally land in the airport and find my way on the bus to the parking lot where my car is parked.  To find that it is covered with the white stuff.  Luckily it is still soft (and quite beautiful).  So I have to find my cleaner and remove it from all the windows, etc.  To do this, I have to remove my glove to hold the damn thing.  A few minutes is all it takes, but by now my fingers have frozen completely, and pain takes over.  I jump into the car, feet are wet and cold.  Car is freezing.  With great difficulty I manage to pay the parking attendant.  Unbelievably, my window doesn't roll up.  Looks like some issue because of the cold.  I am desperate.  There is no way I can drive back 30 miles in the snow with an open window.  I pull and shove and bang and knock, and finally the thing manages to roll up and close.  Thank the Lord!  I finally get out of there and on the road back home.  My fingers are seriously hurting now and I worry about frost bite.  And lo and behold, I am greeted by horrendous traffic - commuters delayed by the weather.  After a couple of hours I finally made it home, thankful for its warmth and to see my family.  What a day!
Its OK though.  It teaches you to be patient. :-)

Winter is upon us

I woke up this morning to see a thin layer of white on the grass and the driveway and the roof tops.  The first snow of the season.  Well, the first time really was last Friday, but those were flurries.  Really, really pretty.

The degree to which you feel cold and miserable is dependent on a number of factors, and has mostly nothing to do with the actual temperature.  There's humidity.  And there's wind.  Oh, the wind.  And it amazes me how my frame of reference has changed completely.  I am a seasoned east-coaster now.  Totally know how to deal with the winter now, after all these years.  I know how to dress, and what to do. 

Dont get me wrong - it can get pretty miserable at times.  Especially if those winds are blowing.  However, that is not at all all the time.  In a really different way, this winter is actually quite beautiful.  The first snows are amazing.  The chill in the air can be cleansing. 

Many times, in the next few months, all I will want to do is huddle indoors, under a razai probably and drink some hot chai.  But there will also be many times, when I will go outside, and take deep breaths of the cold air, feel that crazy invigoration, maybe step through some soft white snow, pull that thick jacket closer around me, and trod on....

Ah, Love :-)

The distance, it has always been the biggest pain to deal with.  In time, I accepted it, and moved on with my life.  In time, and time does have this way of helping you deal with things, I made it work out somehow.  This time, though, I was just about unable to come to terms with it.  I should have been there.  I should have.  I could not.  I know he understands.  I know that.  Later, when I saw them together, my heart melted, and my eyes teared up.  Love has a way of easing the pain.  From all sides.  And love, there is plenty of that, now!!

On the flip side, the countdown has begun.  I cannot wait. :-)))))

A little perspective

And then there is perspective.  You think you are having a tough day, a really tough week, and something happens to that one person that puts a completely new spin on the words "Bad Luck".  Added to that, its outright galling how people behave towards other human beings.  Its unbelievable how somethings happen where you least expect them to happen, and its even more unbelievable how they turn out to happen.  And there is a squeeze around the heart, and a churning of the stomach when you hear the details.  And suddenly all your stress has completely paled in comparison.  A little perspective is always a good thing, at the unfortunate cost of someone else.

Really wish this world was a better place.

Hmmm

Sometimes, the thing that you dread the most ends up coming your way.  You do your best to avoid it, to mitigate it, to deny it, and to run away from it.  You kick up a fuss, you stress to no end, and you try every trick in the book to keep it from tarnishing the balance in your life that you work so hard to keep.  In the end, it creeps up on you and shows you who is boss. 
:(((

And also, when its right there in your face, and you have no choice but to accept it, you find a way to deal with it.  And you realize that you were made of stronger stuff than you thought.  You grit your teeth and get through it, and suddenly, just like that, you are on the other side.

Ah, the resilience of the human spirit.

Lessons to learn...

Today more than ever, I wonder why I cannot be more like him.  My propensity to take on the I-need-to-carry-the-world-on-my-shoulders attitude is downright depressing.  I look at him, and I see not just innocence- pure, unadulterated and refreshing always, but also the unwillingness to be bogged down, to dwell on the immediate, to always always be positive, enthusiastic and eager.  I see him go down, and he gets up, dusts himself off and picks up where he left off.  He learns not to make the same mistake again.  He doesn't let the piddly nagging pain or fear bring down his resolve to keep going...I cant describe how much it fascinates me!  Is it in his wiring, I ask - to be like that, to be so strong, to be so pure, and full of joy and positive energy?
Today more than ever, I see I have so much to learn from him....

Colours of the season

Reds, yellows, oranges and in-betweens...I LOVE Fall around here.  One of the best places to be on the planet this time of the year - the east coast of this great land.  The colours always take my breath away.  Love,love, love it.  Truly inspires me.  Nature, seriously....

I am Back

Can't believe its been so long since I wrote here.  Life and all its various vagaries had simply taken over.  I have missed being here, missed penning down my thoughts - random though they were.

Anyway, let's see if this spurt will last this time around.

And lets see, indeed, if I do have anything to say that is worth writing about. :)

"Unaccustomed Earth"

New book by one of my fav authors - Jhumpa Lahiri. The book just came out and I had to have a copy. Its a collection of short stories, and after her Pulitzer prize short story winner, I had high expectations.

Have to say - I was only sort of impressed. The first story, the title story was very good, and I thought I was in for a real treat. The remaining stories were just about okay, with one good one in between.

I am still a fan of her writing style. Rich with simple details, yet so real as for one to identify oneself with various aspects of the story, the so human characters. Some of the details she adds through out her stories are so touching. It does pull at the heart strings at times. Not depressing, just touching. I like that.

However, I did like the first book "The Interpreter of Maladies" much better. I remember those stories were shorter than the ones in "Unaccustomed Earth", but more varied, if I recall right. In the new book, all the main characters are the standard issue second generation Bengali immigrants to the West, and after a point, the usual cultural struggle blah blah gets rather monotonous as a recurring theme.

In any case, I will still read whetever Lahiri's next book will be. I'm just a fan.

Michael Clayton

One of those movies that I should have watched much sooner, but, like many things, got postponed until now. Michael Clayton is definitely in the Big League. Reviews were great, and the movie bagged seven Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture.

I am not going to describe the plot, or anything else that might take away from the movie watching experience for you if you havent already seen it and are planning to. Suffice to say that the script is brilliant, entertaining and respects your intelligence as the audience. Some of the sequence of events are predictable, yet, one is not bored even for a moment. Reminds me of the Bourne series of movies, especially the last one 'Bourne Ultimatum' and what a good watch that was. And no, Michael Clayton is not anything like Jason Bourne, just so you know. He's a regular guy, a corporate lawyer specializing in a certain type of skill.

Having said that, Michael Clayton is played by George Clooney, who delivers, yet again. Reminds me yet again why I like him so much. Combine Clooney's mmmm dreamy looks (despite the age), magnetic screen prescence and brilliant acting with great performances by the other actors too, and you have a movie experience that is worth every second of its 90 minutes, and leaves you saying "Wow" at the end of it.

Loved it. Highly recommend it.

Cherry Blossoms in DC

Caught up with good friend and DC veteran DB who was down from CT for a work conference over the weekend. Drove into DC since it was the peak and inauguration of the famous Cherry Blossom Festival. It was a little cold as we parked at Hain's Point and took the shuttle to the Tidal Basin. It was so beautiful. White and pink cherry trees covered the expanse of the place, and as we got near the Jefferson Memorial by the side of the Tidal Basin, we could see the pink and white trees all around the basin. A complete treat. Throngs of people hanging out enjoying the famous blossoms.

Later, we had a fabulous dinner at our old favourite joint Lebanese Taverna, catching up on a gazillion different life topics. A great way to end a perfect evening.

Here are some pictures...from the official cherry blossom website for 2008...

It's a Beautiful Day

I go for a walk today. After weeks, its about sixty five degrees and just crying for a step out. So I put on my shoes and step outside and take a breath of fresh spring air - still a bit nippy, but completely refreshing.

As I walk through the quintessential American suburban neighbourhood, I see that Winter has transmorgrified (in Calvin's words) into Spring, and most of the trees are in bloom. The grass on the lawns is green once more. There are nests in the trees, and birds flying about. The weather is perfect. Not too sunny, and not at all cold. I walk on, energized.

I pause my Ipod for a moment, and listen to the Spring. I hear zillions of birds sounds. Calling to their mates, probably. Such sweet sounds they are. And so many different sounds. I walk past a little pond, and there are ducks swimming around in pairs. Along the banks, tonnes more flowers are growing.

I play my song once more. Eric Clapton is singing one of my all-time favourite "Let it Grow"

Im standin at the crossroads
Tryin to read the signs
To tell me which way I should
Go to find the answer
And all the time I know
Plant your love and let it grow.

Let it grow, let it grow,
Let it blossom, let it flow.
In the sun and in the snow
Love is lovely, let it grow.

Time is gettin shorter
And theres much for you to do,
Only askn you will get what you are needin,
The rest is up to you.
Plant your love and let it grow.

I look at the cherry trees in all their pink and white splendour. I look at the green grass and see miniscule violet, yellow and magenta flowers sprouting in between the long blades of grass. Everywhere, life is springing forth. I marvel at the little life that we have created ourselves. A miracle, no less. I am amazed and awed at the same time. I smile to myself.

It's a beautiful day.

Is it all about Timing?

They say it is all about timing. Stock markets, real estate markets, promotions, personal life decisions. They say that everything is about timing when to do what, when to make the most of what happens. They say you can make it or break it depending on the timing of events and decisions in your life. Is it? Can you?

I wonder...I haven't thought about this much until now. I am the sort of person who plans for everything in life. I live by a mental check-list of things I need to do and by when I need to get them done. Unplanned events are OK, as long as I have a plan on how to deal with them :) Almost all of the important events in my life have been planned...or so I like to think.

I look at people who live their lives by the seat of their pants, and sometimes, very occasionally, I envy them, but for the life of me, I cannot be like that. So, I have to know how to deal with every situation, weigh the pros and cons, and make the best choice under the circumstances. But what about timing...do I specifically pay attention to that? And how much of a role has it played in my life....?

I think it has played a big role, given everything. I think I am where I am, doing what I am, because of the timing of events in the past. Some of these events just happened at those times, others I made happen at those times. Together, it has landed me where I am. I acknowledge that, and am happy about it. Often times, we tend to point fingers at fate dealing us a set of circumstances, but isn't it also about what we do to deal with it, and importantly, when we deal with it? True, we cannot foresee the timing of future events in our life, but then, we always have had only the present and the past to work with.

Someone told me today that Life is all about timing. This is a person struggling with complex life and work decisions. I think of all the complex personal and professional situations I have been in in my own life, and the part that timing has played in them. Maybe its time to take stock of them, make peace with them, and learn a few lessons for the future.

Back after a Hiatus

It's been a long while since I came to these parts...lots of things happenning...life changes, work changes, and yes this winter :-) I am more convinced than ever that I am a Summer person. I was born in the summer, my name literally means "Summer". Sunny personality? Maybe not all of the time, but hey, I am no morose creature either. One thing is for sure - I don't like the cold. It does nothing to alleviate my mood. Realized the importance of the Sun this winter which seems to be relentlessly going on...

So waiting for spring, the warmth of the sun, and the inevitable uplifting of the spirit that it brings.