Milestone

Long overdue post.  Since it's supposed to be better late than never, here it is.  This year, that day.  They say it's just a number, and I truly and wholeheartedly believe that.  I don't feel the weight of anything.  I don't feel the length of anything.  I do want to take a moment to savor the significance, though. 

Time.  What to do with the realization of it's passing?  When time is measured in decades now, not even just years.  Where has it gone?  How has it flown?  And what to do with this realization?  Nothing, it seems.  Except, to look forward.  And to live in the now.  To be.  To fill up the space with gratitude as much as possible.  Gratitude for the blessings.  And the bounty.

Four decades.  I remember my childhood, my teen years, my school days.  The truly wonder years.  Those awkward fumbles into teenage.  The scary, yet exciting transition to college.  The twenties.  The decade of experimentation.  The growing up into the professional world.  The lessons and disappointments.  The realization of what the true world out there looked like.  The brave leap into new worlds, and brand new experiences, a partner by my side.  The quest to become something.  To learn things, to see things, to do things.  The resolve to achieve and accomplish.  The drive, the ambition.  The adventures, the mis-adventures.  The highs and the lows.

The thirties.  Motherhood.  A whole new era. Hitherto unimagined, now unfolded in all its frightening glory.  The unexplained love.  The joys without warning.  The sorrows without warning.  Life changed, forever.  Childhood, and more wonder years.  My little nest.  Getting a semblance of my old life back.  What could possibly throw everything off track again?  Why, motherhood of course.  Second time around.  My miracle baby.  More joys, more highs, more lows.  Exhaustion unimagined.  The pure exhilaration of seeing pure love and bonding.  The reason for doing it all. over. again.  Zero regrets.

Life.  Parenting.  Working mother.  Focusing on the things that matter.  Building a castle, a nest, a home.  Carving out my individuality.  Forging a path.  Never giving up.  Building my career.  Giving it my all.  Embracing the guilt trips, the obligations, the expectations.  Creating my own agenda.

Four decades.  As I sit and wonder what will be next, I am filled with pride.  There is so much to still do.  To accomplish.  I am filled with joy.  For what I have created, produced and driven.  I am filled with ambition, for what I want to do next.  I am filled with anxiety.  For what I know are uphill battles.  For the hard work I know has to happen, for the dues I know have to be paid.  But mostly, mostly, I am filled with hope.  That the next four decades will be the best ones yet.  Yes, a very happy milestone birthday to myself.

Stillness

We live in a time when the world is rushing around us, and we are rushing along with it in some kind of weird centrifugal dance that doesn't seem to let up.  There's always a backlog of things to be done, to attend to, to take care of.  The pace of completed tasks never keeps up with incoming, to-do ones.  Balancing work, kids, spouses, family, friends, social obligations, chores, and everything else in between is a never ending, never abating whirl, and many times we want to just pause, and jump off the swirling bandwagon, to take a breath, a respite...the weirdest thing is, we don't seem to want it any other way....right?  For we do have the choice, don't we?

That aside, and talking about choices, here is a choice that I think we should all make as often as we can.  The choice to be still.  Stop rushing, stop moving, stop browsing, stop scrolling.  Just be still.

Be still. Stay quiet. Slow down the thoughts.  No voices, no sounds.  Be still.  Beathe.  Listen to your breath, if you so choose.  But be still.

Even in yoga, that ultimate balm for the body, mind and soul (I speak from my own experience of years), the aim is for stillness.  Stillness in every pose.  The first step is to try the pose, breathing into it.  In the beginning you will stumble, and wobble.  You will fall out of it, you will look ridiculous trying.  But with practice, you will get better (much like life itself).  You will become more flexible.  You will ease into the pose more confidently.  However, the goal should be stillness.  Stillness in the pose.  There is a powerful sense of mastery and confidence that wells inside when you are able to be still in a pose, especially if it is a challenging one.  It is that moment in the time-space continuum where your body says to your mind that it has conquered the pose, and your mind says to your body that it has conquered the pose.  Strength and calm well up inside, and you experience a freedom like none other.

I try to make this same choice of stillness even when not on the yoga mat.  It's difficult to do, given everything that goes on from life's daily perspective.  However, making some deliberate choices help.  Like waking up early before everyone else does, and the craziness begins. 

The other day, I stepped into the backyard early in the morning.  The just rising sun had splashed brilliant hues of red and pink across the morning sky.  Made me think how beautiful this universe is.  The light breeze that blew was perfect.  The birds were all up, making some of the sweetest chirping sounds.  Not another soul stirred anywhere around me.  It was just me, and the early morning.  I sat.  Did nothing. Thought about nothing in particular.  No agenda, no planning.  No doing.  Just being still.

There is a deep power in stillness.  It resets and rejuvenates.  The choice to make room for it is up to us.

The gift of life

I have been on a quest of becoming more mindful.  This journey has been going on for a while, but has assumed renewed urgency of late.  The reasons are many, less important.  The reasons are only part of the journey.  What is more important is the journey itself, and the aspiration of the end-state.  To be without judgement, to be in the now.  To focus on what matters, what is in front of me.  Not what happened yesterday, not what I anticipate tomorrow.

Needless to say, I have been perusing countless resources on mindfulness.  There are many out there, and I have been curating the most discerning ones, the more applicable ones.  Applicable to me, of course.  I don't presume to speak for everyone else.

I came across a quote on a website dedicated to being more mindful, more appreciative of the here and now.  The quote was of Bob Marley, the famous Jamaican singer-songwriter.

In an interview, with reference to his fame, he was once asked, "Are you a rich man, do you have a lot of possessions?" He replied, "I don't have that kind of richness, my richness is life". 

I read this today and it struck me like lightning, as I sat there, going through my regular day, worrying about my regular to-do's and not-to-do's.  "My richness is life".  Wow.

What is my life?  I take a few moments to count my blessings, all of them.  And I marvel at the bounty.  And putting anything material aside, is not my life itself a blessing?  The fact that I am here and now, and not somewhere else less ideal.  The fact that my problem of not being mindful is so much lower on the totem pole of life problems that others face.  The fact that I already have everything I need.  And I only need to remind myself of it.

This life is a true gift.  I could have been born as one of the other 7 billion humans around the globe, many in conditions less optimal that I am in.  Many in countries without the resources that mine has.  Many without the family and support that I have.  Many without the opportunities that I have taken advantage of.  And yet, I was born as me.  The gift of my life was given to me.  And today, I am filled with gratitude for it.

It behooves me (and you as well, really) to pay this gift forward.  In whatever way makes sense to you.  Starting with being the most decent, compassionate human being you can be.  Start somewhere, anywhere.  Also, stop being so busy and harried all the time, and acknowledge what is already there, and what you already have.  Acknowledge this gift of your life.  Trust me, it's worth it.

The reckoning

The man stood at the threshold, uncertain and nervous.  It was cold outside, and it had been a long, weary day.  Most days were like this one, nowadays.  The wind chilled his bones, and worry creased his brow.  It was cold, and every cell in his tired, cold body wanted to rush inside, and escape from the bleakness, from the dampness, from the darkness.  And yet, he hesitated.  What lay ahead?  He was not sure.

Thoughts flashed in his mind.  Happy times.  Confident times.  When he thought he had life under control.  When every move was planned, every outcome deliberated.  When he had made the most of everything.  Money, fame, family, friends.  It had all worked out.  He had it all worked out.  Ruthless decision-making, an iron heart, a stronger than strong will.  Never to be outdone, never to be defeated.  It had all worked out.  Were there setbacks?  Sure, they were.  Had they fazed him.  Never.  He always picked himself, dusted them off, and made the next calculated move.  Staying focused was his forte.  It always had been.

Focused on the outcome.  The end-game.  More thoughts - how that focus had eventually become ruthless. Doing whatever it took.  Playing the game with the single objective of winning.  Suddenly, people flashed across his tired mind.  People he had used, manipulated, hurt and rejected.  People he had stepped on, on his way to the top.  All the way to the top.  Friends, family, strangers.

He had enjoyed the power.  He had thrived on the elixir of that heady life where he was in charge, and his fame and fortune were growing.  There was nothing he didn't have, couldn't have.  And for a long, long while, he had everything.  He was invincible.

And then one day, a streak of misfortune made its way into the cushy scene of his life.  The perfect slow storm of bad luck, bad timing, back-stabbing people, misfiring calculations began to brew.  It took effect slowly, and he fought back with everything he had.  He became even more ruthless.  He became even more merciless.  He spared no one, and no thing.  But over time, his actions began to catch up to him.  He lost friends.  His family left him.  His colleagues stopped trusting him.  All he had was his fortune.  He then began using that for vice.  No matter that people didn't respect him.  He could still use his money to get what he wanted.  And so he did.  There was no luxury that he didn't buy.  There was no whim, no fantasy that he didn't fulfill.  It was ostentatious, and it was excessive, and it was obscene, but his money flowed like a raging river to fill his life with material pursuits.

And then one day, he began to run out.  Slowly but surely, he spent more than he made.  Recklessness caught up with reality, and he was soon out of a job, an income, a home, a safety net.  He woke up one day realizing he had to literally figure out how to have a roof over his head. 

He could not believe it had come to this.  Where had he gone wrong? He was the smartest person he knew. He was the best at everything. He had the best of everything.  How did he lose it all?  Dejected and depressed, he embarked on a journey.  It was a physical one, although he knew not what his destination was.  He just knew he had to get somewhere to reach the answers he was seeking.  He had to find the answers along the way.  Each day he would move, and keep moving, looking for something.  For the first time in years, he really saw the world, saw other people, saw things that he never bothered with before.  He understood people, and things.  He began seeing bits and pieces of himself in the scenes that played out as he went from here to there, on his journey.

On one such day, after he had walked for several hours, the weather suddenly took a turn for the worse.  It began to rain and soon he was soaking wet.  He no longer had fancy clothes and shoes, and protection from the elements. He no longer had a belly full of energizing food and drink.  He no longer had luxurious boarding and lodging, or people to do his bidding.  He longed for those things, but knew he had to keep going.  And so he did.

He walked and walked, wondering if he would ever find what he was looking for.  Did he even know what he was looking for?  Weary and bone-tired, wet from the still stinging rainfall, he finally came upon a house at the end of the road.  It was a strange, solitary house and he walked quickly up to it, eager to seek shelter.  Upon getting closer, he saw that there was something different about it.  Something that felt off. And yet, he was drawn to it.  It was dark inside, yet the door was ajar.  All he had to do was reach it and take shelter from this howling wind.  So, why did he feel hesitation?  Why did he feel fear?

By now he was shaking from the cold.  And so tired and hungry.  Maybe someone was inside, someone he could talk to, someone who would finally be kind.  Maybe he could talk to this person.  Start from the beginning, and tell the story of his life.  Maybe they would offer him something hot to drink, and some food too.  Maybe he could finally stop torturing his body and his mind, and get some rest. 

He walked up to the gate of the house, opened it and walked inside.  A sensation of foreboding washed over his wet body and tired mind.  Yet, he kept walking, putting one foot in front of the other till he was at the door step.  The door was ajar, and a small light shone in the back of the front room of the house.  Even though it was dark, he could feel the warmth from inside. 

He stood at the threshold, uncertain and nervous.  It was so cold now, and it had been a long, weary day.  The wind chilled his bones, and worry creased his brow.  It was cold, and every cell in his tired, cold body wanted to rush inside, and escape from the bleakness, from the dampness, from the darkness.  From the darkness that was this day, and from the darkness that was his life.

And yet, he hesitated.  He stopped.  He turned around and looked through the thrashing rain at the road on which he had come.  Something drew him back to that road.  He turned and opened the door some more.  Something drew him into the house. 

He sighed.  He closed his eyes.  He took a deep, long breath.  And he stepped inside.

Big is little, little is big

"Everyone wants the big things in life — meaningful relationships, a great career and financial success. The secret to experiencing these big things is to make sure you get the little things right day in and day out."

Excerpt from a larger post about nuggets for success in work and life.  There is no shortage of these type of adages for sure, but every once in a while, something seemingly inane like this jumps out at me, and gets my brain gears clicking and turning.  This time, I had been ruminating along something similar for a while.  How it is that there is no big bang in life.  There is no big "A-Ha".  There is no thunder and lightning realization of what everything means, no big pot of gold, no blinding light at the end of the tunnel.  Certainly not when the years have rolled by, when time begins to be measured in decades.  What matters, is what happens every day, what you make of all the little moments that make up the big puzzle of life.  The little things.  

Choosing little things, and making those choices deliberately is what can make or break the "big" thing.  And over-focusing on the big thing will take away from choosing the little things to focus on.  And that's where you can get seriously caught up in a self-fulfilling prophecy of sitting around waiting for something big to happen, some big change to occur, some pivotal moment when realization dawns, or something changes, or someone changes, etc.

That is simply not going to happen.  People will not change.  Luck will not turn.  The moment will never feel right.  Yet, the only thing in your control is the here and now. And what you can do with it.  So, how about making it count?  How about just giving it your all, anyway?

Because these little things, done day in and day out, as if they were the only things that mattered soon begin to add up.  They begin to feel like the norm, they begin to define who you are, and what your life means.  

The little things.  What you read when you have twenty minutes to spare.  Who you think of when you want to be grateful.  What you decide to put in your body. Who you think of calling when you pick up your phone.  What you want to tell you child at the end of the day.  How you want to show up at work tomorrow.  What you decide you will learn today.  The books you choose. The friends you keep. The games you play with your children.  The battles you choose to pick.  The chores you share with your partner.  The games you decide not to play.  The pressures you opt out of.  

The little things.  Get these right.  Do these right.  Mean them, everyday.  Mean them anyway.  It's OK to not be perfect.  Of course, it is.  But know that it's the little things.  Always, the little things.

Hope

So much has transpired that to put any semblance of a chronological account that would make sense on any level seems like too much of a daunting task.  And I'm not even going to try.  As I tried to make sense of all that was happening, much as coming back to this space might have seemed inviting, I wondered that in the end, what do I even have to say, really?  What, indeed?  And what for?  As if it mattered in the least bit!  And so, I vowed I would not even bother.  That my time was probably better spent elsewhere.   And yet, something draws me back here.  And I realize that writing is therapeutic for me.  Yes, it does not matter - what I write, or what I have to say.  Yes, I could probably use the few minutes to do something else.  Yes, in the end, what the hell do I have to say anyway? (*Cynical smile*).  In any case...  As I type this totally rambling note, I ruminate that how it is with life that with sadness comes clarity.  That when you struggle for inspiration, you can only ever turn inward.  That enduring does make you stronger.  That love, deep-rooted and all-transcending does bail you out, time and again.  That if you look around you and learn from the people you interact with everyday, and if you revise those lessons before you fall asleep each night, you have made that day worth your while.  That somethings can never be explained.  And that they needn't be.  That you can hope, and that sometimes, hope is the only thing that can get you through the present.

New beginning for an old space

This has been such a long time coming, that I've lost count of the number of times I resolved to get back to this poor blog, and then never did it.  The few times I ventured as far as putting the proverbial pen down to paper, my overly critical self took over as usual and was not happy with the format and structure of the old blog.  Myriad times, I dabbled with deleting this spot in the ether-world and starting a brand new blurb somewhere else.  Then the sheer enormity of doing so made me hit the cancel button very quickly.  Myriad times, I returned to this tired, ignored blog and sat down to make changes.  Then sheer laziness took over and I quickly gave up.  The argument was who reads this anyway?  And aren't there twenty seven things waiting in my to-do list, and that too from yesterday?  This was so not a priority.

And so on, and on.  Until I realized one day that it's actually been 4 years since I even bothered writing anything.  Four entire revolutions performed by the planet around it's life giving sun, and I could not even find one post in me.  Shameful.  However, I forgive myself.  As this in itself is one of the new themes for this new year.

And I'm back, as you can see.  The question was - what do I do with this thing?  Do I delete all the old randomness and keep only what looks good to the average discerning reader?  Do I scrap and re-invent?  Or do I keep everything, as it's a window into my mind from time to time even though most of it totally verges on randomness?  How much time and energy do I invest?  Is the damn thing even worth it?

Well, after much thought, and some futile attempts at complete re-invention, I landed on keeping all of the old, and adding a touch, no - a splash of new.  Some general de-cluttering, a lot of organizing, some visuals that speak to me, and freshly renewed resolve to ignore this space no more.  And there you have it - the same old space, with a whole new beginning.  Happy new year!

Turning Four

What must it feel like to turn four?  I dont remember it from when I was four.  I do have recollections of early birthdays but not as early as four.  So, now, as a parent, I wonder what it must feel like.  Because this is the first one, where N has any sense for what the concept is all about.  I dont think he fully understands it, but he recognizes that it is a milestone, and that he is older ("bigger", in his speak) than someone who is three.

Adios Amigos

And it seems like I am done here.  For now, there's a new space out there, a fresh start.  For the sprinkling of those of you who came by this way, my many thanks.  You know where to find me - ping me for those new co-ordinates.  See you on the other side!

So much

So much has happened to write about, not even sure where to begin.  I try to think of one thing that defines me today -that really and truly defines me, and that is motherhood.  Not once, but twice.  My journey, my tribulations, my survival, and my reason for being.  My purpose in life.  My miracles.  Not one, but two.  My gifts from a higher power.  I must have done something right to deserve them.  So much has happened.  So much.  Humbles me.  Awes me.  And motivates me - to be the best that I can be - for them.

Back

Back after ages.  Had ignored this space for a long time.  Had not forgotten about it though.  Deciding today to put a stake in the proverbial ground and declare that I'm back.  For there is much to say.  There always has been.  Especially now.  Especially back then.  Well then, without further ado, here goes.  It's good to be back, and here's hoping this stint qualifies as decent.

Birthdays and blessings

Thinking of you so much today.  Time has flown, but you have brought that to my life which I think I cannot live without, ever - unconditional love.  And joy. And meaning, like never before.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.  I will stop by to hello soon.  And then, yes, we'll have some of your favourite cake to share with your friends.

Five - just so unbelievable my love.  Today, I send prayers and thoughts of gratitude for being given you.  I wish all the best blessings for you, but I cannot be thankful enough for you truly are and have been my biggest blessing.

Love always, always,
Mamma

Big day

And so, today, just like that, my little baby donned his big-boy school back-pack, walked with Dad to the bus stop and climbed the big yellow bus on his first day to Kindergarten.  Yes, to the big school.  Like a big boy.  Looking all excited.  So full of anticipation.

And me?  I woke up at 3:00 AM and couldn't sleep afterwards.  Mental check after mental check of all the things that had to be in place - forms filled, clothes picked out, items for the back-pack, lunch, snacks...

And when the time actually came, and I clicked the last picture before he headed down the street to the bus stop, I fought back sudden tears.  There was my baby, a baby no more.

Oh Child...want to hold you and hug you for just a little while longer...even though I know I better get used to this feeling now.

gratitude, more today...

time is flying. and there are so many things to be done.  its overwhelming, but they have got to be done.  and so, i pause for a teeny bit. and try to take a deep breath. and send a prayer of thanks to my support system. cannot do it without them. never could. never will.  filled with gratitude. and hope for the future. that i shall learn from all this. that i shall become a better person. more mindful. more grateful. and make that go around, where I can. and where I should.  new beginnings. new milestones. so many, many things to do. praying for strength, patience, endurance, perspective.  hope. that eternal thing that comes along every now and then, and keeps fueling the engine. for, forward we must keep moving always. for, to stop, dwell, or give up, is never, ever, an option.  i end this little piece of perspective with a deep, cleansing, calming breath, and thoughts of gratitude.

memories

Dedicated to G - my very own personal muse for over 3 decades.  Love and hugs!

these times

plans. upon plans. miracles. work.  stress. vacation. home. jet lag. family. food. mom. dad. rains. bro. sis. surprises. more miracles.  friends. perspective. love. laughter. life lessons. trips. cousins.  uncles. aunts. conversations. gratitude. letting go. dexter! trans-atlantic flights. home away from home. missing you.  strangeness. volunteering. heat wave. letting go some more. home renovations. home alone. friends. time like i've not had for ages. perspective. resolutions. missing you more than i can bear. anticipation. movement. joy.  nervousness. realization that this is what i was meant to do. meant to be. that i want nothing more. that nothing else matters.

letting go

someone asked me the other day if N was ready to start kindergarten.  Oh, yes, I said. He's ready.  I think he is, he's been geared up for it for a while.  although he doesn't really know exactly what it entails though. new school, new friends, new teachers, new routine.  I think he'll be fine though.  children are so naturally resilient and this child is especially so adaptable and goes through life in such a no-fuss manner, that I do think he'll be fine.  It's me I'm worried about.  I am not ready for the new routine.  I am not ready to accept that I'll have to let go some more.  I'm not ready for him to face this new world.  More than anything, I'm not ready for him to be growing up so quickly.  Where has the time gone?  where have the years flown?  How do I hold on to something so precious?  and how do I make sure I am making the most of these fleeting years?  they say true love knows no bounds.  they say love is learning to let go.  how to learn that lesson, when every fiber of my being yearns to hold on...

what if

what if you really and truly transformed your way of thinking.  What if you decided that today is the day is the day you will start.  What if it begins here and now.  What if you woke up and suddenly felt the possibilities are endless.  What if it all starts here and now and with you at the helm.  What if you were at the centre of the universe, at least the universe where who you are and what you are are the only things relevant.  What if you this and only this was the only thing that ever and always truly mattered.  What if.

recipes of the week

- Oven Roasted broccoli seasoned with salt and olive oil - absolutely yum
- my favourite kadhi - threw in white kidney beans for good protein measure...onions, ginger, and tomatoes also of course
- daal made with days-long sprouted moong beans.  nothing beats my good ol' Nayak's Masala.  No idea how long they've been around but they come to me specially ordered all the way from Diana's Udupi!!!!  And the day they stop manufacturing it will be a devastating one for me.
- Vermicelli uppit with lots and lots of grated coconut
- Kiwi, lime and mint juice - yep, gotta keep the fresh juicing going
- Green grape and almond gazpacho - absolutely delish
- Mango juice with vanilla essence and elaichi - so refreshing
- Good ol south indie sambhar with onions, potatoes and carrots that Im seemed to devour
- my all time fav bindi (okra) palya - nothing more than sauteed onions and okra, salt and jeera powder. So, so good
- And since dessert should never be left out - the simplest bread pudding ever - with whole grain bread, no less.  Oh, but everyone is allowed decadence, especially with home made desserts, so mine was a can of yummy condensed milk.  Raisins, milk, and almonds made up the rest of the ingredients.  Now, I'm just debating whether I should go all out and get a tub of vanilla ice cream to go with this.  Hmmmmm, maybe tomorrow.

Busy as I've been in the kitchen, cooking for one is no fun at all.  Come back sooooooon, my lovies!!!!!!

morals and life lessons

Dodda: Once upon a time, there were two cats. They saw a piece of bread at the same time and started fighting. So, to resolve the issue, they went to the Judge, Mr. Fox. Fox took a weighing scale and to balance the scale kept eating little bits of the bread until there were no more pieces left. The moral of the story is?

Mr. Nayan: Do not go to the judge.