remembering my days as an athlete...

I go back in time, and recall my days of being a track and field athlete in school.  I went for my first inter-school athletics competition when I was in 3rd standard (7 years old).  It was a really big deal back then.  I used to love athletics.  Continued to be heavily involved in middle and high school.  Went for countless "meets" and competitions.  Won medals here and there.  I used to run the 100 meters although 200 meters and 400 meters were my favourite races to run.  Even did long jump and dabbled with high jump (many hilarious stories there).  I used to seriously love athletics.  I spent so many hours on the school sports field, usually running, striding, and or racing other people.  People I meet now that I haven't talked to since school still ask me whether I run.  When I reached high school, my coach (and others) attempted to push me into basketball, join the school basketball team etc.  Given my success in athletics and more so, my height (I was always the tallest kid in class), they felt that that should be my forte.  I think I made some reluctant efforts at the game, and then gave up.  My true love was athletics, so back there I went.  I used to practise as hell for  meets and competitions.  I would go to school early before class time and practise.  I would stay back after classes and practise and come home late.  And a lot of this while commuting in terribly crowded BTS buses in Bangalore carrying 2-3 bags of sports gear, school bag, etc (so not fun).  How many times, I have run on the tracks at Kanteerava Stadium which was just a stone's throw-away from school.  Gosh, those were such fun days.

I remember one such occasion when I ran a particular race there, and once I had finished, and went back to the pavilion to join my team-mates, someone approached me and asked to speak to me for a few minutes.  That someone was Sunil Abraham (anyone who was an athlete in Bangalore in the early 90's will remember the husband-wife team of Sunil and Reeth Abraham of the SURE Athletics Club fame).  This was the club of all clubs for aspiring young athletes (at our level) of the day.  Professional training with the goal of becoming a professional athlete.  Sunil and Reeth were considered the Gods of athletics who were looked upon by all of us as a means to make something out of any athletic potential or aspirations kids like us had.  Their club was exclusive (and snooty too).  Only the best of the best were chosen to be trained by them.  Once you got in, you were guaranteed to come out more successful, whatever that meant for youth athletics in India.  The SURE athletes walked away with all the gold medals at all the meets. They even went to state level meets, etc, etc.  They were in a completely separate league.


Anyway, my story here is that Sunil Abraham sought me out that day in Kanteerava and asked me whether I wanted to join his club.  !!!!!  He came up to ME!  I was thrilled to the core.  Really, the fact that he had seen me run, and thought I had the potential to become a better athlete under his tutelage, and was willing to take me in,  was incredible for a thirteen year old who was fairly serious about athletics at the time.  Before I could say anything though, he went on, in rather an authoritative and no-nonsense manner, as I recall, that if I were to join his club, then I had to be very serious and committed to the time he expected me to put into training.  He went on to tell me how many hours he expected me to train per day and while I don't recall exactly what that was, it was significantly more than what I had ever put in.  He then asked me what rank I used to get for academics in school.  At that point, I started seeing where this was going, with a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I answered (pretty sure in a small-ish voice) that I used to always top my class.  At which, he bluntly said it was quite likely that with the hours he expected me to train with him, I would not be able to maintain that level of academic achievement.  I remember being just stunned standing there listening to him.  He told me to go talk to my parents, and to come back to him with an answer. 


Of course I went back to my parents with this, and of course they did what any other parent in their position would do.  They tried to talk me out of the whole thing.  To be fair, they were happy for me and all, but completely unenthusiastic about considering it seriously.  Explanations about the very questionable future of taking up sports in India, did I really think I wanted to pursue athletics full-time, wasn't it more like a hobby, did I want to give up topping my class, getting into a good college, blah blah.  The whole spiel.  I think there was some water works on my part.  And to humour me (although I do give them credit for this) they actually came back with me to talk to Sunil Abraham themselves.  They asked him questions.  He pretty much told them the same thing he told me.  No compromise on the effort I would need to put in for him.  Exams would not be an acceptable excuse.  The deal was pretty much sealed.  My parents asked me to seriously evaluate the whole thing. I wondered if I could do it all.  Be a star athlete and an academic achiever.  Surely it was possible.  But what if it was not?  I asked myself if I would be ok not doing well academically.  The answer (thankfully) was No.  And so that was that.  I kissed my dream of graduating from being an amateur athlete goodbye.  I had to be content with continuing to do things in my own way, which I did, right until I left school. I still have my certificates and medals and cups from my many exploits that I look at fondly now and then.  I think I have even kept one pair of old "spikes" (special running shoes, with nails to gain more traction on the track) for old time's sake....ah, well.....:-)

benefits of exercising

Never been surer of this than right now - exercise is the way out of physical pain and exhaustion.  And yes, it does wonders for your mental well-being as well.  Why am I obsessing about this?  Because it not only makes me look and feel good, but it is also my only antidote to actual physical stress that comes from having 16 hour (minimum) days that are non-stop, day in and day out, seven days a week.  Whether its the elliptical, or yoga, or strength training at the gym, climbing stairs instead of taking the elevator, or just simple back stretches at the end of the day, it all adds up.  Crucial as time goes by, and the years add on.  Having a strong core body relieves many if not all back issues.   Picking up and carrying around N (who is not a lightweight anymore) for a thousand things in a day becomes do-able.  Climbing flights of stairs up 6 floors every days at work without huffing and puffing becomes do-able.  And yes, fitting into those favourite pair of jeans becomes do-able. :-)
On a related note, I am inspired by people who make the time and effort to stay fit and in shape.  What I have found works is to work in groups.  Or at least with one other person.  The motivation (aka competition) factor does wonders for goal-setting.  For me, currently this is working extremely well with P and also with work pals.  In any case, fit people are more energetic and positive.  Also, you can just tell from the way they carry themselves, that they work out or are extremely active.  Whether they work out, or engage consistently in a sport, you can usually tell by looking at them.  Very sexy, in my opinion.  Another thing is that its a fantastic conversation topic. Plenty of advantages, really.  All, in all, just something I feel very strongly about today.  Hoping the motivation continues...

It's turning out to be a killer week, as I knew it would.  Not even half way through, and I am exhausted.  Sometimes I wonder why I sign up for so many things at the same time.  Or at least they seem to be converging at this same point in time.  Looking forward to next week, when the holidays officially begin, and things in general start winding down.  Also, G will be here soon! Yay!

Been one of those lazy weekends.  A rarity these days.  Managed to catch up on some much needed sleep.  Was great catching up with M.  Old friends are like old wine, of course.  Better with age.  Not that we need to be reminded about age.  We agreed over deep conversations that we certainly don't look our age.  Hehe.  We reminisced and ruminated.  We agreed and disagreed.  We even hit the keyboard and belted out a few songs. 
And now, its looking forward again.  To the coming week.  Its going to be a hectic, bordering on stressful week.  Much to prepare and take care of.  I realize I have suddenly gone into planning mode again.  More medium-to-long term stuff.  I tend to keep doing that, even though I'm usually consumed by the every day day-to-day.  I'm a planner.  It's in my wiring.  Over the years I've just learned that not everything can be planned though.  Things have a way of panning out sometimes.  And that adaptability is just as important as planning, if not more so.  I've also learned to become more spontaneous.  In that, I have found, is the real essence of life.  To not over-think things sometimes.  To do what feels right.  In the moment.  To live in the present.  The past is gone, and the future is not ours yet, they say.  To remember that, and to just live in the moment is difficult, but I have realized that it can very much be done.  And there is a certain joy, child-like almost in its intensity and ability to bring peace to the mind and soul, in just living in the present moment, however briefly.  I have to make that conscious effort at times, but it is usually well worth it.  And yes, I want to just do something if I really want to do it.  Because tomorrow, or the perfect moment may never come after all.  And at the end of the day, every one of these "real" moments are what will count, and make sense...in my heart, and in my soul.

"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could"

Cant stop thinking about this...

Hmmmmmmmmmm

harper's ferry...yes, again!

The last time, I promised we would go back, and so we did.  Was a gorgeous sixty degree sunshiny weekend, and off we went on the drive again.  Beautiful as it was the last time, the fall colors had not yet peaked.  This time, we timed it right, and it was autumn heaven.  As we drove, we didn't know where to look, which vista to take in, which mountain to gaze at.  Picture postcard landscapes all the way, right up to harper's ferry.  Once there, N was super excited to get on the bus, walk by the river, climb up the bridge, look at the trains, sit by the river eating Greek yogurt and watch the rock climbers endure the sheer facade of the mountain side, etc. etc.  This time we even climbed the hill right up to the very top from where you could see the two rivers meet, the village by the banks, and the surrounding mountains in all their glory.  The climb to the top itself was fairly steep and two minutes into it, N stops, looks at me with his puppy dog eyes, throws his arms up and says "I tired".  What!!?  I wonder whether we had to turn back at that point.  P comes to the rescue and hauls N onto his shoulders, and we start hiking up.  I'm impressed.  Made it all the way to the top, N absolutely enjoying his view from his vantage position.  So many times, he makes me wish I could be a kid again!!

Another well spent Sunday.  Added bonus that N was totally tired out, and had a good night's sleep. :-)

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth
For here you are standing there loving me, whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.


~Maria, 'The Sound of Music'

Sometimes talking with someone who knows you quite like no one else does, and can relate to what you're going through, helps put everything in a whole different perspective.  Sometimes, that phone call, even though you are a couple of continents away, is all you need to get through the current moment.  Sometimes, a girlfriend is the savior of the day.  You know who you are, thanks as always, and lots of love...

 दुनिया जिसे कहेते है, जादू का खिलौना है

मिल जाए थो मिटटी है, खो जाए थो सोना है

~ जगजीत & चित्रा  सिंह

Beautiful song, amazingly beautiful words.  Yesterday, I listened to this.  Have listened to this song since I was a child.  My mom had one of those old-fashioned record players, and in her collection used to be an album of songs by Jagjit and Chitra Singh.  I remember her feeling almost emotional listening to this song, and as a child I used to wonder why.  Now, I know.  Only as an adult, only after all the things you go through in this thing called life, would you resonate with this song.  And of course, Jagjit Singh's (may his soul rest in peace) voice takes you to a different zone altogether.

 

Time changes again.  Gain an hour this time, but it still plays some havoc with schedules, etc. especially with N.  Why do they do this to us twice a year, every year?  I understand some of the rationale behind doing it.  So now, instead of it being dark when we wake up, it gets dark by the time I'm ready to leave work.  Till the end of December night descends on us just before five-o-clock.  After that, the days start getting just a little bit longer.  Depressing.  Why not just adjust it by half an hour both times and leave it at that!!! 

In any case, I have an extra hour today, which feels like a Godsend.  Now the question is, how do I prioritize that to-do list?

Have always loved this song.  I recently discovered this slower version which is soo much better than the one with the faster beat that I get to listen to now and then.  Is the faster one by Everything but the Girl?  No matter.  This one is pretty awesome...

Step off the train, walking down your street again
Passed your door, but you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there, and now you've disappeared somewhere
Like outta space, you've found some better place

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you, oh, like the deserts miss the rain

~Sade

today

Today started out just right.  Today I got to sleep in for a bit, thanks to P.  Today was warmer than yesterday.  Today N reminded me again how lucky I am.  Today I did my riyaaz.  Today I was so productive at work.  Today I had a fantastic conversation with my boss's boss, that left me feeling so motivated about my job.  Today my yoga filled me with energy and a sense of health and well-being like it always does.  Today there was no traffic on the way back home.  Today N came running into my arms when I went to pick him up.  Today N's teacher told me (again)  that he's a really really good boy at school, and that made me oh, so proud.  Today N and I went to Trader Joe's and he was most co-operative as I shopped for all the things I needed.  Today, after I got out of the store and started walking to my car, and I realized I had two heavy bags and N to carry to the car, and was wondering how I was going to manage the whole thing, a TJ's employee saw that and came out of the store and offered to help me carry my bags to the car (how very courteous and helpful).  Today I made some amazingly yummy dinner, which even N lapped up enthusiastically.  Today, I'm so happy that the weekend is here.  Today, I feel tired, but happy.  Today was a wonderful day.

trick or treat!

My usual OCD behaviour preceded me in getting the perfect (in my opinion), even though last minute costume for N.  He was to be a triceratops. :)  Unbelievably cute costume with feet covers for the shoes as well.  All went well until I showed it to N and the minute he wrinkled his nose and shook his head, I knew I would have a battle on my hands.  No matter, I told myself.  When it came time to go outside with the other kids and trick or treat, he would get excited and oblige.  I was wrong.  We put out our pumpkin, and set out the basket of candy.  He didn't budge.  No amount of candy promises would make him relent.  He wanted to go out in his pajamas.  Finally, I looked at P with "that" look that we often exchange when we know what needs to be done without spelling it out.  P lifted N, and I forced the costume over his head.  N struggles.  P manages to hold on, and I manage within all the struggling to get N's arms and legs in the right place.  Body suit done.  N is yelling by now "I don't want! I don't want!".  Next was the hat's turn.  More struggling.  Somehow manage to slip it on and around his face and fastened it from the back.  Now N's face peeks out of a little mask with horns.  Adorable!  Finally his shoes and the feet covers with big claws over the shoes.  By this time, the protest is much, much louder.  Fake tears threaten to make their way out, if I didn't take the damn thing off.  But Mom's resolve was not to be shaken.  Out came the Elmo basket and next thing, we're out of the door, P tagging along with the camera.  It's dark outside and spooky decorations adorn the neighbourhood houses.  At this point, N's whining stops, and curiosity gets the better of him.  Off he trots to Roger's (next door neighbour) house to check out the eerie looking pumpkin with the candle glowing from inside.  His spiny dinosaur tail wags confidently behind him.  His clawy triceratops feet have turned backwards and lend an appropriately scary effect.  He is cuteness personified.  He grabs a piece of candy from the bowl by the door, and per my instruction, dunks it gleefully into Elmo.  From that point, there was no stopping my little reptile from the ancient world.  He was off running from house to house, now joined by a bunch of kids around the block in varying imaginative costumes.  "trick or treat!!!" they yelled at doors.  ooohs and aaahs greeted them everywhere.  They collected candy like nobody's business.  And they screamed with joy and fright when scary lights and effects ensued from elaborate Halloween decorations.  N was the ultimate dino.  He roared on demand.  For all the fuss he had created while I forced him into his garb, he managed to have a grand evening, and didn't want to come back home!!  One of my favorite customs from around here.  Looking forward to next year.

Not ready to face Monday at all.  In fact, I need a vacation....somewhere warm, and sunny would be nice.  Throw in the ocean and a beach with white sand, and I will be forever indebted. 

When you are finally clear and specific about what you want, you realize that positive intent, planning and effort do not at all mean that you will get it (that which you want).  Seems like nothing short of the universe has to align for your desire to even be considered.  Such is the way of life.

First ice/snow of the season.  Woke up to see cotton balls falling from the still dark sky and become little ice crystals on the ground.  N ran into our room and jumped into bed, dog and panda in tow.  And so, just like that, the 5 of us snuggled in closer under the comforter, and watched winter as it unfolded outside.

celebrating away from home...again.

The festival of lights came and went as usual without a whimper here.  Even after all this time, or perhaps because of that, the pain exists.  It's almost a wrenching feeling in the gut that cannot be explained, cannot be assuaged.   Thank God for the small  rituals that we go through at home, if nothing else, for the sake of N who needs to be exposed to this.  And thank God, really, for neighbors who had us over for fireworks, and for friends, with whom we will share a few moments, to experience the festival in our own way here.  Yes, I lit my little diyas, and they glowed resolutely in the foggy night.  More fireworks, food and fun coming up in the weekend.  Makes up for not being home, where all the real action is.

happy deepavali

Wishing everyone a very happy Deepavali.  May the festival of lights bring light, and peace and prosperity to you and your families.

just another day

Up just after the crack of dawn, which is a usual start for any day of the week, as is for this one.  All the usual morning rituals with N, and he's bouncing down the stairs already proclaiming which toy he wants to start playing with.  I set the water to boil for chai, while N and P dash out to the sidewalk to retrieve the newspaper.  N is a creature of routine and rituals.  Looks forward to doing all these little things every single day.  They come in, and the N runs excitedly into the kitchen and hands me the paper.  I thank him, he says "Welcome".  I hug him.  The next ritual is N and P taking yesterday's newspaper and going into the garage and dumping it into the recyclable trash can.  Back inside, and N is ready for his milk.  Chai for us.  Yep, another morning has begun.  These days, it is still dark when we are up and about, and we are reminded that winter is almost upon us.  We take turns playing with N and getting ready to start the work day.  N makes a perfunctory complaint about not wanting to go to school.  He feels obligated to say that each morning, even though he's only too happy to run in there and start playing with his friends.  I remind him that his friends are going to be waiting there to play with him, and that Ms Judy and Ms Geetha will take him to the playground today, and he might even possibly get to play in the sandbox.  That seems to do the trick.  The complaint is forgotten and he gets ready to eat his weekday breakfast.  I give him a choice between oatmeal and bread with ketchup.  He picks oatmeal.  We set about making it, N helping with every step.  P comes down ready to make his own oatmeal breakfast and I leave the two of them to oatmeal themselves.  I run into the basement and get on the elliptical.  twenty minutes later, I'm in the shower.  I can hear N singing ABCD downstairs.  I slip into black jeans, and a pink sweater.  A quick straightening of my hair, some foundation, a dab of light pink lipstick.  I pick out N's clothes, run down and dress him up.  He wants to take his dump truck for Show'n'share.  Shoes, jacket, more kisses and hugs.  He and P get into P's car.  I stand by the garage door and wave until the car pulls out.  Breakfast for me.  I pull my blackberry out and check my email and calendar.  Mental checklist of all the things that need to be tackled during the day.  Breakfast done.  I slip into my brown knee-length boots pulled over my black jeans.  Quick look in the mirror, I'm ready to face my day.  Jump into my car, put on my hands-free.  Call home and talk to Ma and Pa for the fifteen minute drive into work.  A pretty normal, routine, nondescript start to the day, you might say.  Yeah, maybe, but one that sets me up feeling pretty darned good!

harper's ferry

Drove out to Harper's Ferry, West Virginia yesterday.  A fabulously scenic drive into the country side and soon enough you are in the midst of the the Shenandoah mountains, and the Fall colours are simply brilliant.  Not the peak yet, I think there's at least a week or two for that, but beautiful nevertheless.  Was a fantastic day, and walking by the Shenandoah river, climbing the rocks, standing in the sunlight and looking at the colors abound on the hills was just so relaxing.  Remember hiking (on the very first trip here) up the rocks and mountains from where you can see the confluence of the Shenandoah and the Potomac.  Beautiful.  The boys had a blast, as there was plenty to do and see.  Chocolate ice cream by the little roadside cafe in the historic town was a delight in itself, as we sat on benches by the train tracks and watched at least 4 long, long trains go by.

Think we'll have to go again in 2 weeks to see the peak showing of the colours.  Reminds me of the time when we went to see that on a cold November day three years ago, when N was just 7 weeks old.  Ma was there, and I recall all of us freezing as we walked on the bridge over the river.  7 weeks! He was oh, so tiny...:)

Yesterday N didn't want to come back, predictably.  And actually, neither did I.

this and that

As the days roll on by, I pause for a microsecond and reflect:

~ Weekdays are ever so busy, but the weekends these days are even busier.  Plans get made days in advance, and the agenda is buzzing in my head already as I begin to wind down my work week.  N has an absolute blast on the weekends these days.  He's able to enjoy and participate in so many more things.  Also making sure that we maximize the last few weeks of good weather.  So, its a busy week followed by a full weekend.  I really wouldn't want it any other way.

~ I love nothing more than getting down and silly with my little boy.  He's just one big goof.  And he thrives on us getting goofy and silly with him.  There is something so natural, so therapeutic about childhood's innocence.

~ I refuse to give in to negativity.  No matter how compelling the argument, or influential the force. :-)

~ You live and you learn.  You recognize toxic relationships for exactly that, and you throw them out of your consideration set.  Tied inextricably to above point on negativity.

~ I realize that deep, deep down, I still feel the same way.  Nothing there has changed.  But the thing is, it doesn't have to.

~ It is inherent in me to be a perfectionist, but fairly critical in life is to be able to take the 80/20 approach with some things.  Again, you live and you learn.

~ P asked me how I managed to stay on top of every single thing concerning N.  I will not miss/forget even a single detail of a million things that go on and need to happen regarding his schedule, etc.  I guess its because no matter what else happens, or goes on, I refuse to compromise where N is concerned.  That's my job.

~ Missing those I love, and who are not with me.  Hope to see them again, and soon.

~ Having a sense of purpose about something is all it takes, really.  You realize that your life and time are worth so much.

Yesterday, was one of those days, sigh....and today? Well, today we shall see....

Terrific Threes??

What I'm discovering about three year olds...

~ I was stressed silly by folks who have kids three years and older that kids go through the "terrible two's" and simply enter the "horrible threes".  I could not imagine the terrible-ness getting any terribler, and hence the stress, BUT, what do you know - my three year old has decided (at least for now) that he will not trod the trodden path.  He is indeed turning into a darling little delight.  Gone are the tantrums, the without-rhyme-nor-reason fits of "whatever you say, the answer is No"...:-). What are my chances of this lasting?

~ A three year old's mind is a veritable sponge.  It will absorb anything and everything you put in front of it.  Lap it up.  Store it away.  Bring it up later.  Hold you to it.

~ It is possible (finally!) to reason with a three year old.  Language is such a powerful tool.  You can use it to explain.  The three year old's vocabulary and understanding of the world around him is exponentially incremental to a two year old's, and it is possible to explain to him for instance why you will not give him a cookie before dinner. Of course he will buy whatever explanation you give him.

~ A three year old gets the concept of "later".  Amazingly, a two year old does not.

~ You need to say a new word once, and he will hear it and imitate it almost exactly.  And so, you better watch what you say when he's within earshot.

~ The sense of independence is so much, much more than before.  "Mamma, I do it"  is a phrase that repeats itself over and over again.

~ A three year old is prone to peer pressure.  He does not want to be left out of something the group is doing.  He wants to fit in.  Even if it is outside his comfort zone.  Amazing.

~ A three year old's brain will figure out cause and effect.  Often, by you helping to explain it, but many times, by observation, and by trial and error.

~ A three year old's attention span is now several minutes at a time, instead of several seconds as was the case previously.  :-)

~ A three year old (at least mine) is a social animal.  He wants to engage with people, and is curious to interact with them.  Gone is the baby-hood stranger anxiety.  Now even strangers are potential friends.  That means I have to start figuring out how to drill it into him to beware of just that.

~ And finally, yes, finally, the much awaited, much dreaded "Why" phase has begun.  Lord have mercy. :-))

That feeling of complete rest.  For the mind and body.  After what has been ages (what's it been - a year? no, more than that), sleep through the night has been possible, and looks like it might, just might be here to stay.  Had forgotten what that felt like.  Welcome back, life. :-)

Sometimes I guess it takes a brush with a real mishap to see the light.  Luck was on my side this time.  Shaken, but stirred?  Yes, I think so.  Here's to resolving to filter out all the noise, and focusing on what needs to be done.

Fall

Yes, it is that time of the year.  It's when all the deciduous trees in this region (sweeping the entire east coast), stop making chlorophyll in the foliage, which results in setting the trees on visual fire - reds, oranges and yellows.  It has started, and with that, my heart has started soaring.  I don't know what it is about this phenomenon that I find completely uplifting.  The weather is perfect - we're in between the extremes of summer and winter, the crispiness in the air and the visual treat of the trees make for an incredibly exciting combination.  Just happy and thankful for being here and being able to experience this every year...

Of Reading and watching macho men take out the bad guys

* Reading a book called "What Women Want" by Paco Underhill.  Ok, it's not that kind of book, so do stop.  It's about the marketplace, specifically the Western (read American) marketplace and ecosystem and how it has evolved with the new and powerful role women are playing in decision making in every facet of life, and how you, as a business person, or a CEO, or a marketer, or a seller had better adapt to this new reality, or else you are simply alienating and losing a majority of your potential customer base, etc. etc.  The book is not really saying anything that other people are not saying, or that you don't know or hear about already, but I picked it up to see how the argument would be framed.  So far, its been just about okay.  Still half way through the book, but does not look right now like there is going to be a wow factor in this anywhere.  I already have another book that I had wanted to read, so it will be a struggle to not start reading that one before I wade through the rest of this one.  However, I don't like to not finish books that I start reading, so we will see.

* Watching a little more of TV these days.  Mostly flicks on Netflix, and some shows on Demand (one of the best inventions ever, ever).  The Social Network was a really good movie.  Loved all the characterizations.  The plight of the Winklevoss twins (as dreamy as they look - both the onscreen and off screen versions!), was a little sad and hilarious at the same time.  Do I really feel Zuckerberg is a bad guy? I don't think so.  Feel sorry for his roomie and friend who got conned out of his share of FB, but if the "undisclosed" settlement was in the fair zone, that's all right then, to some extent.  Latest addiction is a show called Strike Back on HBO, that we're watching on demand.  Total masala bond-style action non-sense.  But they have done a great job of keeping it alive and interesting and gripping even.  Crazy.  Nothing but macho testosterone on display most of the time, and normally I would not even have attempted to watch it, if not for P's insistence (God knows where he got to know of it from).  But a few minutes into the first episode, and the bond-like style becomes obvious.  And I will say it - I am a James Bond fan.  And a Jason Bourne fan.  Yes, okay - I like macho men take out the bad guys with incredible panache and style and have a romantic, sensitive side to them and be good looking and display a lot of muscle, all in a crazy plot with plenty of twists with the bad guys being really bad, and a fair share of heated scenes where the above mentioned romantic/sensitive side is on uninhibited display. :)
Ok, fine.  I guess I'm only looking for mindless TV viewing for a few minutes a week.  Whatever.  I'm hooked.
Also enjoying the new Two-and-a-half Men.  When I heard they had killed off Charlie Sheen and got Ashton Kutcher to replace him, I was  virtually disgusted and feeling sorry for the network who had had an amazingly successful run with the previous version.  Then I somehow decided to sit through the first episode, and by golly, it worked!  It was actually funny.  Ashton for once was extremely tolerable.  And despite Sheen's absence, the plot was getting pulled together around the new theme.  Pretty cool.  These guys took a bet, and looks like it is paying off.  Kudos to them.  Charlie Sheen is the real loser in this whole thing.  And while on the topic, has to be said that the other NBC hit "The Office" has really disappointed me with the new replacement.  Yes, Will Ferrel (I absolutely loathe the guy) does NOT replace Steve Carell AT ALL well.  I used to really like The Office and Steve in it and the new version is just crap.  Sad, really.

The Legacy of Jobs

As the world wonders what will happen to the company that this man has left behind, I take a moment to reflect on the legacy he has left behind.  There are few words to describe it adequately.  Hours after the news of the passing of this visionary, I watched a documentary clip on CNN that showed Steve Jobs in 1984, unveiling the Macintosh, which, for the first time ever, showed human beings how to view graphics on a computer screen, and that it was possible to have computing power in an "elegant" little box that you could carry around, instead of on impossibly huge and clunky mainframe type device.  Couldn't help smiling when I saw the Mac, think typical 80's style boxy style computer....a ridiculously far cry from what Apple has come up with in the last few years.  But how apt, that it was Jobs who revolutionized computers and the idea of computing devices even back in 1984.  There he was, not yet thirty years old, young and fit, head full of hair, radiating energy and that creative spark which we have all seen so well time and again in the last decade.

No doubt Apple has some of the world's smartest engineers and marketers.  No doubt the day-to-day operations are conducted by unbelievably talented and hard working folks who have helped make Apple the success it is today.  Yet, it can be argued that this man singularly made the company into the icon of the century in the last couple of decades.  One reads about all the criticism he has received as a CEO, as a billionaire, as a legend, as a man, even...and one realizes that even icons cannot and will not be perfect.  However, the one thing Steve Jobs has done probably better than anyone else one can think of in the last several decades is having created this legacy of Apple.  The Mac, the iPod, the iPhone, iTunes, iPad...just amazing.  Yes, this man has overcome doubts of giants like Microsoft eating Apple for lunch, overcome speculations of competitors chopping market share in no time, and banished altogether the notion that it is impossible for a single brand to consume sweeping sections of the world's population in cult-like fashion.

What more would he have achieved if he was given more time, and health?  And how will his successor begin to fill his shoes?  What expectations can the heart-broken fans have from this company going forward?  Time will tell.  For now, one can only be in awe of the man who chased his dream, and made it come true.

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs.

Waves

She stood by the edge of the waves, the wind blowing in her hair, the smell of the ocean filling her senses.  She felt her feet sink into the sand as the waves receded and tried to pull her along with them.  Pull her back into the waves, into the expanse of water, to the past, to a place deep and dark, filled with secrets and wonders beyond her wildest, most exotic dreams.  She wished she could go where the waves beckoned, to that place filled with excruciating promise.  She stood there, the wind stinging her face, her eyes.  She could feel the moisture in her eyes.  She could taste the salt as the drops rolled onto her quivering lips.  Was that from the ocean, or was that from deep inside her, she wasn't sure.  As she stood there, strangely calmed by the crashing waves and the roaring wind, she thought of another time, and another place, when her mind was young, her heart sang with joy, and her soul reveled in the carefreeness that was her spirit.  How she wished time would morph into the past, and she could be there in 'that' moment once more.  Just once more, her soul begged.  So that she might know what fulfillment meant....again.

Adam Sandler and Elmo

Yes, I know.  Unfathomable combination.  But you know what?  I actually like it.  Perhaps for the very first time (and likely the only time), I like what Adam Sandler does here.  Usually, I see his face and hear his raspy voice, and get instantly put off.  But not here. :)
Guess the magic is Elmo, then.  Has to be. :)
Thanks to N for the introduction.  And has to be said, Sandler does have a certain talent for singing.  Maybe he should stick to this genre.  :-D

Of Manglorean oota

Often, I am amazed by my preferences for South Indian food.  To be more precise, Manglorean food.  I am actually a quintessential foodie.  I love variety, and I love different foods from all over India and all over the world, as long as there's nothing in there that ever lived, moved, and/or had organs.  Growing up, I was the sibling that never ever fussed about food.  I used to eat everything, and still do - although, now I am a lot more conscious about the health factor in the food I eat.  Like I said, I love variety, and eating the same thing for more than a couple of days is not palatable (if I may use the pun) to my sensibilities.  I guess it is providence then, that I married a man who is almost exactly the same in this respect, and is a great cook to boot.  And, years ago, when I migrated to this country, and was far from home, and from my mom's amazing food, I was forced to adapt.  Forced to learn, recipes diligently passed on from Mom, but also some amazingly fun experimentation of my own.  Years of practice mean that I am far far from being a novice now, and believe I can give any half decent cook a run for their money.  Anyway, back to the thing that amazes me - be it my own cooking, or food from elsewhere, soul food to me is south Indian fare.  And if that includes cuisine from Mangalore, then sheer joy abounds.  All the recipes I know of are from Mom, and I have learnt to replicate them almost perfectly (though not quite - hers still taste better).  The variety of things you can make with Manglorean cuisine is mind-boggling.  So many things can be made out of almost everything.  The number of things using coconut for example are so numerous, someone other than a Manglorean who might know that coconut = chutney for idlis/dosas would be astounded.  Anyway, I think its in some gene that I carry around (hoping I've passed that on to N!).  Its in my blood.  My heart.  Kairasa, Menaskai, Besida Maavinkai gojju, Masale huli, Uddin hittu, theek roti (biscuit rotti), Thambuli, Majjige huli, Shaamige, Pathrode, Kai holige, Gatti, and the list goes on..(and each of these has numerous unique variations depending on how you change up the ingredients).....ok, my mouth is watering just thinking of some of these.
Give me one or more of these, and you give me pure, unadulterated happiness....

Life, some more

Do you sometimes have that feeling of time running out?  Do you sometimes will yourself to not get stressed despite the fact that people around you seem to be doing the things they do everyday, and each day comes and goes with all the usual things happening, and the world is going round and round, as usual, and that on any given day, if you took a snapshot of that day, it would look like the snapshot of any other day, and so the "stills" indicate that everything is going on as BAU....but....these very things mean that time is the one thing that is not standing still.  And time is moving so quickly, that often times, you pause from all the million things you are doing and yet have to get done, and you realize, that a huge amount of time has actually gone by...and in that micro-second of luxury that you have allowed yourself to actually pause and reflect, you look back at the time that has gone by, and you count and you recount all the things that you did and that happened, and you wonder at some of them, and you despair at some of them....you laugh at some of them, and you cry thinking of some of them, and you marvel at all that has gone by, and you marvel still, at the things that should have happened, and the things that could have happened, and the things that you should have made happen, but you didn't...because, well, you just didn't.....and that's when you start having a sense of anxiety about whether you will ever make those things happen.  Because time is running out...and you are so far behind on the things that need to happen now, and tomorrow, and the day after....that you know only too well, that it will be a whole while before you can actually get to that thing that you want to make happen...so....even though you know time is not on your side, you resolve to plough on....because, really, that is all you can do for now.  Because, somewhere, in the deep recesses of your heart, you know that if something were really, really meant to happen, it will.

Life

Today's Verities
~ Everyone has something to teach you.
~ Nothing is worth more than cherishing the ones who are important to you
~ Taking the time and trouble to do something nice for someone is completely worth it after the fact
~ You are in control of your life.  You just need to decide that you are, and the discipline to be in control

Today's Fallacies
~ What goes around comes around
~ Positive intent is good enough
~ Some things come without trade-offs
~ Everything will eventually pass.  This too...

Super Sad True Love Story

~ Gary Shteyngart

Overall I enjoyed this book.  As I picked it up and started reading, I realized this was a fiction after what has been a spate of non-fiction reads for me in the recent past.  Somewhat curious then, that this should be the fiction read that I happen to pick up.  But never mind that, as I started enjoying what seemed to be a different story line and premise.  The story is set in the future, where society and social media have morphed exponentially from what we know them to be today.  America is facing unprecedented decline.  Predictable, China is the new super power, etc. etc.  The interesting thing is that human beings (especially the protagonist in the tale) are still human at every level, and things like falling in love are still poignant and human and emotional and touching.  The story moved along forward putting me the reader at ease with the futuristic concepts because tying everything together was the human factor, etc.  I found the concept of life extension, or striving to live forever, amusing and slightly disconcerting at the same time.  Illustrated well, I must say.  I was curious and interested in seeing how everything would be tied together in the end.

Alas, the end however, disappointed.  The story had every potential for making the conclusion really stick in the reader's mind.  However, everything became so predictable towards the last couple of chapters.  I wonder what happens with these authors who have a good thing going, the story has all the potential to be great, the build up is terrific, and then poof - deflation.  What is it?  How can the imagination just run out of steam when it matters?  Don't get it.

I have to say that its still a different kind of story.  I enjoyed the glimpse of a potential future for human-kind.  I like the humour, and the human-ness of the characters.  I enjoyed the illustration of the concept of extending human life.  I actually liked the language - even though it was on the edge often.  I liked the emotions the lead character describes.  I just didn't like the end of story.

September...

* The birthday party was fun, fun, fun...they are all babies no more :(
* Work has become oh so busy...a good thing for sure.  But wondering what the thresh hold is for stress to set in
* Striving as usual for balance...physically, emotionally and spiritually....good news is that I have made a ton of headway.  The journey continues...
* This month I counted many blessings....I am lucky
* My baby is a big boy now.  Talks non-stop.  The entertainment index has gone through the roof.  The things he comes up with are unbelievable.  PB said it right when she recently said that boys are hilariously cute at this age.  Girls at this age are all cutesy-cutesy.  But boys are downright hilarious.  The things that come out of a boy's mouth can have you rolling on the floor laughing.  It's true. :-D
* Yoga continues to keep me grounded.
* Am pleased with all that I have been able to read recently.  Looking for my next book now.  Recommendations?
* And finally, my annual favourite statement to make - Fall is in the air. :-)

decisions

How much more peace now that the decision has been made.  Makes me wonder why it even took so long.  I guess life works at a completely different pace for everyone.  You have to make your choices and your decisions in your own sweet time.  You have to come to terms with those choices in your own way.  And you have to make peace with what you have decided, in your own mind, and heart...only in the way it makes sense to you, and no one else.  That is the only way to do it right.  For you.

Three!

Three years of amazement.  Of sleepless nights.  Of first moments.  First steps.  First words.  Of ups and downs.  Of laughter and joy.  Of exhaustion and doubt.  Of guilt.  Of unending fun.  Of responsibility like never before.  Of sacrifices.  Of tears of happiness.  Of unending smiles.  Of innocence.  Of seeing yourself in his eyes.  Of love, way more than you thought you were capable of.  Of realizations that there is way more to come...

Happy third birthday to my sweet little boy.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...
~Adele

home improvement

Engaged in a spate of home improvement projects today.  Took turns with keeping N engaged, while we blasted through a list of things I had kept aside to be done.  Shelves hung, some of my nick knacks have a new home.  Pictures hung up.  Bulletin board for N's art-work.  Pictures moved around.  Big art piece up on the living room wall.  Thinking of painting the fireplace wall.  Will be a nice accent in the room.  Should be easy to do.  P finishing up the tiling project in the basement bathroom.  I absolutely love, love, love decorating my home.  I take pride in the subtle, yet sophisticated (in my humble opinion) taste and theme running through the whole house.  In spite of being toddler friendly.  You just have to be creative and a parent at the same time.  Can totally be done.  Changing things up every now and then keeps the place alive, fresh and feeling like home.  A place you always love coming back to.

Of dreams....or nightmares...

I knew I had a raging headache even as I slept.  I could feel the throbbing pain even as I was desperate and asleep and knew I had to wake up first to even do something about it, like get a drink of water, or some pain medication.  It happens to me from time to time, and I absolutely hate it.

What made the bad headache really really worse was the dream that accompanied it.  Its been 4 hours since I awoke from that dream, and I still remember it vividly.  The dream specifically - I've gone back in time.  The scene is that we (my old Cottons gang) are done with school and it is time to apply to get into PUC/11th standard.  There are only a few coveted schools/colleges we want to get into, and each of them has a deadline for applications to be submitted.  Don't know where that came from, that was not the way it actually worked all those years ago, from what I remembered.  Anyway, the exact moment that I recall is that (in the dream), I find out that all my friends have been accepted into the colleges that they wanted, and I have not even started the application submission process, and the deadline is up!!!!  What the hell!!?????  I exactly recall the stress of this realization in the dream, and how it made me feel - physically, my brain pounded away inside my skull with migraine-like quality.  Unbelievable.  The scenario was long and drawn out, and seemed to play on endlessly.  Me running around helter-skelter among a sea of students milling around different college campuses, discussing this course and that.  My friends talking about their applications and the interview process.  Me wondering tearfully how they never even told me about what they were doing so that I might have done the same.  Me despairing that all the deadlines were up and I had nowhere to go.  My future, my life, my everything completely at stake here.  Godddd!!!!

Thankfully, Nayan's wake up call jolted me from a really painful state.  My head was pounding as I went to pick him up from his room, and for several moments, I felt dizzy and dis-oriented from the pain and the dream itself.  And then relief washed all over me, as I realized I was awake.  And not in 11th standard, and without a college to go to. :-)

Made me wonder like hell what that was all about, and what kind of dream this was.  And what the hell did it mean??? So random......or.....was it?  I told P and laughed about it.  And P, in all his wisdom, pointed out that it could, just could, have something to do with the other issue in my life that I am currently dealing with.  The one that I keep referring to as the issue with the deadline, and how I am building up stress around that.  Of course, that is what it must be!!!  So funny, actually.  Not strange now that I think about it.  That's exactly how the stress of the actual issue has manifested itself into this weird dream.  Crazy!  But totally amazing how the mind works...I feel this could almost be a nice case study on dreams. :-)

brothers in arms

Timeless.  Soul-stirring.  Goose bumps.  Every time I hear it.  A classic.  Sung by one of the best that there ever was.

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be

Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

An earthquake and a hurricane in the same week.  Not bad for a small state quite unfamiliar with both.

Indian Summer

~ Alex Von Tunzelmann

Really liked this book.  Amazingly well researched.  If you're a history buff, which I am to a fair extent, and if, further, you are interested in the topic of the British Raj, Indian independence movement, etc., which I am to a very large extent, then this book is a treasure.  Superbly rich with details, yet told in a story like fashion with plenty of humour.  Unbelievable details of events/people that led up to independence, and partition.  Most of this was so not told to us in our high school history lessons.  Talk about distorting historical facts conveniently.  Some of the details I really wonder about in this book.  Did they really happen that way?  The entire book is heavily foot-noted, so the research is apparent, the bibliography transparent.  So I want to believe none of this is possibly cooked up.  Makes you re-think the whole memory you have of what you learnt about the British rule, and the freedom movement, and more so of the freedom fighters.

The key players in the book- Lord Mountbatten, Edwina Mountbatten, Nehru and Gandhi.  We all knew Gandhi was eccentric, but the details in this book bring them out at a whole new level.  He was most ineffective on the most important issues through the course of the most important couple of decades of the movement.  Ideological, yes.  Spiritual, of course.  Guru to a sweeping majority of the nation, yes.  But completely ineffective as a leader of the actual independence movement.

So much detail about the Mountbattens, and their completely intertwined destiny with India.  Details of Dickie Mountbatten's obsession with grandeur and importance is brought out in the most humorous way.  And the whole relationship between Edwina and Nehru is described in the most beautiful way.  Theirs truly sounds like a love bound by the soul, something eternal.  And to read the bare facts of issues like Kashmir.  What happened to lead to how things are today, and events and people that shaped such a major destiny for India's future.  The dreadfulness of the events leading up to and following partition.. Eye-opening in many cases.  Also includes some really nice photographs.

Great book.  Considering its the author's first one, I am quite impressed.

How strange is it that on the same day, in completely separate and totally unrelated conversations, unbeknown to each other, oblivious to my interaction with each other, P and H told me the exact same thing.  They made the exact same point, and called out the exact same thing.  uhhh, strange.  But how significant is that, now...yep, much for me to think about...

Touched base with my dear, dear H today after aaaaaaaaaaaaaages.  Was soooo good, and reminded me again how much I missed you, crazy H!!

Am smiling right now, and suspect I will for the rest of the day....:-)

God, I have so, so much to learn....damn, I better get started.

my investment

There are many times when I feel on the older side of the time continuum.  To be fair, I am not a defeatist, nor do I feel old and worn out.  I'm usually fairly full of energy and always have a long list of things to do, always look to the future, always plan what's next, how best to use my time, what's the next thing I want to accomplish, etc. etc.  I am usually not happy resting on something that I have achieved, I am constantly looking to see what "else" I need to get done.  A nice side effect of this is that I seldom feel my years. :-).  Ok, I'm not that old anyway, but I do look at the facts, and I see that quite a few years have gone by.  There are times, when I look back at the years and wonder where the time has gone.  There are so many things that I will never ever do again, simply because they are not age appropriate anymore.  So many things are in my past now, and I can only re-live them in my memories.  Which is fine, for the most part.  Except that, at a very human level, sometimes, there is that longing to be really young again.  For those truly were the best days of my life (isn't it true for most people?).  My childhood, my teenage years, college days, my twenties....I have lived my life through these years, with all the usual ups and downs...and here I am now, with no way of going back.....except....through N.  And so it hits me, like a most refreshing feeling, that I now will get to re-live everything through him.  He is my legacy.  He is my future.  He is the investment I make now so that life might come a full, full circle.

I count my blessings, and put him at the very top of that list.

In all seriousness, I ask myself - do I quit while I am ahead?

How in heaven's name do I help myself answer that question....?

suddenly I see

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what i wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower yeah
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This Is what i wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

storm

The sun had completely disappeared, and dark, ominous clouds loomed low and gray, filled with the promise of something exciting, something terrifying.  She braved her way through the back-up of traffic leading up to the freeway, jostling for road space among the rest of the populace eager to make their way home before the storm hit.  On the freeway, she hit the accelerator just a little harder than usual, a mild anxiety forming unwittingly in the pit of her stomach.  There was a stillness in the air.  Not a leaf moved on the trees.  Not a breeze blew in the air.  As she sped along, suddenly out of nowhere, there was a huge, angry flash of light seemingly right in front of her.  Her heart missed a beat.  It was large, it was angry, it was terrifying.  The flash of light illuminated the darkness that had descended like a scene from some sci-fi movie.  For a second, time seemed to stand still.  In the next instant, there was a heart-stopping, deafening roar ripping through the blackness that was sky.  It was so loud, the earth shuddered uncontrollably.  And sure enough, in the very next instant, the now sheer black sky was ripped open by another humongous flash of white, hot light, and the heavens spilled their heaving bounty onto the reeling earth.

The knot in her stomach tightened as she ploughed through the deluge.  Her face was tight with the tension of concentration.  The wipers were on full blast, and yet there were just microseconds of visibility in the almost unbelievable scene that was unfolding around her.  Suddenly there added to the stress the possibility of random people slowing down their vehicles on the freeway.  The worst possible thing to do on a freeway is to suddenly slow down when you are absolutely unsure of what speed the rest of the vehicles are moving at.  And, as if to purposely distract from the task of figuring that out, the heavens continued the incredible sound and light show in a manner that made it impossible to not watch in wide-eyed wonder.

So huge a thing is nature.  So small a thing was she.  For the entire time that the skies unleashed their insides onto the unsuspecting earth, she was captivated, in that excited, terrified way...watching helplessly as the scene morphed from one spectacular show to the next.

Much later, the air was still once more.  This time, the sun had returned from its hiatus.  The black clouds were a thing of the past.  The sky was blue once more.  The earth was wet, and green and quenched.  She marveled at the whole episode.  She smiled at the memory of minutes ago.  At how she had been uncertain of how to deal with a multitude of potential eventualities in such a situation.  At how fragile we all really are, in the larger scheme of things.  At how, despite the magnitude of the storm, it had actually been exciting to watch.  And suddenly, right there in front of her, as if to make up for any inconvenience it might have caused moments before, the heavens put forth a most delightful, a most wonderful little gift to the earth, to us mere mortals....a single, huge, multi-coloured rainbow....touching the earth here....extending to way beyond the sky there...and, watching this sight of beauty, her breath caught in her chest once more.

today's random musings

I pause and reflect.  I wonder how after all this time, it has come to this.  Maybe it was inevitable.  I give credit where credit is due.  I wonder how I am ever going to make that all important decision.  I agonize endlessly over it.  I realize time is running out.  Will it even matter years from now, I wonder.  What really is the most important thing here...as I agonize about where I am doing the right thing, I take a brief moment to be thankful.  I call home and talk to Ma and Pa.  And I am instantly calmed.  N and I are goofing off in the evening, and I ask him if he loves Mamma.  He gives me his usual naughty smile in answer, because he knows I want him to say yes, and he teases me by saying anything but that.  I thought he would continue playing, and suddenly he says he loves Jajja and Momma and G Maama and R Athe...just like that.  My heart constricts, and I miss all of them all over again.  To think that the child misses them as well is nothing short of wrenching.  I was told Life is like that when I brought something up.  Just like that, that has become an explanation.  For everything.  Well, whatever.  I shake my head gravely.  Illusions have a darned funny way of playing with the mind.  N teaches me more about love everyday.  P teaches me patience.  My friends teach me endurance.  We are all enduring different things in this life.  When I see some of them suffering, my own anxiety about this or that pales a little bit in comparison.  I reach out.  To touch their life a little bit, just like they touch mine.  Everyday.  In the end, I look at all these relationships.  In the end, that is what is going to endure us.  And redeem us.  I am certain of it.

kaisi hai yeh rut

Strolling down memory lane....this movie, this song....the time, 2001 I think it was.  I was young, and crazy, and the very embodiment of the characters in this oh, so popular movie.  Seemed like the movie was made for us, of us and by us...in any case, I had fallen in love with this song then.  And that didn't happen often with Bollywood songs in general.  But this one was something else. 

Don't know why I remembered this song today.  Looked specifically for it on YouTube and the nostalgia came pouring back in.  I'm still smiling...although, with the memories there is now a twinge of something else - what is it? regret? something more than just nostalgia...where have the years gone? sigh...

The lyrics are beautiful....and so is the song.

Black Swan

Finally, finally saw this movie.  And uh, what do I say?  Felt incredibly slow moving in the beginning, and a little weird.  Am usually up for something different, even intense in a movie, and I guess at any other time, this might have qualified nicely.  But am in a slightly sensitive frame of mind these days (heh), and somehow this ended up rubbing a raw nerve somewhere.  Have to admit that Natalie Portman has acted incredibly well.  Deserving of the academy award.  The movie itself started reminding me of Jack Nicholson and The Shining about thirty minutes into it....*shudder*.  Yep, not my favourite genre.  In general, I'm not a fan of horror, although pure horror is ridiculous.  Don't believe in ghosts, and other such crap.  However, the psychopath/sociopath is a very real fear for me.  And it can be spine chilling in a well made movie.  Again, *shudder*.

In any case, was a decent watch.  Portman was really very good.  Amazed at the ubiquitous token-mostly-with-negative-undertones roles that Mila Kunis seems to be playing all over the place.  Could be wrong though, because I simply never watch as nearly the number of movies that I used to, and probably should be...

As the movie started getting progressively more disturbing towards the end, all I was glad about was that I wasn't going to bed alone....:-)

out on a farm again

Raspberry picking this time at Wegmeyer farms in one of the most picturesque parts of Virginia.  N had a blast again (he had been told we were doing this and was waiting for days), and I am happy that he sees that fruit comes from plants growing from the soil and not from the grocery store.  He braved little thorns on the bushes and picked two pints of raspberries which I was forced to buy.  Now I have to figure out what to do with them all.  Maybe its cobbler time again.  They are really quite good raspberries.  You can taste the freshness that you simply don't get when you buy from the store.

It was seriously so peaceful there on the farms.  It had just drizzled, and the sun was playing peekaboo from behind the clouds.  The lushness and greenery filled me with a sense of calmness that I desperately needed.  There were hardly any crowds, maybe we were nice and early.  The Gold Heart Sisters, a sweet little band of four sisters and one token brother were actually playing their music under a little tent.  How delightful.  Of course, N got treated to a raspberry sundae and we sat of benches of haystacks and listened to the very nice music while enjoying the sundae.  Once N was done, he and a few other kids began dancing to the music and every time they finished a song, he would run up to them and clap and clap, much to their amusement.  He's turning into a real crowd pleaser.  Back home now, and I am scouting the Internet for things to make using raspberries...

my yoga

Nothing fills me with more peace than my yoga practice.  With every stretch, every pranayama breath, and with every asana, I bow to the light within me and the light around me.  It truly opens the heart and the mind, and lets nothing but peace and tranquility flow in, no matter what else is going on.

name change

Apologize in advance for the name change.  I'm hoping you have reached out to me by now and I have told you what the renamed version of this space is.  And hopefully you will continue to be an audience.

Been wanting to do that for a while now.  Changing the name, that is.  And this phrase has always been one of my favourites.  Heard it when I was a kid, and I remember wondering what it meant.

"If ifs and buts were pots and pans....there'd be no need for tinkers."  How awesome is that!!

Another version I read recently:  If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a very merry Christmas.  That sounds more American, but I like the first one better.  Very British sounding.  Love it.

I remember smiling and joking with someone at the time about the meaning of the proverb and how funny and cute at the same time it sounded.  And now, so many years later, I think how appropriate it is to our continued propensity in life to think how else something could be or should be, because our current reality is something different, and how pointless it is anyway....because if you really want to and have to change your current reality, then go change it!  And stop pontificating about tinkers...:-).  Or, to rephrase the American version: if all the reasons we come up with for why we can't do something were party foods instead of words, we could have a really great party.

Absolutely love it.  Cannot think of a better name for this page.  And yes, it rolls off the tongue oh, so nicely. :-)

wise words from a smart kid

There's always going to be someone who makes more money than you, who's better at basketball than you, or who climbs the corporate ladder faster than you.  There's only so much you should choose to stress about these things.  Each of us has our unique place in the Universe to do what we are meant to do.  We should choose to make our peace with that, and choose to find happiness in the things that we do have and the things that surround us.  Right? :-)

So said GF to me today, the really smart guy I hired a few months ago, the kid who has proven himself in the short span of time he's been on the team, with his nerdiness, geekiness, soft-spokenness and amazing ability to grasp new stuff and get right down to business.  The guy I'm going to promote in a few months, even though he doesn't know it yet.  Yes, he has youth on his side to support all his general optimism.  But he also has a wisdom I'm discovering, and a propensity to be positive about everything.  I learn something from every conversation.  Definitely one of the upsides of my job.

The debt debate

Disgusted at the delay/uncertainty/anxiety being created by the GOP throwing a wrench into the work being done to raise the US debt ceiling.  If this thing fails, God knows what is going to happen to the world economy.  As precarious as the economic eco-system is right now, it is going to spell nothing but disaster if those idiots don't realize it and stop acting like idiots for once.  The sheer idiocy of the whole thing amazes me.  Was discussing this with P today and I said how its possible for educated and rational people to be making the kind of argument they (the republicans) are making.  P pointed out that the most obstinate ones among them aren't.  Educated and rational, that is.  And that is quite possibly the problem here. They seem to be taking pleasure in holding the country (and in turn the world) hostage to their version of how the economics should work.  Crazy.

In general, I had a rule that this space was for personal opinions/thoughts and that I would not be making political (or not) statements, etc etc.  But this time, I cannot help myself.  Right-wing nut-jobism is morphing into something more terrible/terrifying.  Hoping sanity prevails somehow.  For everyone's sake.

Weekend madness

And just like that another weekend is over.  Another weekend that was hot, hectic and super busy.  Crazy.  Birthday party, kids tiring themselves out.  Which was an awesome thing, because nap time was a breeze for once.   IKEA!!!!  Bought things for the house other than the thing we went there to buy!  But IKEA is always like that.  So, that's ok.  Dinner and a movie.  New strategy for getting N to sleep through the night, and in his own room.  There is a small ray of hope that it will work.  Sunday morning was actually a lazy morning for once.  Trip to the hairdresser.  N sat through his haircut without crying.  Another first!  Looks super cute now!  Tennis.  Library.  Shopping at the mall.  Realized N has had too much junk to eat this weekend.  Got him on an all-fruit snack diet today.  Worked out well.  Make N's dinner, our dinner.  Bath time.  Story time.  Bed time.  Now if only he finally will go to sleep, I can finally put my feet up.  And wonder what happened to the weekend.  Wait, what weekend????

Outliers

~ By Malcolm Gladwell

Fantastic read.  In spite of the recommendations and rave reviews, had not had a chance to pick it up until recently.  The minute I started reading, I was hooked.  Brilliant writer, amazing use of examples to illustrate the core point of the book, and high enough interest level maintained throughout to make you not want to put down the book at all.  Quite a feat.  The book attempts to outline the 'story' of success - how successful people got to where they are, and that there's a hell of a lot more to success than the individual's achievements.

I have to admit, after the rather incredible first example on the Canadian hockey players, I was tending towards slight skepticism when I started reading the examples of Bill Joy and Bill Gates.  I thought the data was being presented in too arranged a manner.  Errr, I do data analysis for a living,  and I know only too well how any argument can be data driven, OR, it can be entirely hypothesis driven, and one can always find some data or the other to support that hypothesis. :-). Worse, in many cases, one can twist and turn the data to make it support the hypothesis.  Oh, how well I know this.  I see it every day.

However, Gladwell is impossible to argue with.  And really, the point he's making throughout the book is obvious if you think about it.  The framework of his argument is flawless if you think about it.  The problem is that we rarely think about it in that way.  And he's so masterfully explained the examples with compelling data points, that its really difficult to poke holes in his theory.  Big ones, at least.  And I tried, for the fun of it. :-)

I was told every parent should read this book.  I'm glad I did.  It's true!  Every parent should read this book.  And I love Gladwell's writing style.  It is simple, honest, and seems to come straight from the heart.  

Amazing book.  Gotta pick up his The Tipping Point and Blink next.

Hot, hot, hot!

Heat wave approaching DC starting today and lasting a whole week, with the worst part coming later in the week.  Ugh.

Time to turn up the cooling, and minimize the clothing. :-)

One of those days

It's been one of those days when...

- am so thankful for friends.  Met so many of them over the last 2 weeks, and especially this weekend.  Watching N interact with the kids, just hanging out in J & R's backyard, going to the park, and the city...realized how all these people make life a whole lot better.

- am in amazement at how much N is chattering away, and the words he is learning and the things he comes up with when we least expect them!  It's hilarious but also a strong indication that we have to absolutely watch what we say when he's around.  Because he's listening and imitating all the time.  Gosh!

- still smile when I think of N's highlight of the weekend.  Had gone for pizza after the playground on Sat, and who should turn up for their dinner but 2 cops.  N's jaw dropped open as soon as he saw them (they had of course just got out of their cop car and were fully uniformed, complete with weapons and all) and he couldn't stop staring.  So I took him and walked over to their table and told them he wanted to say Hi.  They were most friendly, and shook his hand and talked to him and asked him what he was going to eat, etc.  He was so in awe. :-)  We came back to our table, and I could see the absolute thrill on his face.  :-))

- P took N to the park this evening, and I had some time to myself.  Decided to cook up a storm, and I did.  I am far from the domestic type (although I'm a stickler for cleanliness - I cannot stand dirt or messes, my kitchen and bathrooms have to be clean always, and clutter equals stress - yes, maybe that's borderline OCD, don't care what they call it!) yet I don't dislike cooking, but I don't like to do it everyday and I certainly don't like to do it for long periods.  But today, I just went on and on.  It was almost therapeutic.  Now there's enough food for a whole week. :-)

- feel like taking a vacation...where I don't do anything much....just sleep to my heart's content, maybe :-)

- was telling someone today how N's surgery and the last three weeks brought the best and the worst out in us as parents, and how the love-for-your-child thing got multiplied by a factor of a million or so through the whole thing....it's true. :-)

- am thankful for this space here.  Even though the dramatics threatens to go out of control at times (hee hee), its still something I enjoy doing...so, if you read this, thanks for reading!

Missing that which was never mine to begin with...

...as impossible as that may sound.

Reactions

So many times, it is so easy to react on the spur of the moment.  Reaction to something is instant and emotions rise to the surface unabated.  It is so easy then, to say something or do something or show something of how you are feeling.  Unless you take a deep breath, and walk away.  And get a night's sleep over it.  Come morning, you feel just a little bit different about it.  Perspective has made its wise way into the stormy seas of emotion.

I have, oh so wisely, decided to simply let my silence be my reaction.

He's a growing boy, it seems

I had a big time problem when they said N had 'graduated' from being an infant to a toddler around his first birthday.  Ok, yes, that's me, so please stop laughing.  My baby, the sweet infant with all his baby innocence, now a toddler?  Ok, whatever.  I had just about come to terms with that.  With his toddler-hood came the terrible two's and every other delightful thing we as parents could possibly come across (oh and by the way, the sleepless nights didn't stop).  I was kind of still grappling with 'toddler' and now they tell me that he's no longer one.  He's supposedly a 'pre-schooler' now!  What!!  School? Pre-school? My N?

Where has the time gone?  And have I captured enough of those memories?  As I look at some of his baby pictures, with the layers of baby fat around his sweet face that have now disappeared to make way for more handsome defined 'pre-schooler' features, and as I fold and store away yet another piece of clothing because it does not fit him anymore, a little fraction of my heart is broken...again.

Clarity

What a liberating feeling it is when something becomes clear in the mind.  When you take the emotions out, and add a dollop of practicality, and let realism soak in...when you see something for what it is, and the cloud is lifted...when you realize how subjectivity held you captive in the past...when clarity of thought engulfs the brain...its so so liberating.  Now finally, one can hope for some peace. :-)

summer and reading and other things

Signing up to get really busy at work soon.  Has to be done.  Looking forward to it actually.  In the mean time, have resumed my reading again.  More on what I am reading and what I think of them soon.  Only going with recommendations from friends and family right now.  No time to try anything else.  Also, we are approaching the peak of DC summer here, but still feels great to do all the outdoor stuff.  Yeah summer is hot and sweaty, but beats the bone biting chill of winter any day. :-)

On another happy note, R will be here soon.  Waiting to see you!!

The past ten days had taken its toll.  Unbelievably stressful.  Until yesterday.  A good night's sleep and no incidents with N has done wonders.  His smile and apparent decrease in discomfort have been a soothing balm on my own pain.  Pain of having put him through it all. 

We are all slowly bouncing back into normalcy, after what seemed like a bad dream.  Thank God for P.  Thank God for parents.  Thank God for friends.  And thank God for my brave little baby, who has taught me to be strong and resilient.  And still teaches me every single day.

Of emotions and more...

I look back at this past month and am amazed at what an emotionally intense month it has been.  Huge!  On multiple levels.  In multiple ways.  So much has been said.  So much has happened.  And so much has been felt.

I guess I will always remember this time.  Life is just so funny and strange and unpredictable all at the same time.  And yet, the one thing it does without fail is constantly teach you something new about yourself.  Yes, this past month I did learn.  So much.  I learnt that I can be emotional, but that I can also hold back.  I learnt that I can be outspoken, but that I can also keep my thoughts in check.  I learnt to be tough once more, but I also learnt to open up my mind and my heart and be myself.  I learnt that I can bring down that guard for just a little bit, to let just a little something in....just for a little while.  So that happiness could invade. :-)

Life.  You've gotta love it and laugh at the way it works.  That, in the end, is the only way to live.

trials of parenting

The past week has been hard.  Hard on us, for sure, but harder on N.  He's pulling through and the natural resilience of childhood will help him endure - the pain, the anxiety and the stress of the moment.  And soon, he'll be back bouncing off the walls once more, this painful incident forgotten.  He's so young now, years from now, he will not even remember this.

The real trial is for us.  Parenting has been one big guilt trip.  Are we doing enough? Are we giving enough? Are we planning enough, are we providing enough?  Always doubting whether we can be doing something better, even though we are giving a 110% of all that is possible. 

And it is so even in this case.  No amount of sleep deprivation, anxiety, planning, taking infinite amounts of time off from work, etc seem to have been enough to deal with the stress, to deal with the guilt of having put him through this.  N has taken more than the stipulated time to recover, and his pain and stress are enough to elevate ours to extremely high levels.  While maintaining sanity and calm outwards for his sake, it has taken its toll.  I'm exhausted and cranky myself.  And yet, I have to stay focused.  Yet, I have to be mom.  That job never ends. 

Cannot wait for next week.

I bask in the early morning sunshine.  I'm sleepy, but I realize I'm happy.  Happy thoughts.  I smile.

Yeah, it is a brand new day.

There definitely was a higher being that oversaw events today.  Days of mild-ish anxiety culminated in finally taking N in for his surgery early this morning.  The minute we stepped into the hospital, he knew something was going to happen, and became clingy as hell.  Even in the midst of what must have been a scary situation for him, he ran and gave the ENT surgeon whom he had met on two occasions before, a big hug. The spontaneity of childhood...

I finally walked with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist (who was the most re-assuring professional I have met in a long time) into the OR with N in my arms.  I was strangely very calm, even as his anxiety had to have been on the rise.  The OR was a bustle of activity and once again, I was amazed by the professionalism, the efficiency and the attitude of the staff in there.  The last time I was blown away by that, in spite of the state that I had been in, was when N was born.  Then, I was almost in awe of the way I had been treated, and the way in which absolutely the most intense moments of my life - when my first child was born, was made as comfortable for me as was possible.  Today, I saw that same level of concern and commitment.  I can never get over how well these people do their jobs here in this country, how they make you feel like they care.  And so, I just decided to trust them to take care of N.  And I was so calm there today in the OR, as they began to administer the gas through a mask over his nose and mouth, and he began to struggle.  My only focus of the moment was to make sure he knew that I was right there with him.  I held him close even as they began to make him inhale the gas that would knock him out, which would then let them inject the anesthesia into him.  In a matter of seconds he was asleep, I gave him a quick kiss and left the OR.  Now all we had to do was wait...

An hour or so later, we saw him.  He was disoriented and crying, and once he was back in my arms, I started to calm him down.  My poor baby.  And unbelievably, in a few minutes he started to recover.  Enough to make the doctors say that we could take him home right away, instead of having to stay the night at the hospital as originally anticipated.  I am just so thankful that everything went off ok. 

Even though he's been on pain medication, he's still in considerable pain, and the offer of unlimited ice-cream seems not to be able to mitigate that.  Which is saying that he's in a LOT of pain.  And still the child is bearing it with a dignity I cannot fathom.

As always, I have so much to learn from the little guy. 

Not been looking forward to this week at all.  I know it will be tough on me, but it will be tougher on N.  In my mind, I know why this needs to be done, and that he will be better off because of it.  But how do I untie that knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  Thank God, I am not alone going through this.  And as for my baby, he's the bravest little one there ever could be, so he'll get through this just fine. :-)

Having said that, my resilience and strength as a mother will surely be tested this week.

enjoying the Potomac

Watched the Potomac in real fine form today at Great Falls.  Its almost hypnotic to watch the falls cascade down the rocks.  What was more amazing was to see the canoers make their way down the forceful falls.  For that crazy moment when they are at the tip of the falls, I watched with bated breath, super scared for what looked like a really scary, crazy descent.  And then down they came, one by one, obviously in the best physical shape ever, and god knows how much training they've had to be able to do that.  Amazing!  Standing at the vantage view point where we had the best, most gorgeous view, the watching crowd broke into cheers and applause.  In a few minutes, the people in the boats came to the edge of the rocks, got off, started to climb the rocks back to the start of the falls, to do it all over again!!  Seriously wow!

Chances

When you had the chance to do something you wanted so bad...and it slipped right through your fingers - the realization that you may not get that chance again, ever - is the hardest thing to deal with.

What was that thing they said about opportunity?  That it comes knocking or something...well, in this case, it was more like it came bearing down on an unsuspecting me, threatening to crash my world around me, and destroy my sense of balance.  And yet, in the strangest of ways, it would have lifted me up, up to that magical high place, where I always dreamed of going....

DC again

Drove into DC today.  It was a fantastic day with just the right amount of sunshine.  Could not believe how green the place is along the beautiful drive into the city.  George Washington Parkway is a treat to drive on.  And when you start approaching Georgetown with the Potomac to your left below you, the views are amazing.  Cross the Roosevelt Bridge and there you are in the heart of DC, with the Mall area looming in front of you.  Love this city.

Walking around in the sunshine, amused by all the tourists doing the touristy thing.  More amused by the folks taking the tour on Segways.  Gotta do that someday.

Watching N take in the sights and exhibits at the Natural History Museum was a delight.  Not yet three, but already a sponge for absorbing, learning.  :-)