Of Reading and watching macho men take out the bad guys

* Reading a book called "What Women Want" by Paco Underhill.  Ok, it's not that kind of book, so do stop.  It's about the marketplace, specifically the Western (read American) marketplace and ecosystem and how it has evolved with the new and powerful role women are playing in decision making in every facet of life, and how you, as a business person, or a CEO, or a marketer, or a seller had better adapt to this new reality, or else you are simply alienating and losing a majority of your potential customer base, etc. etc.  The book is not really saying anything that other people are not saying, or that you don't know or hear about already, but I picked it up to see how the argument would be framed.  So far, its been just about okay.  Still half way through the book, but does not look right now like there is going to be a wow factor in this anywhere.  I already have another book that I had wanted to read, so it will be a struggle to not start reading that one before I wade through the rest of this one.  However, I don't like to not finish books that I start reading, so we will see.

* Watching a little more of TV these days.  Mostly flicks on Netflix, and some shows on Demand (one of the best inventions ever, ever).  The Social Network was a really good movie.  Loved all the characterizations.  The plight of the Winklevoss twins (as dreamy as they look - both the onscreen and off screen versions!), was a little sad and hilarious at the same time.  Do I really feel Zuckerberg is a bad guy? I don't think so.  Feel sorry for his roomie and friend who got conned out of his share of FB, but if the "undisclosed" settlement was in the fair zone, that's all right then, to some extent.  Latest addiction is a show called Strike Back on HBO, that we're watching on demand.  Total masala bond-style action non-sense.  But they have done a great job of keeping it alive and interesting and gripping even.  Crazy.  Nothing but macho testosterone on display most of the time, and normally I would not even have attempted to watch it, if not for P's insistence (God knows where he got to know of it from).  But a few minutes into the first episode, and the bond-like style becomes obvious.  And I will say it - I am a James Bond fan.  And a Jason Bourne fan.  Yes, okay - I like macho men take out the bad guys with incredible panache and style and have a romantic, sensitive side to them and be good looking and display a lot of muscle, all in a crazy plot with plenty of twists with the bad guys being really bad, and a fair share of heated scenes where the above mentioned romantic/sensitive side is on uninhibited display. :)
Ok, fine.  I guess I'm only looking for mindless TV viewing for a few minutes a week.  Whatever.  I'm hooked.
Also enjoying the new Two-and-a-half Men.  When I heard they had killed off Charlie Sheen and got Ashton Kutcher to replace him, I was  virtually disgusted and feeling sorry for the network who had had an amazingly successful run with the previous version.  Then I somehow decided to sit through the first episode, and by golly, it worked!  It was actually funny.  Ashton for once was extremely tolerable.  And despite Sheen's absence, the plot was getting pulled together around the new theme.  Pretty cool.  These guys took a bet, and looks like it is paying off.  Kudos to them.  Charlie Sheen is the real loser in this whole thing.  And while on the topic, has to be said that the other NBC hit "The Office" has really disappointed me with the new replacement.  Yes, Will Ferrel (I absolutely loathe the guy) does NOT replace Steve Carell AT ALL well.  I used to really like The Office and Steve in it and the new version is just crap.  Sad, really.

The Legacy of Jobs

As the world wonders what will happen to the company that this man has left behind, I take a moment to reflect on the legacy he has left behind.  There are few words to describe it adequately.  Hours after the news of the passing of this visionary, I watched a documentary clip on CNN that showed Steve Jobs in 1984, unveiling the Macintosh, which, for the first time ever, showed human beings how to view graphics on a computer screen, and that it was possible to have computing power in an "elegant" little box that you could carry around, instead of on impossibly huge and clunky mainframe type device.  Couldn't help smiling when I saw the Mac, think typical 80's style boxy style computer....a ridiculously far cry from what Apple has come up with in the last few years.  But how apt, that it was Jobs who revolutionized computers and the idea of computing devices even back in 1984.  There he was, not yet thirty years old, young and fit, head full of hair, radiating energy and that creative spark which we have all seen so well time and again in the last decade.

No doubt Apple has some of the world's smartest engineers and marketers.  No doubt the day-to-day operations are conducted by unbelievably talented and hard working folks who have helped make Apple the success it is today.  Yet, it can be argued that this man singularly made the company into the icon of the century in the last couple of decades.  One reads about all the criticism he has received as a CEO, as a billionaire, as a legend, as a man, even...and one realizes that even icons cannot and will not be perfect.  However, the one thing Steve Jobs has done probably better than anyone else one can think of in the last several decades is having created this legacy of Apple.  The Mac, the iPod, the iPhone, iTunes, iPad...just amazing.  Yes, this man has overcome doubts of giants like Microsoft eating Apple for lunch, overcome speculations of competitors chopping market share in no time, and banished altogether the notion that it is impossible for a single brand to consume sweeping sections of the world's population in cult-like fashion.

What more would he have achieved if he was given more time, and health?  And how will his successor begin to fill his shoes?  What expectations can the heart-broken fans have from this company going forward?  Time will tell.  For now, one can only be in awe of the man who chased his dream, and made it come true.

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs.

Waves

She stood by the edge of the waves, the wind blowing in her hair, the smell of the ocean filling her senses.  She felt her feet sink into the sand as the waves receded and tried to pull her along with them.  Pull her back into the waves, into the expanse of water, to the past, to a place deep and dark, filled with secrets and wonders beyond her wildest, most exotic dreams.  She wished she could go where the waves beckoned, to that place filled with excruciating promise.  She stood there, the wind stinging her face, her eyes.  She could feel the moisture in her eyes.  She could taste the salt as the drops rolled onto her quivering lips.  Was that from the ocean, or was that from deep inside her, she wasn't sure.  As she stood there, strangely calmed by the crashing waves and the roaring wind, she thought of another time, and another place, when her mind was young, her heart sang with joy, and her soul reveled in the carefreeness that was her spirit.  How she wished time would morph into the past, and she could be there in 'that' moment once more.  Just once more, her soul begged.  So that she might know what fulfillment meant....again.

Adam Sandler and Elmo

Yes, I know.  Unfathomable combination.  But you know what?  I actually like it.  Perhaps for the very first time (and likely the only time), I like what Adam Sandler does here.  Usually, I see his face and hear his raspy voice, and get instantly put off.  But not here. :)
Guess the magic is Elmo, then.  Has to be. :)
Thanks to N for the introduction.  And has to be said, Sandler does have a certain talent for singing.  Maybe he should stick to this genre.  :-D

Of Manglorean oota

Often, I am amazed by my preferences for South Indian food.  To be more precise, Manglorean food.  I am actually a quintessential foodie.  I love variety, and I love different foods from all over India and all over the world, as long as there's nothing in there that ever lived, moved, and/or had organs.  Growing up, I was the sibling that never ever fussed about food.  I used to eat everything, and still do - although, now I am a lot more conscious about the health factor in the food I eat.  Like I said, I love variety, and eating the same thing for more than a couple of days is not palatable (if I may use the pun) to my sensibilities.  I guess it is providence then, that I married a man who is almost exactly the same in this respect, and is a great cook to boot.  And, years ago, when I migrated to this country, and was far from home, and from my mom's amazing food, I was forced to adapt.  Forced to learn, recipes diligently passed on from Mom, but also some amazingly fun experimentation of my own.  Years of practice mean that I am far far from being a novice now, and believe I can give any half decent cook a run for their money.  Anyway, back to the thing that amazes me - be it my own cooking, or food from elsewhere, soul food to me is south Indian fare.  And if that includes cuisine from Mangalore, then sheer joy abounds.  All the recipes I know of are from Mom, and I have learnt to replicate them almost perfectly (though not quite - hers still taste better).  The variety of things you can make with Manglorean cuisine is mind-boggling.  So many things can be made out of almost everything.  The number of things using coconut for example are so numerous, someone other than a Manglorean who might know that coconut = chutney for idlis/dosas would be astounded.  Anyway, I think its in some gene that I carry around (hoping I've passed that on to N!).  Its in my blood.  My heart.  Kairasa, Menaskai, Besida Maavinkai gojju, Masale huli, Uddin hittu, theek roti (biscuit rotti), Thambuli, Majjige huli, Shaamige, Pathrode, Kai holige, Gatti, and the list goes on..(and each of these has numerous unique variations depending on how you change up the ingredients).....ok, my mouth is watering just thinking of some of these.
Give me one or more of these, and you give me pure, unadulterated happiness....

Life, some more

Do you sometimes have that feeling of time running out?  Do you sometimes will yourself to not get stressed despite the fact that people around you seem to be doing the things they do everyday, and each day comes and goes with all the usual things happening, and the world is going round and round, as usual, and that on any given day, if you took a snapshot of that day, it would look like the snapshot of any other day, and so the "stills" indicate that everything is going on as BAU....but....these very things mean that time is the one thing that is not standing still.  And time is moving so quickly, that often times, you pause from all the million things you are doing and yet have to get done, and you realize, that a huge amount of time has actually gone by...and in that micro-second of luxury that you have allowed yourself to actually pause and reflect, you look back at the time that has gone by, and you count and you recount all the things that you did and that happened, and you wonder at some of them, and you despair at some of them....you laugh at some of them, and you cry thinking of some of them, and you marvel at all that has gone by, and you marvel still, at the things that should have happened, and the things that could have happened, and the things that you should have made happen, but you didn't...because, well, you just didn't.....and that's when you start having a sense of anxiety about whether you will ever make those things happen.  Because time is running out...and you are so far behind on the things that need to happen now, and tomorrow, and the day after....that you know only too well, that it will be a whole while before you can actually get to that thing that you want to make happen...so....even though you know time is not on your side, you resolve to plough on....because, really, that is all you can do for now.  Because, somewhere, in the deep recesses of your heart, you know that if something were really, really meant to happen, it will.

Life

Today's Verities
~ Everyone has something to teach you.
~ Nothing is worth more than cherishing the ones who are important to you
~ Taking the time and trouble to do something nice for someone is completely worth it after the fact
~ You are in control of your life.  You just need to decide that you are, and the discipline to be in control

Today's Fallacies
~ What goes around comes around
~ Positive intent is good enough
~ Some things come without trade-offs
~ Everything will eventually pass.  This too...

Super Sad True Love Story

~ Gary Shteyngart

Overall I enjoyed this book.  As I picked it up and started reading, I realized this was a fiction after what has been a spate of non-fiction reads for me in the recent past.  Somewhat curious then, that this should be the fiction read that I happen to pick up.  But never mind that, as I started enjoying what seemed to be a different story line and premise.  The story is set in the future, where society and social media have morphed exponentially from what we know them to be today.  America is facing unprecedented decline.  Predictable, China is the new super power, etc. etc.  The interesting thing is that human beings (especially the protagonist in the tale) are still human at every level, and things like falling in love are still poignant and human and emotional and touching.  The story moved along forward putting me the reader at ease with the futuristic concepts because tying everything together was the human factor, etc.  I found the concept of life extension, or striving to live forever, amusing and slightly disconcerting at the same time.  Illustrated well, I must say.  I was curious and interested in seeing how everything would be tied together in the end.

Alas, the end however, disappointed.  The story had every potential for making the conclusion really stick in the reader's mind.  However, everything became so predictable towards the last couple of chapters.  I wonder what happens with these authors who have a good thing going, the story has all the potential to be great, the build up is terrific, and then poof - deflation.  What is it?  How can the imagination just run out of steam when it matters?  Don't get it.

I have to say that its still a different kind of story.  I enjoyed the glimpse of a potential future for human-kind.  I like the humour, and the human-ness of the characters.  I enjoyed the illustration of the concept of extending human life.  I actually liked the language - even though it was on the edge often.  I liked the emotions the lead character describes.  I just didn't like the end of story.

September...

* The birthday party was fun, fun, fun...they are all babies no more :(
* Work has become oh so busy...a good thing for sure.  But wondering what the thresh hold is for stress to set in
* Striving as usual for balance...physically, emotionally and spiritually....good news is that I have made a ton of headway.  The journey continues...
* This month I counted many blessings....I am lucky
* My baby is a big boy now.  Talks non-stop.  The entertainment index has gone through the roof.  The things he comes up with are unbelievable.  PB said it right when she recently said that boys are hilariously cute at this age.  Girls at this age are all cutesy-cutesy.  But boys are downright hilarious.  The things that come out of a boy's mouth can have you rolling on the floor laughing.  It's true. :-D
* Yoga continues to keep me grounded.
* Am pleased with all that I have been able to read recently.  Looking for my next book now.  Recommendations?
* And finally, my annual favourite statement to make - Fall is in the air. :-)

decisions

How much more peace now that the decision has been made.  Makes me wonder why it even took so long.  I guess life works at a completely different pace for everyone.  You have to make your choices and your decisions in your own sweet time.  You have to come to terms with those choices in your own way.  And you have to make peace with what you have decided, in your own mind, and heart...only in the way it makes sense to you, and no one else.  That is the only way to do it right.  For you.

Three!

Three years of amazement.  Of sleepless nights.  Of first moments.  First steps.  First words.  Of ups and downs.  Of laughter and joy.  Of exhaustion and doubt.  Of guilt.  Of unending fun.  Of responsibility like never before.  Of sacrifices.  Of tears of happiness.  Of unending smiles.  Of innocence.  Of seeing yourself in his eyes.  Of love, way more than you thought you were capable of.  Of realizations that there is way more to come...

Happy third birthday to my sweet little boy.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...
~Adele

home improvement

Engaged in a spate of home improvement projects today.  Took turns with keeping N engaged, while we blasted through a list of things I had kept aside to be done.  Shelves hung, some of my nick knacks have a new home.  Pictures hung up.  Bulletin board for N's art-work.  Pictures moved around.  Big art piece up on the living room wall.  Thinking of painting the fireplace wall.  Will be a nice accent in the room.  Should be easy to do.  P finishing up the tiling project in the basement bathroom.  I absolutely love, love, love decorating my home.  I take pride in the subtle, yet sophisticated (in my humble opinion) taste and theme running through the whole house.  In spite of being toddler friendly.  You just have to be creative and a parent at the same time.  Can totally be done.  Changing things up every now and then keeps the place alive, fresh and feeling like home.  A place you always love coming back to.

Of dreams....or nightmares...

I knew I had a raging headache even as I slept.  I could feel the throbbing pain even as I was desperate and asleep and knew I had to wake up first to even do something about it, like get a drink of water, or some pain medication.  It happens to me from time to time, and I absolutely hate it.

What made the bad headache really really worse was the dream that accompanied it.  Its been 4 hours since I awoke from that dream, and I still remember it vividly.  The dream specifically - I've gone back in time.  The scene is that we (my old Cottons gang) are done with school and it is time to apply to get into PUC/11th standard.  There are only a few coveted schools/colleges we want to get into, and each of them has a deadline for applications to be submitted.  Don't know where that came from, that was not the way it actually worked all those years ago, from what I remembered.  Anyway, the exact moment that I recall is that (in the dream), I find out that all my friends have been accepted into the colleges that they wanted, and I have not even started the application submission process, and the deadline is up!!!!  What the hell!!?????  I exactly recall the stress of this realization in the dream, and how it made me feel - physically, my brain pounded away inside my skull with migraine-like quality.  Unbelievable.  The scenario was long and drawn out, and seemed to play on endlessly.  Me running around helter-skelter among a sea of students milling around different college campuses, discussing this course and that.  My friends talking about their applications and the interview process.  Me wondering tearfully how they never even told me about what they were doing so that I might have done the same.  Me despairing that all the deadlines were up and I had nowhere to go.  My future, my life, my everything completely at stake here.  Godddd!!!!

Thankfully, Nayan's wake up call jolted me from a really painful state.  My head was pounding as I went to pick him up from his room, and for several moments, I felt dizzy and dis-oriented from the pain and the dream itself.  And then relief washed all over me, as I realized I was awake.  And not in 11th standard, and without a college to go to. :-)

Made me wonder like hell what that was all about, and what kind of dream this was.  And what the hell did it mean??? So random......or.....was it?  I told P and laughed about it.  And P, in all his wisdom, pointed out that it could, just could, have something to do with the other issue in my life that I am currently dealing with.  The one that I keep referring to as the issue with the deadline, and how I am building up stress around that.  Of course, that is what it must be!!!  So funny, actually.  Not strange now that I think about it.  That's exactly how the stress of the actual issue has manifested itself into this weird dream.  Crazy!  But totally amazing how the mind works...I feel this could almost be a nice case study on dreams. :-)

brothers in arms

Timeless.  Soul-stirring.  Goose bumps.  Every time I hear it.  A classic.  Sung by one of the best that there ever was.

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be

Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

An earthquake and a hurricane in the same week.  Not bad for a small state quite unfamiliar with both.

Indian Summer

~ Alex Von Tunzelmann

Really liked this book.  Amazingly well researched.  If you're a history buff, which I am to a fair extent, and if, further, you are interested in the topic of the British Raj, Indian independence movement, etc., which I am to a very large extent, then this book is a treasure.  Superbly rich with details, yet told in a story like fashion with plenty of humour.  Unbelievable details of events/people that led up to independence, and partition.  Most of this was so not told to us in our high school history lessons.  Talk about distorting historical facts conveniently.  Some of the details I really wonder about in this book.  Did they really happen that way?  The entire book is heavily foot-noted, so the research is apparent, the bibliography transparent.  So I want to believe none of this is possibly cooked up.  Makes you re-think the whole memory you have of what you learnt about the British rule, and the freedom movement, and more so of the freedom fighters.

The key players in the book- Lord Mountbatten, Edwina Mountbatten, Nehru and Gandhi.  We all knew Gandhi was eccentric, but the details in this book bring them out at a whole new level.  He was most ineffective on the most important issues through the course of the most important couple of decades of the movement.  Ideological, yes.  Spiritual, of course.  Guru to a sweeping majority of the nation, yes.  But completely ineffective as a leader of the actual independence movement.

So much detail about the Mountbattens, and their completely intertwined destiny with India.  Details of Dickie Mountbatten's obsession with grandeur and importance is brought out in the most humorous way.  And the whole relationship between Edwina and Nehru is described in the most beautiful way.  Theirs truly sounds like a love bound by the soul, something eternal.  And to read the bare facts of issues like Kashmir.  What happened to lead to how things are today, and events and people that shaped such a major destiny for India's future.  The dreadfulness of the events leading up to and following partition.. Eye-opening in many cases.  Also includes some really nice photographs.

Great book.  Considering its the author's first one, I am quite impressed.

How strange is it that on the same day, in completely separate and totally unrelated conversations, unbeknown to each other, oblivious to my interaction with each other, P and H told me the exact same thing.  They made the exact same point, and called out the exact same thing.  uhhh, strange.  But how significant is that, now...yep, much for me to think about...

Touched base with my dear, dear H today after aaaaaaaaaaaaaages.  Was soooo good, and reminded me again how much I missed you, crazy H!!

Am smiling right now, and suspect I will for the rest of the day....:-)

God, I have so, so much to learn....damn, I better get started.

my investment

There are many times when I feel on the older side of the time continuum.  To be fair, I am not a defeatist, nor do I feel old and worn out.  I'm usually fairly full of energy and always have a long list of things to do, always look to the future, always plan what's next, how best to use my time, what's the next thing I want to accomplish, etc. etc.  I am usually not happy resting on something that I have achieved, I am constantly looking to see what "else" I need to get done.  A nice side effect of this is that I seldom feel my years. :-).  Ok, I'm not that old anyway, but I do look at the facts, and I see that quite a few years have gone by.  There are times, when I look back at the years and wonder where the time has gone.  There are so many things that I will never ever do again, simply because they are not age appropriate anymore.  So many things are in my past now, and I can only re-live them in my memories.  Which is fine, for the most part.  Except that, at a very human level, sometimes, there is that longing to be really young again.  For those truly were the best days of my life (isn't it true for most people?).  My childhood, my teenage years, college days, my twenties....I have lived my life through these years, with all the usual ups and downs...and here I am now, with no way of going back.....except....through N.  And so it hits me, like a most refreshing feeling, that I now will get to re-live everything through him.  He is my legacy.  He is my future.  He is the investment I make now so that life might come a full, full circle.

I count my blessings, and put him at the very top of that list.

In all seriousness, I ask myself - do I quit while I am ahead?

How in heaven's name do I help myself answer that question....?

suddenly I see

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what i wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower yeah
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This Is what i wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

storm

The sun had completely disappeared, and dark, ominous clouds loomed low and gray, filled with the promise of something exciting, something terrifying.  She braved her way through the back-up of traffic leading up to the freeway, jostling for road space among the rest of the populace eager to make their way home before the storm hit.  On the freeway, she hit the accelerator just a little harder than usual, a mild anxiety forming unwittingly in the pit of her stomach.  There was a stillness in the air.  Not a leaf moved on the trees.  Not a breeze blew in the air.  As she sped along, suddenly out of nowhere, there was a huge, angry flash of light seemingly right in front of her.  Her heart missed a beat.  It was large, it was angry, it was terrifying.  The flash of light illuminated the darkness that had descended like a scene from some sci-fi movie.  For a second, time seemed to stand still.  In the next instant, there was a heart-stopping, deafening roar ripping through the blackness that was sky.  It was so loud, the earth shuddered uncontrollably.  And sure enough, in the very next instant, the now sheer black sky was ripped open by another humongous flash of white, hot light, and the heavens spilled their heaving bounty onto the reeling earth.

The knot in her stomach tightened as she ploughed through the deluge.  Her face was tight with the tension of concentration.  The wipers were on full blast, and yet there were just microseconds of visibility in the almost unbelievable scene that was unfolding around her.  Suddenly there added to the stress the possibility of random people slowing down their vehicles on the freeway.  The worst possible thing to do on a freeway is to suddenly slow down when you are absolutely unsure of what speed the rest of the vehicles are moving at.  And, as if to purposely distract from the task of figuring that out, the heavens continued the incredible sound and light show in a manner that made it impossible to not watch in wide-eyed wonder.

So huge a thing is nature.  So small a thing was she.  For the entire time that the skies unleashed their insides onto the unsuspecting earth, she was captivated, in that excited, terrified way...watching helplessly as the scene morphed from one spectacular show to the next.

Much later, the air was still once more.  This time, the sun had returned from its hiatus.  The black clouds were a thing of the past.  The sky was blue once more.  The earth was wet, and green and quenched.  She marveled at the whole episode.  She smiled at the memory of minutes ago.  At how she had been uncertain of how to deal with a multitude of potential eventualities in such a situation.  At how fragile we all really are, in the larger scheme of things.  At how, despite the magnitude of the storm, it had actually been exciting to watch.  And suddenly, right there in front of her, as if to make up for any inconvenience it might have caused moments before, the heavens put forth a most delightful, a most wonderful little gift to the earth, to us mere mortals....a single, huge, multi-coloured rainbow....touching the earth here....extending to way beyond the sky there...and, watching this sight of beauty, her breath caught in her chest once more.

today's random musings

I pause and reflect.  I wonder how after all this time, it has come to this.  Maybe it was inevitable.  I give credit where credit is due.  I wonder how I am ever going to make that all important decision.  I agonize endlessly over it.  I realize time is running out.  Will it even matter years from now, I wonder.  What really is the most important thing here...as I agonize about where I am doing the right thing, I take a brief moment to be thankful.  I call home and talk to Ma and Pa.  And I am instantly calmed.  N and I are goofing off in the evening, and I ask him if he loves Mamma.  He gives me his usual naughty smile in answer, because he knows I want him to say yes, and he teases me by saying anything but that.  I thought he would continue playing, and suddenly he says he loves Jajja and Momma and G Maama and R Athe...just like that.  My heart constricts, and I miss all of them all over again.  To think that the child misses them as well is nothing short of wrenching.  I was told Life is like that when I brought something up.  Just like that, that has become an explanation.  For everything.  Well, whatever.  I shake my head gravely.  Illusions have a darned funny way of playing with the mind.  N teaches me more about love everyday.  P teaches me patience.  My friends teach me endurance.  We are all enduring different things in this life.  When I see some of them suffering, my own anxiety about this or that pales a little bit in comparison.  I reach out.  To touch their life a little bit, just like they touch mine.  Everyday.  In the end, I look at all these relationships.  In the end, that is what is going to endure us.  And redeem us.  I am certain of it.

kaisi hai yeh rut

Strolling down memory lane....this movie, this song....the time, 2001 I think it was.  I was young, and crazy, and the very embodiment of the characters in this oh, so popular movie.  Seemed like the movie was made for us, of us and by us...in any case, I had fallen in love with this song then.  And that didn't happen often with Bollywood songs in general.  But this one was something else. 

Don't know why I remembered this song today.  Looked specifically for it on YouTube and the nostalgia came pouring back in.  I'm still smiling...although, with the memories there is now a twinge of something else - what is it? regret? something more than just nostalgia...where have the years gone? sigh...

The lyrics are beautiful....and so is the song.

Black Swan

Finally, finally saw this movie.  And uh, what do I say?  Felt incredibly slow moving in the beginning, and a little weird.  Am usually up for something different, even intense in a movie, and I guess at any other time, this might have qualified nicely.  But am in a slightly sensitive frame of mind these days (heh), and somehow this ended up rubbing a raw nerve somewhere.  Have to admit that Natalie Portman has acted incredibly well.  Deserving of the academy award.  The movie itself started reminding me of Jack Nicholson and The Shining about thirty minutes into it....*shudder*.  Yep, not my favourite genre.  In general, I'm not a fan of horror, although pure horror is ridiculous.  Don't believe in ghosts, and other such crap.  However, the psychopath/sociopath is a very real fear for me.  And it can be spine chilling in a well made movie.  Again, *shudder*.

In any case, was a decent watch.  Portman was really very good.  Amazed at the ubiquitous token-mostly-with-negative-undertones roles that Mila Kunis seems to be playing all over the place.  Could be wrong though, because I simply never watch as nearly the number of movies that I used to, and probably should be...

As the movie started getting progressively more disturbing towards the end, all I was glad about was that I wasn't going to bed alone....:-)

out on a farm again

Raspberry picking this time at Wegmeyer farms in one of the most picturesque parts of Virginia.  N had a blast again (he had been told we were doing this and was waiting for days), and I am happy that he sees that fruit comes from plants growing from the soil and not from the grocery store.  He braved little thorns on the bushes and picked two pints of raspberries which I was forced to buy.  Now I have to figure out what to do with them all.  Maybe its cobbler time again.  They are really quite good raspberries.  You can taste the freshness that you simply don't get when you buy from the store.

It was seriously so peaceful there on the farms.  It had just drizzled, and the sun was playing peekaboo from behind the clouds.  The lushness and greenery filled me with a sense of calmness that I desperately needed.  There were hardly any crowds, maybe we were nice and early.  The Gold Heart Sisters, a sweet little band of four sisters and one token brother were actually playing their music under a little tent.  How delightful.  Of course, N got treated to a raspberry sundae and we sat of benches of haystacks and listened to the very nice music while enjoying the sundae.  Once N was done, he and a few other kids began dancing to the music and every time they finished a song, he would run up to them and clap and clap, much to their amusement.  He's turning into a real crowd pleaser.  Back home now, and I am scouting the Internet for things to make using raspberries...

my yoga

Nothing fills me with more peace than my yoga practice.  With every stretch, every pranayama breath, and with every asana, I bow to the light within me and the light around me.  It truly opens the heart and the mind, and lets nothing but peace and tranquility flow in, no matter what else is going on.

name change

Apologize in advance for the name change.  I'm hoping you have reached out to me by now and I have told you what the renamed version of this space is.  And hopefully you will continue to be an audience.

Been wanting to do that for a while now.  Changing the name, that is.  And this phrase has always been one of my favourites.  Heard it when I was a kid, and I remember wondering what it meant.

"If ifs and buts were pots and pans....there'd be no need for tinkers."  How awesome is that!!

Another version I read recently:  If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a very merry Christmas.  That sounds more American, but I like the first one better.  Very British sounding.  Love it.

I remember smiling and joking with someone at the time about the meaning of the proverb and how funny and cute at the same time it sounded.  And now, so many years later, I think how appropriate it is to our continued propensity in life to think how else something could be or should be, because our current reality is something different, and how pointless it is anyway....because if you really want to and have to change your current reality, then go change it!  And stop pontificating about tinkers...:-).  Or, to rephrase the American version: if all the reasons we come up with for why we can't do something were party foods instead of words, we could have a really great party.

Absolutely love it.  Cannot think of a better name for this page.  And yes, it rolls off the tongue oh, so nicely. :-)

wise words from a smart kid

There's always going to be someone who makes more money than you, who's better at basketball than you, or who climbs the corporate ladder faster than you.  There's only so much you should choose to stress about these things.  Each of us has our unique place in the Universe to do what we are meant to do.  We should choose to make our peace with that, and choose to find happiness in the things that we do have and the things that surround us.  Right? :-)

So said GF to me today, the really smart guy I hired a few months ago, the kid who has proven himself in the short span of time he's been on the team, with his nerdiness, geekiness, soft-spokenness and amazing ability to grasp new stuff and get right down to business.  The guy I'm going to promote in a few months, even though he doesn't know it yet.  Yes, he has youth on his side to support all his general optimism.  But he also has a wisdom I'm discovering, and a propensity to be positive about everything.  I learn something from every conversation.  Definitely one of the upsides of my job.

The debt debate

Disgusted at the delay/uncertainty/anxiety being created by the GOP throwing a wrench into the work being done to raise the US debt ceiling.  If this thing fails, God knows what is going to happen to the world economy.  As precarious as the economic eco-system is right now, it is going to spell nothing but disaster if those idiots don't realize it and stop acting like idiots for once.  The sheer idiocy of the whole thing amazes me.  Was discussing this with P today and I said how its possible for educated and rational people to be making the kind of argument they (the republicans) are making.  P pointed out that the most obstinate ones among them aren't.  Educated and rational, that is.  And that is quite possibly the problem here. They seem to be taking pleasure in holding the country (and in turn the world) hostage to their version of how the economics should work.  Crazy.

In general, I had a rule that this space was for personal opinions/thoughts and that I would not be making political (or not) statements, etc etc.  But this time, I cannot help myself.  Right-wing nut-jobism is morphing into something more terrible/terrifying.  Hoping sanity prevails somehow.  For everyone's sake.

Weekend madness

And just like that another weekend is over.  Another weekend that was hot, hectic and super busy.  Crazy.  Birthday party, kids tiring themselves out.  Which was an awesome thing, because nap time was a breeze for once.   IKEA!!!!  Bought things for the house other than the thing we went there to buy!  But IKEA is always like that.  So, that's ok.  Dinner and a movie.  New strategy for getting N to sleep through the night, and in his own room.  There is a small ray of hope that it will work.  Sunday morning was actually a lazy morning for once.  Trip to the hairdresser.  N sat through his haircut without crying.  Another first!  Looks super cute now!  Tennis.  Library.  Shopping at the mall.  Realized N has had too much junk to eat this weekend.  Got him on an all-fruit snack diet today.  Worked out well.  Make N's dinner, our dinner.  Bath time.  Story time.  Bed time.  Now if only he finally will go to sleep, I can finally put my feet up.  And wonder what happened to the weekend.  Wait, what weekend????

Outliers

~ By Malcolm Gladwell

Fantastic read.  In spite of the recommendations and rave reviews, had not had a chance to pick it up until recently.  The minute I started reading, I was hooked.  Brilliant writer, amazing use of examples to illustrate the core point of the book, and high enough interest level maintained throughout to make you not want to put down the book at all.  Quite a feat.  The book attempts to outline the 'story' of success - how successful people got to where they are, and that there's a hell of a lot more to success than the individual's achievements.

I have to admit, after the rather incredible first example on the Canadian hockey players, I was tending towards slight skepticism when I started reading the examples of Bill Joy and Bill Gates.  I thought the data was being presented in too arranged a manner.  Errr, I do data analysis for a living,  and I know only too well how any argument can be data driven, OR, it can be entirely hypothesis driven, and one can always find some data or the other to support that hypothesis. :-). Worse, in many cases, one can twist and turn the data to make it support the hypothesis.  Oh, how well I know this.  I see it every day.

However, Gladwell is impossible to argue with.  And really, the point he's making throughout the book is obvious if you think about it.  The framework of his argument is flawless if you think about it.  The problem is that we rarely think about it in that way.  And he's so masterfully explained the examples with compelling data points, that its really difficult to poke holes in his theory.  Big ones, at least.  And I tried, for the fun of it. :-)

I was told every parent should read this book.  I'm glad I did.  It's true!  Every parent should read this book.  And I love Gladwell's writing style.  It is simple, honest, and seems to come straight from the heart.  

Amazing book.  Gotta pick up his The Tipping Point and Blink next.

Hot, hot, hot!

Heat wave approaching DC starting today and lasting a whole week, with the worst part coming later in the week.  Ugh.

Time to turn up the cooling, and minimize the clothing. :-)

One of those days

It's been one of those days when...

- am so thankful for friends.  Met so many of them over the last 2 weeks, and especially this weekend.  Watching N interact with the kids, just hanging out in J & R's backyard, going to the park, and the city...realized how all these people make life a whole lot better.

- am in amazement at how much N is chattering away, and the words he is learning and the things he comes up with when we least expect them!  It's hilarious but also a strong indication that we have to absolutely watch what we say when he's around.  Because he's listening and imitating all the time.  Gosh!

- still smile when I think of N's highlight of the weekend.  Had gone for pizza after the playground on Sat, and who should turn up for their dinner but 2 cops.  N's jaw dropped open as soon as he saw them (they had of course just got out of their cop car and were fully uniformed, complete with weapons and all) and he couldn't stop staring.  So I took him and walked over to their table and told them he wanted to say Hi.  They were most friendly, and shook his hand and talked to him and asked him what he was going to eat, etc.  He was so in awe. :-)  We came back to our table, and I could see the absolute thrill on his face.  :-))

- P took N to the park this evening, and I had some time to myself.  Decided to cook up a storm, and I did.  I am far from the domestic type (although I'm a stickler for cleanliness - I cannot stand dirt or messes, my kitchen and bathrooms have to be clean always, and clutter equals stress - yes, maybe that's borderline OCD, don't care what they call it!) yet I don't dislike cooking, but I don't like to do it everyday and I certainly don't like to do it for long periods.  But today, I just went on and on.  It was almost therapeutic.  Now there's enough food for a whole week. :-)

- feel like taking a vacation...where I don't do anything much....just sleep to my heart's content, maybe :-)

- was telling someone today how N's surgery and the last three weeks brought the best and the worst out in us as parents, and how the love-for-your-child thing got multiplied by a factor of a million or so through the whole thing....it's true. :-)

- am thankful for this space here.  Even though the dramatics threatens to go out of control at times (hee hee), its still something I enjoy doing...so, if you read this, thanks for reading!

Missing that which was never mine to begin with...

...as impossible as that may sound.

Reactions

So many times, it is so easy to react on the spur of the moment.  Reaction to something is instant and emotions rise to the surface unabated.  It is so easy then, to say something or do something or show something of how you are feeling.  Unless you take a deep breath, and walk away.  And get a night's sleep over it.  Come morning, you feel just a little bit different about it.  Perspective has made its wise way into the stormy seas of emotion.

I have, oh so wisely, decided to simply let my silence be my reaction.

He's a growing boy, it seems

I had a big time problem when they said N had 'graduated' from being an infant to a toddler around his first birthday.  Ok, yes, that's me, so please stop laughing.  My baby, the sweet infant with all his baby innocence, now a toddler?  Ok, whatever.  I had just about come to terms with that.  With his toddler-hood came the terrible two's and every other delightful thing we as parents could possibly come across (oh and by the way, the sleepless nights didn't stop).  I was kind of still grappling with 'toddler' and now they tell me that he's no longer one.  He's supposedly a 'pre-schooler' now!  What!!  School? Pre-school? My N?

Where has the time gone?  And have I captured enough of those memories?  As I look at some of his baby pictures, with the layers of baby fat around his sweet face that have now disappeared to make way for more handsome defined 'pre-schooler' features, and as I fold and store away yet another piece of clothing because it does not fit him anymore, a little fraction of my heart is broken...again.

Clarity

What a liberating feeling it is when something becomes clear in the mind.  When you take the emotions out, and add a dollop of practicality, and let realism soak in...when you see something for what it is, and the cloud is lifted...when you realize how subjectivity held you captive in the past...when clarity of thought engulfs the brain...its so so liberating.  Now finally, one can hope for some peace. :-)

summer and reading and other things

Signing up to get really busy at work soon.  Has to be done.  Looking forward to it actually.  In the mean time, have resumed my reading again.  More on what I am reading and what I think of them soon.  Only going with recommendations from friends and family right now.  No time to try anything else.  Also, we are approaching the peak of DC summer here, but still feels great to do all the outdoor stuff.  Yeah summer is hot and sweaty, but beats the bone biting chill of winter any day. :-)

On another happy note, R will be here soon.  Waiting to see you!!

The past ten days had taken its toll.  Unbelievably stressful.  Until yesterday.  A good night's sleep and no incidents with N has done wonders.  His smile and apparent decrease in discomfort have been a soothing balm on my own pain.  Pain of having put him through it all. 

We are all slowly bouncing back into normalcy, after what seemed like a bad dream.  Thank God for P.  Thank God for parents.  Thank God for friends.  And thank God for my brave little baby, who has taught me to be strong and resilient.  And still teaches me every single day.

Of emotions and more...

I look back at this past month and am amazed at what an emotionally intense month it has been.  Huge!  On multiple levels.  In multiple ways.  So much has been said.  So much has happened.  And so much has been felt.

I guess I will always remember this time.  Life is just so funny and strange and unpredictable all at the same time.  And yet, the one thing it does without fail is constantly teach you something new about yourself.  Yes, this past month I did learn.  So much.  I learnt that I can be emotional, but that I can also hold back.  I learnt that I can be outspoken, but that I can also keep my thoughts in check.  I learnt to be tough once more, but I also learnt to open up my mind and my heart and be myself.  I learnt that I can bring down that guard for just a little bit, to let just a little something in....just for a little while.  So that happiness could invade. :-)

Life.  You've gotta love it and laugh at the way it works.  That, in the end, is the only way to live.

trials of parenting

The past week has been hard.  Hard on us, for sure, but harder on N.  He's pulling through and the natural resilience of childhood will help him endure - the pain, the anxiety and the stress of the moment.  And soon, he'll be back bouncing off the walls once more, this painful incident forgotten.  He's so young now, years from now, he will not even remember this.

The real trial is for us.  Parenting has been one big guilt trip.  Are we doing enough? Are we giving enough? Are we planning enough, are we providing enough?  Always doubting whether we can be doing something better, even though we are giving a 110% of all that is possible. 

And it is so even in this case.  No amount of sleep deprivation, anxiety, planning, taking infinite amounts of time off from work, etc seem to have been enough to deal with the stress, to deal with the guilt of having put him through this.  N has taken more than the stipulated time to recover, and his pain and stress are enough to elevate ours to extremely high levels.  While maintaining sanity and calm outwards for his sake, it has taken its toll.  I'm exhausted and cranky myself.  And yet, I have to stay focused.  Yet, I have to be mom.  That job never ends. 

Cannot wait for next week.

I bask in the early morning sunshine.  I'm sleepy, but I realize I'm happy.  Happy thoughts.  I smile.

Yeah, it is a brand new day.

There definitely was a higher being that oversaw events today.  Days of mild-ish anxiety culminated in finally taking N in for his surgery early this morning.  The minute we stepped into the hospital, he knew something was going to happen, and became clingy as hell.  Even in the midst of what must have been a scary situation for him, he ran and gave the ENT surgeon whom he had met on two occasions before, a big hug. The spontaneity of childhood...

I finally walked with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist (who was the most re-assuring professional I have met in a long time) into the OR with N in my arms.  I was strangely very calm, even as his anxiety had to have been on the rise.  The OR was a bustle of activity and once again, I was amazed by the professionalism, the efficiency and the attitude of the staff in there.  The last time I was blown away by that, in spite of the state that I had been in, was when N was born.  Then, I was almost in awe of the way I had been treated, and the way in which absolutely the most intense moments of my life - when my first child was born, was made as comfortable for me as was possible.  Today, I saw that same level of concern and commitment.  I can never get over how well these people do their jobs here in this country, how they make you feel like they care.  And so, I just decided to trust them to take care of N.  And I was so calm there today in the OR, as they began to administer the gas through a mask over his nose and mouth, and he began to struggle.  My only focus of the moment was to make sure he knew that I was right there with him.  I held him close even as they began to make him inhale the gas that would knock him out, which would then let them inject the anesthesia into him.  In a matter of seconds he was asleep, I gave him a quick kiss and left the OR.  Now all we had to do was wait...

An hour or so later, we saw him.  He was disoriented and crying, and once he was back in my arms, I started to calm him down.  My poor baby.  And unbelievably, in a few minutes he started to recover.  Enough to make the doctors say that we could take him home right away, instead of having to stay the night at the hospital as originally anticipated.  I am just so thankful that everything went off ok. 

Even though he's been on pain medication, he's still in considerable pain, and the offer of unlimited ice-cream seems not to be able to mitigate that.  Which is saying that he's in a LOT of pain.  And still the child is bearing it with a dignity I cannot fathom.

As always, I have so much to learn from the little guy. 

Not been looking forward to this week at all.  I know it will be tough on me, but it will be tougher on N.  In my mind, I know why this needs to be done, and that he will be better off because of it.  But how do I untie that knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  Thank God, I am not alone going through this.  And as for my baby, he's the bravest little one there ever could be, so he'll get through this just fine. :-)

Having said that, my resilience and strength as a mother will surely be tested this week.

enjoying the Potomac

Watched the Potomac in real fine form today at Great Falls.  Its almost hypnotic to watch the falls cascade down the rocks.  What was more amazing was to see the canoers make their way down the forceful falls.  For that crazy moment when they are at the tip of the falls, I watched with bated breath, super scared for what looked like a really scary, crazy descent.  And then down they came, one by one, obviously in the best physical shape ever, and god knows how much training they've had to be able to do that.  Amazing!  Standing at the vantage view point where we had the best, most gorgeous view, the watching crowd broke into cheers and applause.  In a few minutes, the people in the boats came to the edge of the rocks, got off, started to climb the rocks back to the start of the falls, to do it all over again!!  Seriously wow!

Chances

When you had the chance to do something you wanted so bad...and it slipped right through your fingers - the realization that you may not get that chance again, ever - is the hardest thing to deal with.

What was that thing they said about opportunity?  That it comes knocking or something...well, in this case, it was more like it came bearing down on an unsuspecting me, threatening to crash my world around me, and destroy my sense of balance.  And yet, in the strangest of ways, it would have lifted me up, up to that magical high place, where I always dreamed of going....

DC again

Drove into DC today.  It was a fantastic day with just the right amount of sunshine.  Could not believe how green the place is along the beautiful drive into the city.  George Washington Parkway is a treat to drive on.  And when you start approaching Georgetown with the Potomac to your left below you, the views are amazing.  Cross the Roosevelt Bridge and there you are in the heart of DC, with the Mall area looming in front of you.  Love this city.

Walking around in the sunshine, amused by all the tourists doing the touristy thing.  More amused by the folks taking the tour on Segways.  Gotta do that someday.

Watching N take in the sights and exhibits at the Natural History Museum was a delight.  Not yet three, but already a sponge for absorbing, learning.  :-)

Of ups and downs and everything in between...

Hoping for a break
The tiredness is calling

Hoping for some good news
The bad news was wrenching

Hoping for some laughter
The mind it is drowning

Hoping for a tear
The sadness is looming

Hoping for light through the darkness
Feeling low, low, low

Life is full of ups and downs.  We all know that.  Mine is no different.  Just going through a rough day, I guess.  I know tomorrow will be different.  The sun will rise.  The birds will sing.  And my sweet love will call my name with all the innocence and intent of the pure of heart.  And then I know that joy will course through my veins again. :-)

My music

Decided to bring back the old music to my life today.  Decided to train my voice again to remember how it used to perform.  When I think of the years invested in formal training, the hours of riyaaz, the sense of achievement, but more than anything else, the peace of listening to myself, the joy of singing for others and noting with satisfaction their appreciation....suddenly feel the need to get back to that.  I remember my father's words...he always said, and still does..."your voice is a gift from God.  Make the most of it"...:-) 

Anyway, switched on the shruti instrument, and as I listened to the strains of Sa-Pa-Sa....my respect for this music began to take hold once more.  And when I let my voice find the same notes, the connection was instant.

Dug up all my old lesson books.  Voice is rusty from ages of no practice.  Will take some work to open it up and get back in shape.  Am not beyond getting that done.  Not yet, anyway.

more dramatic prose...:-)

This day has wrested from her her last vestiges of patience and perseverance.  Frustration wells up inside and threatens to show up as a mood.  And she had willed herself not to let it come to this.  She had willed herself and it had worked.  Until today.  Realization dawned clear as the light of day.  Many times in life, you put way, way more into something than you get out of it.  And so it was with this.  And with that realization, there also dawned a sense of clarity that was so sharp, so poignant, so real that it almost made her smile, even with a wrenching of her heart.  Suddenly, she knew what to do.  Suddenly she knew how to make sense of it all.  Maybe this was how it was supposed to be, all, all along.

I tell myself...

...that this too shall pass.

It has to...

right?

fitness

Behaving like a gym rat these days.  Sudden inspiration from God knows where.  Of course, not a bad thing at all.  Yoga, cardio on the elliptical and treadmill, strength weights and cycling.  Went during lunch at work yesterday and got a little carried away.  When I got off the treadmill after the final bout, I realized that maybe I had overdone it a tad bit when my head was spinning for a half minute after I stopped.  Too much blood in the brain probably...:)  In any case, I was fine in a couple of minutes, and I was feeling great after that.  The rest of the day at work went remarkably well.  Except for a couple of difficult conversations with a couple of difficult people.  Hehe.  But then, nothing can get one out of those, really.  Comes with the territory.  Whateva!

pictures

Looking and sorting through all the wedding pictures.  They are so beautiful.  Almost tearing up...
Amazing pictures.  Amazing memories.  The photographers and their very expensive cameras have exceeded expectations, to say the least!

Thoughts

When something is on your mind so constantly, how do you de-focus from that and get your brain into normal functioning mode?  Perhaps you concentrate on a difficult task, so that you are forced to think of something else, and work at it.  Or perhaps, you start talking to someone to become engrossed in that, even if for a while.  Maybe you start reading something important, something interesting.  The mind is such a crazy thing.  So difficult to train it, to command it, to stop it, from thinking, thinking.....

Cake!

Am such a fan of cake.  No, seriously I am.  Was enjoying a piece of yummy, fluffy cake at work with good friend C, and we were talking about Food Network, which I'm a big fan of BTW, and baking.  She asked me if I liked to bake, and my simple answer was no.  The more appropriate answer is actually that I don't know how to.  I have never taken the trouble to try baking.  Given that I am more than a decent cook (based on general feedback now) and the fact that I don't at all mind cooking, its interesting to say the least that I don't bake often.  I know a few easy things to make, and I bake them from time to time, but its pretty sporadic at best.  Especially when I love baked stuff, desserts, and such.  And there is SUCH a variety to try.  And most of it is not even that hard, from what I can tell.  By watching FN (hehe).  I love to watch the baking shows.  So C and I were talking about watching baking shows and that how wonderful it would be if soon after watching them bake something, it would actually be delivered to our front door!  And hey, right there, isn't that a swell business idea?  How many impulsive buys would you have?  Tons, I would think. 

Anyway, I'm such a die-hard fan of cake.  Love it.  Pineapple is my all time favorite flavor. Maybe it is time to take up baking as a new hobby.  Why not, indeed?

Change

Have asked for that change at work.  Let's see what happens.  I'm the sort of person that's completely averse to change, of course of the less than positive variety.  I usually don't like it at all, and I usually take more than my fair share of time to deal with it.  In this case, however, much time has passed, and I feel I am ready for something new.  Again, no idea what things I have set in motion by initiating those conversations.  And part of me is nervous of the consequences.  But I am learning that in life, nothing is gained by sitting around and thinking about stuff.  Boy, am I learning.  Get out there and do it, if you've been wanting to.  That's what I have learnt.  Life is just too short.  Before you know it, it will have passed you by.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is, its time for a change.  And this time its been up to me to kick it off.

Wishing myself luck for things to come.  And they surely will.

So...

Have this super strong urge to write something, but I don't quite know what, and more importantly, how.

:-)

So, I guess you know what that means....more random ramblings, that will verge on boring, or worse, aggravating.

Apologies in advance.

And...

All I'm going to say is, Thank the Lord for small mercies.....

:-)

raftin down the riva

Went white water rafting with the team on the James river in Richmond yesterday.  Was good fun.  The first part verged on boring thanks to a few class II rapids on what was lowish water levels thanks to recent decrease in rains.  Most of the fun was had by cracking jokes within and across rafts - there were six of them, and splashing water with the paddles or water guns onto the other rafts.  After a point we were just floating down the river on what was actually a gorgeous day, beautiful sunshine and a serene environment...we were not even allowed to race.  People started jumping into the river and swimming around and goofing off.

Post lunch though was a different story.  We started checking out class III's and one wannabe class IV.  That was cool.  People fell, lost things, rafts got stuck on rocks, and all the usual rafting mis-adventures ensued.  Finally landed in downtown Richmond and got out of the river.

Have to say that the white water experience itself paled in comparison to Kern river, in Kern county, California.  Still, very decent time pass.  Not a bad way at all to spend a Wednesday. 

hmm

The skies are so blue...
The breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees
And brings the scent of something wonderful to me
And brings the memory of something wonderful to me

Am tired, and if I could sleep now, it would be so good
If I could dream now, it would be so good
But for now, I cannot, and yet,
In my tiredness, I smile
For the heart, it is happy
And the mind, it is at peace.

Of old friends...

To be able to pick up the phone and just call.  And just talk.  Or just vent.  Or just pour my heart out.  To not be judged.  To talk.  To listen.  To be able to put down the phone feeling tons better than before.

This is a luxury that has to be earned.  One has to be lucky to have this in life.

Thank you, my friend.  For today, and all those other conversations before.

Perspective

Every now and then, a little perspective is always a good thing.  The perspective I got today was a very good thing.  Spot on.  Given everything, given all the years, given the past, it drove the point damn straight home, I am still amazed by it.  Thank you N. 

Question is, what am I going to do with it?

What, indeed?

Words

So much to say....and yet...

Where to find the listener?

Where to find the moment?

And where, oh where...to find the words?

Home

Just over a year still makes the anticipation almost unbearable.  It is and always will be.  Home.  Was a long journey with N to get here.  Have to admit I was nervous of making the very long journey all by myself.  N exceeded all expectations and was a really good boy.  Made my life relatively as easy as a twenty two hour journey could possibly make.  Anyway, I'm here now and that's what matters.

Been a few days now, but still severly jetlagged and tired as hell.  Happy days ahead, so its all worth it.

Ah, home.  This is truly where my heart is.

This Idol thing again

Cannot believe I am hooked onto this nonsense again.  The batch seems to be better overall this time.  Down to 6 kids.  Almost sure which one will win.  Sorely, sorely missing Simon Cowell and his no-nonsense frankness.  The set of judges are useless, Jennifer Lopez included.  Steven Tyler is a hoot.  He looks bored most of the time.  Sure he will not bother next season.  Best joke was when the current season began, someone shrieked that Paula Abdul's drug problem had made her appearance really hideous.  Until someone else pointed out that that was not Paula, but Steven Tyler.  Hilarious.

Ah, the joy of engaging in such frivolousness..

Go Idol!

To Jude

Been a completely stressful day.  Cannot believe how tired I am.  Times like these, I wish I could just walk away by myself somewhere and sit down for a few minutes and do nothing.  Not think, not feel, nothing.  Just let my body and mind rest.  But for now, that feels like a luxury I cannot hope for.  For now, I have to plough on.

In the midst of it all, her gentleness feels like a soothing balm on my raw wounds.  Jude.  My yoga teacher.  She's awesome.  Her smile, her voice, instantly begin to calm me down from the second I step into the class.  I wonder at her.  At her life.  She's given up a lot to pursue yoga.  How does one do something like that.  How do you give up the rest of your life to choose this path?  I am so far from doing something like that, but I really have to wonder.  Looking at her, her sense of peace, her grace, her calmness, and I think maybe there is something to stopping, taking a really really deep breath - the Ujjayi kind, and assessing what you really want from this life.  What is important amidst the myriad priorities on your plate.  Is not peace of mind at the top?  Should it not be?  Then, should you not pursue that which will get you there...I wonder.  Especially on days like today, when exhaustion is threatening to snatch my sanity away.

Hoping for a good night's sleep.  Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Dreams

Somewhere in her dreams there is a rainbow.  And a promise of a love song.  Sung just for her.  And only for her.  Somewhere in her dreams there is that thing that makes her heart beat faster, and brings a smile to her lips.

And then she wakes up with a start.  Was that a dream?  Or another memory?  She decides it does not matter.  All that matters is that it was the lovliest feeling ever.  And for now, that will suffice.

Paying your dues

Nothing comes free in this life.  That's the bottom line.  The price of things varies, and the form of payment varies, but nothing comes free.  You have to pay your dues.  Before you expect any form of return.  Or redemption.  At work, at home, with family, friends.  In time, every facet of life demands its payment.

How often do we look around us, at other people's lives, their shenanigans on Facebook and think - hey, they have a great life.  Or at least it certainly looks that way.  How often do we think we have something that other people see on the outside and wish they had in their life.  Maybe even feel envious.  The truth though, is that you have paid your dues for what you have achieved, or have accomplished, or have created.  The pain arises when the return is still out of sight.  That is the case with almost everyone, I believe.  Certainly with my own life.  Nothing has come without having paid my dues.  Nothing has come free.  And in some cases, I am still paying.  And just hoping that redemption will come.

This is the reality of being an adult.  

Visit to the Dentist

Decidedly unpleasant experience.  Even though what I had to get done was nothing major.  I just don't like the poking and prodding.  Or the sensitivity and pain.  Even with the Novocaine.  And the anesthetic. :-).  Ok, so I am kinda pain intolerant.  Well, quite a bit.  I got a talking to, that if I had gone more often, it would have been easier.  And I was advised to go more often from now on, at least twice a year.  That seems like too much, but we'll see.  Also, looks like some teeth extraction is in my future.  Wisdom teeth at that.  Crazy.  Wonder how long I can put that off.  Four teeth have to go, and I have to be put to sleep for it.  And be driven home, and not be able to function properly for an evening.  And be in pain for a few days (knowing me, that will be quite unbearable).

Ugh.  Who has the time for all that now?

Anyway, shall decide all that later.  For now, there's happier things to look forward to.  :)

The Reader

Its happened to me more than once, that I now believe its the way to come across absolute gems without looking for one.  Random channel surfing in the relatively very little time we have to channel surf or even watch television these days, and one of those random arty-farty channels has this movie playing.

The Reader - an outstanding film.  Intense and captivating.  Set in post World War 2 Germany.  Very powerful story line.  Kate Winslet is simply outstanding in it.  I believe she won an Oscar for it.  Not surprising. 

Wonder why this movie didn't get the publicity that I think it deserves?  Or did I miss it, like so many other things?

Brilliant stuff.

Deja Vu

He was sleeping next to me, and I languished in the snugly warmth of our bodies.  He turned to face me, still fast asleep.  Then he tilted his head back, as if to check me out, and yet his eyes were closed.  And then he gave a little shake of his head, and wrinkled his nose just a wee bit, as if to say "Hmf, she'll do". And then he put his head right back on my shoulder, snuggled closer and continued to sleep.  That's when I had a most awesome deja vu moment.  He had done this two and a half years ago, on the day that he was born.  The exact same thing.  The tilt and shake of the head, the wrinkling of the nose, and the expression.  Exactly the same.  I remembered experiencing the most awesome feeling of love back then.  And I felt the very same thing again today. 

Couldn't ask for a better start to the day.

Happy Ugadi

Happy Ugadi to all.  May the new year bring you accomplishments, wisdom, and more meaningful moments with loved ones.  Above all, may it bring you more peace.

It's a HUGE day :-)))

N is a big boy now.  Weeks of collective effort (reading a couple of some really good books not withstanding) seem to be paying off.  Part of me is heart-broken that he's not my little baby any more.  But a bigger part of me is absolutely thrilled.  He's awesome. Makes me so proud.

Of course I have to make sure that the characters on the garment are either Thomas the Train or Mickey Mouse. Hehe.

Oh, yes, the book I recommend is called "Potty training your little boy".

:-)))

ToastMasters

For some strange reason, I always thought this was a silly hobby.  What's the big deal about a group of people making speeches, I used to think.  I used to do a ton of public speaking when I was in school.  That was many many years ago, dammit.  And I absolutely loved it.  And then for another strange reason, I stopped doing it in college.  Literally clammed up.  Crazy.  Realized recently that I need to hone my speaking skills, especially in front of large audiences.  Need to learn to project in the right way, exude confidence, blah blah.  And so along came Toastmasters.  Bunch of folks on the team formed the club at work and I avoided it for a year.  Again, for some unknown strange reason.  Finally joined a couple of months ago.  And I must say that I LOVE it!  Its really a whole lot of fun.  Its a very safe environment to try stuff, practise, get some good feedback and generally have fun.  You get what you put into it, so when you prepare an actual speech and deliver it and get critiqued on it, you really get something back from it.  Besides, its a fun group of folks.

Toastmasters is a really really huge organization with chapters all over the world.  Was really amazed to learn how widespread and active it is.

Doing the right thing

It is times like this that validate you being the bigger person.  Not that one should need the validation.  But c'mon, we're all only human.  And constant selflessness is a thing for saints.  And so, when it really is about the survival of the fittest, doing the "right" thing is not always foremost on the agenda.  Doing it for the sake of doing it, that is.  Until you do it.  The right thing, that is.  And suddenly the feel good factor is almost indescribable.

N's favourite reads

As of April 2011, these are N's absolutely favourite reads...

- Fun at the Farm Elmo and friends
- My Oh My Oh Dinosaur
- Special Boat
- Jungle Book
- Grover's cute little baby animals
- The Old Alligator
- Hop on Pop
- Giggle, Giggle, Quack
- I Spot
- Cat in the Hat

He's a book lover.  Can go on and on for hours.  Especially at bed time.  Have to finally drag him away to sleep.

Of checklists and endless planning

My mind is in over-drive.  Absolutely abuzz - with to-do lists, doctor appointments, tons of things at work, making and ticking off from the travel list, and yes, countdown of days....couple of weeks now before the big trip.

Days and nights seem to overlap, blend into one, as I plan furiously.  I'll admit. I'm a planner and a worry wart.  But being prepared is more than half the battle, I believe. 

I am managing to keep all my yoga appointments and classes, though.  Feels awesome.  So far, the year is on track.  Things at work are getting interesting.  JM leaving was a big blow.  Lets see what happens by and by. 

Waiting to see G and R together :)

Victory!

It certainly was euphoric.  Adrenaline pumping.  Sweet victory.  Joy!  We cheered, and so did N!!  He jumped and danced and clapped in glee.  Happy because happiness surrounded him. He's such a people person :)

Sachin's dream, they said.  How true.  Also the dream of one billion people.  Took me back to 1996 and the quarter finals between India and Pakistan.  Only reason I wasnt in the stadium with everyone else was because I had my ISC Physics exam the next day and had to "study".  Of course I spent the entire time watching the match on TV.  What joy then! 

This time though must have been more joyful and crazier (I definitely heard that it was).  Wish I had been there. 

MSD, the Man - too good!

Siddarth

I met him a couple of months ago.  I was looking for a very long time to do something in this space that is so close to my heart.  For many reasons, I feel very strongly about visually impaired people, and especially children, and how they cope and learn and function in this world.  In Bangalore, I supported and volunteered with Samarthanam for about two years.  I read, transcribed, and helped children and students with their school/college course work and preparing for exams. 

Samarthanam is a great organization with ambitious goals, and the drive and ability to meet those goals.  It was founded by three blind friends who wanted to create a better facility for children who do not have the ability to see, something the rest of us take for granted.  The main founder, Mahantesh is an incredibly guy.  I have met him several times, and blindness is a total non-issue for him.  He does not stop at anything.  He travels the world to raise funds and support for Samarthanam.  He has climbed Mt. Everest. 

When I left Bangalore and came to the US, I looked around for something similar and found the Braille Institute in Los Angeles .  I happily volunteered there for a year, although that was not with children, but with adults.  When I moved to Virginia, for a few years, I got thoroughly busy with work, life and family.  Then, when life began to settle down ever so slightly, and routine dictated predictable schedules, I started looking for options in the area.  Much to my surprise I had to search a lot, and there were none that I could find in the vicinity.  I could not travel as far as Maryland or DC, given time constraints. 

And then I found Mcnair elementary school and Kathy Miller, the teacher for visually impaired students.  She's awesome.  And she introduced me to Siddarth.  He's five years old, and he cannot see.  Never has been able to.  And I have been working with Kathy and Siddarth for the last ten weeks.  In addition to blindness, Siddarth has some other neurological issue that affects how his brain has and is developing.  Although he is five years old, he lacks the cognitive and developmental skills appropriate to a child of his age.  He cannot read or write, yet.  His speech is impaired.  He has attention issues.  And discipline issues.  The biggest reason for that is that at home, his parents have allowed him to do whatever he wants all his life.  They adjust their lives around him.  They adjust their lifestyle around him, instead of it being the other way...instead of assimilating him into their regular lives and teaching him how to cope there. 

Kathy has done a wonderful job with him for about 8 months now.  He is learning.  Very slowly, it seems like, but he is learning.  And he knows who I am and has learnt to trust me.  When I work with him, it is challenging, because he will not give his sustained attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time.  He does not have the natural curiosity of children to explore, to experiment, to learn.  He is easily bored and then that quickly leads to disruptive behavior.  It obviously takes an incredible amount of patience.  Kathy has that.  She's been doing this for thirty something years.  I wonder at the dedication.

When I see Siddarth, and how incapable he is of functioning without constant adult supervision, I experience despairing moments when I wonder how he will be able to function in this world.  Then I will myself to remember how resilient children are.  And I look at the facilities he has access to here.  And the dedication of the teachers.  And I will myself to have faith.

I will continue going to Mcnair.  Kathy and the classroom teacher are more than happy to have me help out.  I hope I can make some small difference.

Kathy asked me when I met her why I was interested in doing this.  Especially given I have so much else going on in my life.  I asked myself that also.  In the end, I think it is for several reasons.  In part, it is because I am thankful for my own family's health and wellness.  But it is also because, it is just not enough to count our blessings in this life.  What do you give for what you have?  I ask myself that every day.

My boy

He is the child who looks out for his friends.  As his teacher, she has seen him do that many times.  In fact, he is the only child in the class who does that.  When any of the kids in the class is crying, he will run upto them and give them a hug, or take a tissue for them to wipe their tears.  When a parent is dropping off their child, and the child begins to cry, he will stand by and wait tentatively.  When the parent leaves, he will give the child a big hug.  And a tissue to wipe their tears.  He is the only child that does that.

I have not seen this happen, because I'm not there when it does.  But I am so, so grateful to Agata for telling me this.

And when she did, I could not stop my own tears...if this is not pure innocence, then what is?  If this is not sensitivity, and humanity, and empathy in its most raw, pure and selfless form, then what is?

Teary-eyed as I am when I write this, my heart is swelling with joy and pride and something else that I cannot quite describe.

Values

What are the values you live by?  The ones you instinctively trust?  The ones you want to define your actions with?  These will create the purpose you need to live every day, to get that one foot in front of the other when the chips are down.  These will motivate you when you awaken each morning.  And these will give you a sense of peace, that the day was lived the way you wanted, when you go to bed each night.

For if you dont define to yourself what your values are, you have nothing.  You have no purpose, you have no spirit, you have nothing.

Taking a few moments to remind yourself of your values every now and then is the best service you can do yourself.

What are your values?  When your life has come to pass, will you be able to say you knew all along what they were, and that your life was lived by them?

What are your values?  Clarify them before its too late, before the years have rolled by, and the regrets have rolled in.

What are your values?  And how will you pass them along to what matters the most - your children?

Take a moment to think about it.

Spring

Spring is in the air.  Hard to believe from the still obstinately low temperatures, but it sure is in the air.  And on the trees.  Yes, the blossoms are surfacing, and as usual, it is amazing.  For the sixth year in a row, we drove into the Capital to see the cherry blossoms, and they did not disappoint.  The peak bloom is still a few days away, so shall see if we can do it one evening during the week.  Maybe take off from work early, pick up N and drive into DC.

Any such outing with N is still fairly stressful as he's not old enough yet to fully understand what we intent to do.  And as usual, everything has to be well planned, and in advance.  Wonder when I can go back to the days where I did not have to plan every single thing, think several hours, if not days ahead at a time.  Maybe never again. 

In any case, it was not too bad overall.  It was still cold, but we were all bundled up well, and we did manage to enjoy the sunshine, the flowers and the gorgeous views of the Tidal Basin. 

Reminded me again what a beautiful city DC is.

Countdown

Four more weeks!  Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

JM

Not taking the news that he's leaving at all well.  Sucks.  Super sucks, actually.  But this, is exactly how life is.  Unexpected and full of change.  Especially the changes that you don't want.  Ever want.  Sigh.

JM - the best thing that ever happened to me in COF.  Best thing for my career, my team, my role.  Unbelievable guy.  He's 2 years older than I am, and he's VP of Stats and DAs for all of Card.  And I know how long it takes for an average person to get to VP in Card.  The other VP's are at least ten years older than he is, if not more.  Super achiever.  But that's not why I think he's unbelievable.  He's the best people manager, leader, visionary, transformer that I have ever come across.  He oozes authenticity, and confidence.  He's the best boss one could have (well for me, boss's boss's boss).  The past three years on the team have been incredible.  At times, its been tolerable because of him.  And not just for me. 

And now he's onto his next super-star opportunity.  After twelve years at COF.  That's a third of his life.  I wish him only the very very best.  Maybe someday I will get to work for him again.  When I went to his office to say goodbye, he alluded to that.  Its a small world, he said.  Easy enough to bump into each other sometime, somewhere.  I hope that happens.  I know I will miss him.

JM, thanks (no, really) for everything.

Did it!

Really thought my student days were way way in the past.  Indeed, its been 5 years since I gave my last major exam.  Until last week.  For four days I sat through an intensive class, from 8 AM to 6 PM, and then back home.  Played with N for a bit, followed by his dinner, bath and bed time.  Then homework and practice tests for about an hour and half.  Then crashed into bed to get as much rest as possible before repeating it all over again the next day.  Fair to say I was fairly strung out towards the end.  However, I was as prepared as I could be on the morning of the 5th day, and, yes, I passed!  Got the certification, very happy to say!!

Been meaning to do this for a while, and it had taken a backseat due to more pressing priorities.  This time, though - I set the goal.  Decided to just go for it.  Got the time off from work, got COF to pay the pretty hefty fee, and found the will power to commit to doing it. 

But the most important and amazing thing that made it even possible was P and N's co-operation, support and collaboration.  I am one lucky, lucky gal.  For sure.

Antidote

What shall be the antidote to anxiety, and angst?

Shall it be your smile, and your laughter?

What shall be the antidote to fear, and doubt?

Shall it be your voice, and your words?

What shall be the antidote to restlessness, and stress?

Shall it be your happiness, and your amazing ability to live in the moment?

Yes, I rather think it shall.