And this is where we are...

Today has been unbelievably eye-opening for me.  I am still internalizing what I have learned.  It will take a while - to fully absorb it, and to reflect on it, and to come to terms with it.  Look at this life.  Look at the different places it takes us.  Each of us.  Everyone of us.  Today once again, I am being forced to put my life in the perspective of the grander scheme of things.  The grander scheme of people...from my present and my past.  But especially my past.  Look at their life.  People from my past.  I have not been in touch with them.  They have not been in touch with me.  I know my life because I look at it - everyday.  But today I got to look at their life.  And I am still grasping at what I have learnt.

How much time we spend dwelling on ourselves and who we are.  And all the time, things are happening to and with people all around us.  People from our present, and people from our past.  Especially people from our past.  And this is where they are, today.  And this is who they are, today.  And I am amazed and in disbelief.

For one thing, I will feel very differently about many things from this moment onwards.  For sure.

que sera sera

I know that Today is what matters, since the past is over and the future is not ours yet...

But again, is it so wrong to dream about the future, plan for it, and work towards it...so that if and when it does come to us, we can hope for that contentment we strive so hard for?  Isn't that what we all want....a more content future than today....isn't it?

My Pillar...

Today, as on a million occasions before, you inspired me, and comforted my anxious mind.  Your wisdom, your patience, your strength and your faith in me always serve to keep me grounded.  How I wish I could be with you right now.  How I wish we could go on a long walk together, and talk about everything, share stories, and jokes.  How I wish I could see you today - the quiet strength in your eyes, the eternal optimism of your soul....but for now, I have to be content to listen to your voice.  To listen to your advice.  To confide in you, and let your experience and words of wisdom wash over my doubts and questioning mind.  You are my pillar of support, always always have been.  You are my role model.  Waiting to see you...soon.  Love you lots, Pappa...

Dancing with my baby

I believe it now.  That those moments of sheer joy are the ones that utlimately define life.  Sometime ago someone tried to convince me that there is ultimately no one thing that is magical about life.  No one monumental thing will change it, or transform it, or be the cause of happiness or joy.  We can wait and wait for that "big" moment to change things, to make things "better" or to open our eyes and minds.  We will likely wait for ever.  Or a really really long time at least.  In the mean time, the years will roll by, and things will pass.  Life actually, is simply the sum total of a million little things that happen or you make happen along the way.  The sum total of little things.  Little things.  Like dancing with my baby.  He runs to the music system and switches it on.  He knows which button will turn on the channel he loves.  The channel that plays the liveliest, most upbeat music.  The songs that make you want to move to the beat.  And then he starts to dance.  Jumps up and down and does his version of snapping his fingers.  Swirls around and squeals in delight.  And then he looks at me with sheer and complete joy in his eyes.  The biggest of grins spread across his face.  And I have no choice but to join him.  To dance with him.  And I feel the incredible joy that makes my heart soar.  And I never want the moment to end...

Of trips, and old friends and Mickey and Minnie...

It's been a really busy couple of months...not the usual-usual, but other things thrown in as well....nice things :-)....catching up with friends in town...Halloween...N dressed as a chimp...not that he needs a costume!....Diwali night....lighting diyas....little baby boys in kurtas...delightful!....Thanksgiving....trip to the Big Apple....catching up with friends after so long....so nice....NY is a truly awesome city...back to our suburban abode...winter sets in...wrapping up a ton of things at work...planning a trip away from the cold...the Sunshine State beckons...again.....unexpected trip in between to meet an old old friend....more catching up....back home...its snowing now!....and finally off to the south...beaches, and gators, sunshine and spa.....Lion Country Safari...the rhino and the giraffes took the cake!....visit to dear uncle and aunt's place, where N was spoilt thoroughly again...then off to see giraffes, and turtles from glass-bottom boats...and of course, Mickey and Minnie and Donald for good measure....roller-coasters and trains and gizmos and things.....certain people didnt want the fun to end.....
Back home now, and a few more days before the new year rolls in.....hmmm...

Letting go

How do you let go...of that memory, of the joy that grips the heart when you recall that memory, of the regret...how do you let go of the notion of what it could have meant.  Of what it would be like.  And how do you leave it behind and make your way forward?  Do you let go of all of it? Cold turkey?  Or do you hang on by the last threads of the memories that make it bearable.  Because the first lets you make a clean break and start afresh without looking backwards, and the second lets you be yourself again - for a brief, exhilarating moment longer...

Wint(e)rials

Pretty though this winter is - NOT fun when flights get delayed, plans go awry and you're far from home.  I finally land in the airport and find my way on the bus to the parking lot where my car is parked.  To find that it is covered with the white stuff.  Luckily it is still soft (and quite beautiful).  So I have to find my cleaner and remove it from all the windows, etc.  To do this, I have to remove my glove to hold the damn thing.  A few minutes is all it takes, but by now my fingers have frozen completely, and pain takes over.  I jump into the car, feet are wet and cold.  Car is freezing.  With great difficulty I manage to pay the parking attendant.  Unbelievably, my window doesn't roll up.  Looks like some issue because of the cold.  I am desperate.  There is no way I can drive back 30 miles in the snow with an open window.  I pull and shove and bang and knock, and finally the thing manages to roll up and close.  Thank the Lord!  I finally get out of there and on the road back home.  My fingers are seriously hurting now and I worry about frost bite.  And lo and behold, I am greeted by horrendous traffic - commuters delayed by the weather.  After a couple of hours I finally made it home, thankful for its warmth and to see my family.  What a day!
Its OK though.  It teaches you to be patient. :-)

Winter is upon us

I woke up this morning to see a thin layer of white on the grass and the driveway and the roof tops.  The first snow of the season.  Well, the first time really was last Friday, but those were flurries.  Really, really pretty.

The degree to which you feel cold and miserable is dependent on a number of factors, and has mostly nothing to do with the actual temperature.  There's humidity.  And there's wind.  Oh, the wind.  And it amazes me how my frame of reference has changed completely.  I am a seasoned east-coaster now.  Totally know how to deal with the winter now, after all these years.  I know how to dress, and what to do. 

Dont get me wrong - it can get pretty miserable at times.  Especially if those winds are blowing.  However, that is not at all all the time.  In a really different way, this winter is actually quite beautiful.  The first snows are amazing.  The chill in the air can be cleansing. 

Many times, in the next few months, all I will want to do is huddle indoors, under a razai probably and drink some hot chai.  But there will also be many times, when I will go outside, and take deep breaths of the cold air, feel that crazy invigoration, maybe step through some soft white snow, pull that thick jacket closer around me, and trod on....

Ah, Love :-)

The distance, it has always been the biggest pain to deal with.  In time, I accepted it, and moved on with my life.  In time, and time does have this way of helping you deal with things, I made it work out somehow.  This time, though, I was just about unable to come to terms with it.  I should have been there.  I should have.  I could not.  I know he understands.  I know that.  Later, when I saw them together, my heart melted, and my eyes teared up.  Love has a way of easing the pain.  From all sides.  And love, there is plenty of that, now!!

On the flip side, the countdown has begun.  I cannot wait. :-)))))

A little perspective

And then there is perspective.  You think you are having a tough day, a really tough week, and something happens to that one person that puts a completely new spin on the words "Bad Luck".  Added to that, its outright galling how people behave towards other human beings.  Its unbelievable how somethings happen where you least expect them to happen, and its even more unbelievable how they turn out to happen.  And there is a squeeze around the heart, and a churning of the stomach when you hear the details.  And suddenly all your stress has completely paled in comparison.  A little perspective is always a good thing, at the unfortunate cost of someone else.

Really wish this world was a better place.

Hmmm

Sometimes, the thing that you dread the most ends up coming your way.  You do your best to avoid it, to mitigate it, to deny it, and to run away from it.  You kick up a fuss, you stress to no end, and you try every trick in the book to keep it from tarnishing the balance in your life that you work so hard to keep.  In the end, it creeps up on you and shows you who is boss. 
:(((

And also, when its right there in your face, and you have no choice but to accept it, you find a way to deal with it.  And you realize that you were made of stronger stuff than you thought.  You grit your teeth and get through it, and suddenly, just like that, you are on the other side.

Ah, the resilience of the human spirit.

Lessons to learn...

Today more than ever, I wonder why I cannot be more like him.  My propensity to take on the I-need-to-carry-the-world-on-my-shoulders attitude is downright depressing.  I look at him, and I see not just innocence- pure, unadulterated and refreshing always, but also the unwillingness to be bogged down, to dwell on the immediate, to always always be positive, enthusiastic and eager.  I see him go down, and he gets up, dusts himself off and picks up where he left off.  He learns not to make the same mistake again.  He doesn't let the piddly nagging pain or fear bring down his resolve to keep going...I cant describe how much it fascinates me!  Is it in his wiring, I ask - to be like that, to be so strong, to be so pure, and full of joy and positive energy?
Today more than ever, I see I have so much to learn from him....

Colours of the season

Reds, yellows, oranges and in-betweens...I LOVE Fall around here.  One of the best places to be on the planet this time of the year - the east coast of this great land.  The colours always take my breath away.  Love,love, love it.  Truly inspires me.  Nature, seriously....

I am Back

Can't believe its been so long since I wrote here.  Life and all its various vagaries had simply taken over.  I have missed being here, missed penning down my thoughts - random though they were.

Anyway, let's see if this spurt will last this time around.

And lets see, indeed, if I do have anything to say that is worth writing about. :)

"Unaccustomed Earth"

New book by one of my fav authors - Jhumpa Lahiri. The book just came out and I had to have a copy. Its a collection of short stories, and after her Pulitzer prize short story winner, I had high expectations.

Have to say - I was only sort of impressed. The first story, the title story was very good, and I thought I was in for a real treat. The remaining stories were just about okay, with one good one in between.

I am still a fan of her writing style. Rich with simple details, yet so real as for one to identify oneself with various aspects of the story, the so human characters. Some of the details she adds through out her stories are so touching. It does pull at the heart strings at times. Not depressing, just touching. I like that.

However, I did like the first book "The Interpreter of Maladies" much better. I remember those stories were shorter than the ones in "Unaccustomed Earth", but more varied, if I recall right. In the new book, all the main characters are the standard issue second generation Bengali immigrants to the West, and after a point, the usual cultural struggle blah blah gets rather monotonous as a recurring theme.

In any case, I will still read whetever Lahiri's next book will be. I'm just a fan.

Michael Clayton

One of those movies that I should have watched much sooner, but, like many things, got postponed until now. Michael Clayton is definitely in the Big League. Reviews were great, and the movie bagged seven Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture.

I am not going to describe the plot, or anything else that might take away from the movie watching experience for you if you havent already seen it and are planning to. Suffice to say that the script is brilliant, entertaining and respects your intelligence as the audience. Some of the sequence of events are predictable, yet, one is not bored even for a moment. Reminds me of the Bourne series of movies, especially the last one 'Bourne Ultimatum' and what a good watch that was. And no, Michael Clayton is not anything like Jason Bourne, just so you know. He's a regular guy, a corporate lawyer specializing in a certain type of skill.

Having said that, Michael Clayton is played by George Clooney, who delivers, yet again. Reminds me yet again why I like him so much. Combine Clooney's mmmm dreamy looks (despite the age), magnetic screen prescence and brilliant acting with great performances by the other actors too, and you have a movie experience that is worth every second of its 90 minutes, and leaves you saying "Wow" at the end of it.

Loved it. Highly recommend it.

Cherry Blossoms in DC

Caught up with good friend and DC veteran DB who was down from CT for a work conference over the weekend. Drove into DC since it was the peak and inauguration of the famous Cherry Blossom Festival. It was a little cold as we parked at Hain's Point and took the shuttle to the Tidal Basin. It was so beautiful. White and pink cherry trees covered the expanse of the place, and as we got near the Jefferson Memorial by the side of the Tidal Basin, we could see the pink and white trees all around the basin. A complete treat. Throngs of people hanging out enjoying the famous blossoms.

Later, we had a fabulous dinner at our old favourite joint Lebanese Taverna, catching up on a gazillion different life topics. A great way to end a perfect evening.

Here are some pictures...from the official cherry blossom website for 2008...

It's a Beautiful Day

I go for a walk today. After weeks, its about sixty five degrees and just crying for a step out. So I put on my shoes and step outside and take a breath of fresh spring air - still a bit nippy, but completely refreshing.

As I walk through the quintessential American suburban neighbourhood, I see that Winter has transmorgrified (in Calvin's words) into Spring, and most of the trees are in bloom. The grass on the lawns is green once more. There are nests in the trees, and birds flying about. The weather is perfect. Not too sunny, and not at all cold. I walk on, energized.

I pause my Ipod for a moment, and listen to the Spring. I hear zillions of birds sounds. Calling to their mates, probably. Such sweet sounds they are. And so many different sounds. I walk past a little pond, and there are ducks swimming around in pairs. Along the banks, tonnes more flowers are growing.

I play my song once more. Eric Clapton is singing one of my all-time favourite "Let it Grow"

Im standin at the crossroads
Tryin to read the signs
To tell me which way I should
Go to find the answer
And all the time I know
Plant your love and let it grow.

Let it grow, let it grow,
Let it blossom, let it flow.
In the sun and in the snow
Love is lovely, let it grow.

Time is gettin shorter
And theres much for you to do,
Only askn you will get what you are needin,
The rest is up to you.
Plant your love and let it grow.

I look at the cherry trees in all their pink and white splendour. I look at the green grass and see miniscule violet, yellow and magenta flowers sprouting in between the long blades of grass. Everywhere, life is springing forth. I marvel at the little life that we have created ourselves. A miracle, no less. I am amazed and awed at the same time. I smile to myself.

It's a beautiful day.

Is it all about Timing?

They say it is all about timing. Stock markets, real estate markets, promotions, personal life decisions. They say that everything is about timing when to do what, when to make the most of what happens. They say you can make it or break it depending on the timing of events and decisions in your life. Is it? Can you?

I wonder...I haven't thought about this much until now. I am the sort of person who plans for everything in life. I live by a mental check-list of things I need to do and by when I need to get them done. Unplanned events are OK, as long as I have a plan on how to deal with them :) Almost all of the important events in my life have been planned...or so I like to think.

I look at people who live their lives by the seat of their pants, and sometimes, very occasionally, I envy them, but for the life of me, I cannot be like that. So, I have to know how to deal with every situation, weigh the pros and cons, and make the best choice under the circumstances. But what about timing...do I specifically pay attention to that? And how much of a role has it played in my life....?

I think it has played a big role, given everything. I think I am where I am, doing what I am, because of the timing of events in the past. Some of these events just happened at those times, others I made happen at those times. Together, it has landed me where I am. I acknowledge that, and am happy about it. Often times, we tend to point fingers at fate dealing us a set of circumstances, but isn't it also about what we do to deal with it, and importantly, when we deal with it? True, we cannot foresee the timing of future events in our life, but then, we always have had only the present and the past to work with.

Someone told me today that Life is all about timing. This is a person struggling with complex life and work decisions. I think of all the complex personal and professional situations I have been in in my own life, and the part that timing has played in them. Maybe its time to take stock of them, make peace with them, and learn a few lessons for the future.

Back after a Hiatus

It's been a long while since I came to these parts...lots of things happenning...life changes, work changes, and yes this winter :-) I am more convinced than ever that I am a Summer person. I was born in the summer, my name literally means "Summer". Sunny personality? Maybe not all of the time, but hey, I am no morose creature either. One thing is for sure - I don't like the cold. It does nothing to alleviate my mood. Realized the importance of the Sun this winter which seems to be relentlessly going on...

So waiting for spring, the warmth of the sun, and the inevitable uplifting of the spirit that it brings.